My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

@Mumoftwo1312 how did you build up your credit rating if you never took on any debt?

My daughter won't get fucked over on her maternity leave because she's not a fucking idiot who racks up debt and hides the evidence under her bed!

Plus she's doing A level Economics so hopefully that will help her to understand why it's not a good idea to pay interest on shit you can't afford, incur late fees, defaults and trash your credit. Hopefully anyway!

He was wrong to go through your private things, but if I found out my DH had a credit card debt and had missed payments and kept it secret from me, I would seriously consider divorce.

Sounds like you have very different approaches to finances, with him being smart and you not really understanding savings and interest. I would find it impossible to be with someone who thinks like you. I don't know how important these views are to you and your partner but a good honest discussion about your feelings might make things clearer.

I have an A level in economics I got a B. It's helpful but it's not a superpower.

Are you stupid? Or just not reading any of my replies?

I am not stupid, I made a mistake and your comments are incredibly rude. Maybe you like to make arguments on the internet?

Like I have previously stated, nothing was ever 'hidden'. I have a folder where all important letters and documents are kept. This just happens to be under my bedside drawers, as this is why the folder fits and I know where it is for if/when I need to access it. I don't have the luxury of having a home office like some.

I was also making payments, but I also went on mat leave where you only get paid £692 every 4 weeks. I was still contributing to the joint household outgoings leaving me with £300 a month to pay my own bills - phone and netflix. And I could only afford minimum card payment. Combined, I am now living on £200 a month. If I needed to use my CC then unfortunately, I did - because I had no other option. I tried to use my savings where possible. Unfortunately, Christmas is where I needed to use it the most - we both come from large families so even spending £20 per person quickly adds up. Yes, I missed 3 payments - not great. But I have £1k of debt compared to my partner who has £6k car loan. He's happy to pay his off monthly instead of in full (which he can afford) but for me it's out of the question?

So maybe, start reading the comments back to you before getting rude and argumentative.

Never had to, it's a myth put about by credit card companies that you have to do that to get a mortgage. I've never had a credit card in my life. As long as you have a deposit, you can get a mortgage, you don't need to have had credit cards. And, stating the obvious, you're more likely to build a deposit if you're not wasting money on debt!

I suppose in my teens/early 20s I had mobile phone bills (where you get a phone up front but pay for it on contract) which is a type of credit. I don't do that any more because, like any pay-in-instalments plan, you end up paying more. That's the only type of finance I've ever used.

I've just gone without holidays if I can't pay for them. And I've definitely never got into debt to buy Christmas presents, that's crazy, I'd rather just buy something inexpensive or bake something as a gift than splash out on something I can't afford.

Edit - just asked my dh and he's never had a CC either.

All these perfect people on here. Are you missing the OP managed to keep paying 50% of the bills whilst on maternity when her income dropped from £2k to £700 a month?

Maybe that £40 would have been easy to pay back if her partner hadn’t left her just £300 a month to live off? He wasn’t concerned about her debt/credit score then was he?!

it makes not a lot of sense to pay back the minimum and save, when the interest fees accrued on debt are higher than what you’d get on savings. His plan sounds financially sensible.

The £300 a month to live off- what's that for? To cover your phone Netflix and what else? Is it discretionary spending? what does dp contribute. Because it's 50% of your income or 50% of the bills? I didn't think £300 a month is horrific for clothes, hair, socialising etc. obviously not great if he has £1000 a month but if he's contributing £1200 to the bills and has £400 a month for himself it's a different picture.

OP you keep mentioning savings. Why aren't you using your savings to pay off your debt?

Also why did you not pay less towards the household during maternity leave? Was that your choice? Did you have a discussion about how to make it more fair while your income was low?

with him being smart and you not really understanding savings and interest

How utterly rude!

I pay car insurance monthly so it ticks along at renewal and I’m not faced with no insurance - it’s worth the interest. They amount of people who let insurance lapse and they have accidents 🤷‍♀️ costs more than £40 interest.

Credit cards help build credit scores and increase your mortgage allowance - maybe years ago you didn’t need this, but now you do.

Things change.

I'm sorry I don't mean to upset you. I apologise.

I just find it infuriating when people end up in the financial shit when it could so easily be avoided. I'm sorry my comments weren't helpful.

