My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

He's financially controlling you. Tell him to keep out of your finances.

Youre not being unreasonable to be private about your finances especially if you’re not married.

Youre also not being unreasonable to pay off your debts in the manner you wish to do so.

So what does he say when you challenge him on it?

Leave him.

I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago

Not the point of your post I know - But why haven’t your work paid this off if it was for a business trip?

This was my first question too.

Your feelings are quite reasonable considering you've been 'snooped' on.

You said "I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items."

So really you don't have a future with this guy, do you?

I'd start packing - this won't get any better.

Just be glad you didn't marry Mr Nosey-Parker and buy a property with him.

The way he's going about this is quite bossy - you could say controlling - but fwiw I think he's got a point. Buying things on finance is a mug's game, you pay more overall and it's (in my view) a bad habit to get into. If you have a loved one who can lend it and you can pay back (as your BF is suggesting), that's better, but best of all is not buying the thing until you can afford it.

So, it's not great he went through your things, you should talk about boundaries/privacy etc
With regards to the debt, whilst it might feel controlling, he is trying to save you money long term. Early in my relationship, I just couldn't get out of my overdraft. The bank wouldn't help and the only way to help the situation was to borrow from my partner and pay him back gradually rather than keep incurring interest and bank fees.
Over 15 years later, he still never had a credit card and will only do interest free borrowing with the exception of the mortgage and I've never been in debt to that extent again either.
You don't have to accept his offer, it it benefits you both long term.

WTF? How on earth is he financially controlling her by being financially astute and saving interest payments from the JOINT account?

Honestly, some people just are intent on seeing abuse where there is clearly none. He's financially responsible, unlike you OP, and you'd absolutely do my head in if I was married to you!

He shouldn't have gone through your things, but he does have a point. If the minimum payment is only £40/month why did you miss payments? If you were short, surely you could have asked him to help? You share a child after all.

You also seem very blasé about the impact of this on your credit rating, but even a single missed payment could make your options for credit in future much more limited. Mortgage lenders in particular really don't like them.

I'd agree with this.

I'd also look into whether you can get a card with an interest free period for balance transfers, no point in paying interest if you don't have to, and it will enable you to pay back the debt sooner.

Well you are not financially responsible are you if you are missing payments on a credit card and have a maxed out credit card that you put on there 18 months ago for a ‘business trip’

They did pay for my trip, but I also stayed longer past the time I was needed (they paid for my hotel my entire stay and my flights to/from) The money on the credit was more my own personal spending money - the aim was to have it paid off sooner but I ended up leaving the company a few weeks later. I was making good progress paying it off before mat leave and then it became a little bit of a safety blanket if I need a little bit extra while on mat leave. I was still paying 50% of my mat pay into the joint account for bills so sometimes I was shorter on months.

You say you're back from maternity leave. Is it his child? Did you take the full financial hit for maternity leave? If so I would say you need a rethink on your and his finances.

He is being financially sensible. Always pay down debt before saving. Just because monthly payments are 'affordable', if you have spare cash to clear a debt, it is far wiser to do that than keep paying interest. Look at the total cost - how much has that £1000 cost you?

Is he a partner that you share a home with (implied in joint account) and the father of the child you have just been on maternity leave with? It sounds like the pair of you need to sit down and get on the same page with how your finances operate.

Why are you not making the minimum payment?

You're a bit of a red flag as you're being incredibly irresponsible.

It’s interesting when finance threads pop up posters usually bang the one pot method drum, whats mines is yours, but in this instance it’s financial abuse? Errr, ok.

It sounds like you’re not happy with his approach and this is where the problem lies. It should be a joint decision rather than him dictating terms. But FWIW I agree with him. No matter how you package it up, you have a maxed out credit card that you’re missing payments on. He’s offering to help prevent you making a negative impact on your credit score and wasting money on interest payments. You might see it as none of his business but it will be his business a few years down the line when you’re applying for a joint mortgage and your credit score is a mess.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it

But paying off debt (and/or not using finance in the first place) is saving money. Saving on the interest payments.

Yes, the child is his. I was still contributing to bills with my maternity pay. I didn't max out the credit card 18 months ago - it maxed out at Christmas when I was using it to purchase christmas gifts, as wrongly so I did use the card for things that I didn't need to.

So you have been spending beyond your means for a long time ….

You missed payments too. He’s trying to help. Take his help and pay him back instead of paying interest.

He's snooping through her private credit card payments. He's pressuring her to owe the money to him not the credit card company. If she pays credit card on time she builds up a credit rating in her own name. It sounds like he doesn't want OP to have any financial independence. They are not married.

Your set up sounds very strange, but how much of the £40’ is going towards the load and how much is interest?

I was about to say this. Op you don't seem very financially astute, paying off the minimum of a credit card is one of the most expensive ways to borrow money.

Whether he is doing the right thing or not, he shouldn’t have gone through her papers. Perhaps the OP doesn’t want to be in debt to her partner and would prefer to be in debt to a CC company. Yes, OP needs to be paying her minimum payments.

I can understand wanting everything paid in full.

We have separate finances and always have had. We have responsibilities for separate bills. Whomever earns more, pays more.

In this circumstance, I would pay and so would he, there would not be a pay back. If I paid a £500 bonus into an account during maternity leave, it would not be transferred out to personal savings.

Equitable does not always mean exactly the same. I could not be with someone who was not a financial partner.

I took paid maternity leave. My OH would not have have seen me worse off financially than he was. Especially after growing and raising a baby.