I'll try to phrase my comments in a more helpful way. Your husband is not the bad guy. His advice and suggestions will save you money as a family, so maybe listen to him, rather than slag him off on the internet. That would be my advice.

Exactly when you were on mat leave he should have said only to pay £200 into the joint account and he picks up the slack.

OP couldn't afford the debt when she was on maternity leave and living off £300 a month.

She COULD afford the debt when she took it out because she was earning £2000 a month.

The debt is £1000.

The fact that she missed payments was BECAUSE SHE WAS ON MAT LEAVE. At this point, her partner should have stepped up and paid more towards the household expenses.

OP wasn't hiding statements as she has already explained.

Oh, and he is in a lot more debt than her.

@boysmama1 I hear you. You haven't done anything wrong. He is an arse and a lot of people on this thread seem to think that women shouldn't be allowed to manage their own money.

She was on maternity pay yet still paying her full share into a joint account. He should have said when on mat leave it's fair she pays less. Once she's back to work she will be earning more and pay more back. I hope he also pays half of nursery fees.

A car loan will have an interest rate of something like 6% though, a credit card will be around 30% or more.

OP you really need to get the debt paid off before you start saving. I think your partner is right here, he shouldn't have gone through your stuff for sure but the advice is right and if he has the money to pay off the debt I personally would borrow it from him and pay him back monthly instead of your credit card company. You are now a little family team and you've taken the hit on mat leave, so makes sense to work together on this.

He makes an additional £1K on me. He increased his contribution from £1K to £1,400. Any 'left over money' on the joint card was his for the taking as he was now contributing more to the household.

I never touched the finances on the joint card, it didn't make financial sense to me when we would have £200 left over monthly, which we could save or use towards unexpected bills coming up.

Even when we moved in together, I always said that we should a little bit extra onto the joint account for 'just in case of unexpected bills' and then he'd always spend it (take aways) or take it back, even when I would say that's a bad idea when we have our own disposable income that we can use for that.

We've always contributed 50% of our income to the joint account. In his mind, we should split the bills 50/50 which isn't fair when I earn way less in the first place.

How much interest are you paying on the card?

It does seem that you are overpaying for things unnecessarily.

Agree

Well no, that is definitely not fair.

It's one thing for him to minimise interest and debt for your family, but discretionary spending needs to be fairly split.

I'm sorry I pissed you off with my earlier comments.

Honestly some people on Mumsnet are crazy, it's as if they want to see abuse in every situation, so very strange. Yes, he shouldn't have went through your personal belongings but I think he's trying to help you by letting you borrow the money and pay it back to him no interest ? Not sure how anyone else can see this for anything more than what it is.

@boysmama1 PLEASE ignore the sad people who have nothing better to do than tear apart someone on a message board. This will be all they have. First of all, why do all the numptys keep referring to OP's bf as her husband? The reading ability on this website is going downhill fast.
He should not, under any circumstances, be going through your private folder. Have you asked him why he did that? Have you asked him why he was ok to take out a massive loan for a car and pay it back at his leisure but you are not allowed? Have you asked him how he thought you were meant to survive on £700 a month while you were on maternity leave?
A grand is NOTHING. Nothing at all and the amusing thing is a fair few of these posters will be in a shit ton of debt!
Tell him to mind his own and get it paid off! That folder needs to be kept somewhere safe, at your parents house or a friends if he can't be trusted not to go through it. I will repeat for the idiots at the back, he is her boyfriend not her husband. Thank God.

And your latest update has confirmed he is a garden variety nobhead. Sorry about that OP. This isn't a good man to tether yourself to.

I don’t understand how you think ‘paying in full’ is preventing you from saving.

we have separate savings accounts for different things. There is a bills account, and a holiday/fun account. Plus we have an emergency account for big unexpected bills.

we follow a guy called the barefoot investor. (I’m Australian and he’s an Aussie too). It’s a great system. Would work for anyone. You have separate accounts for bills, emergency, fun money and holidays. Number 1 thing is pay off debts first, start with smallest one.

I think credit card debt is something you should be open with, if you have a child together and share finances.

Many 'partners' have joint finances. Far from being financial abuse or controlling behaviour, I see his suggestion as totally sensible. You share your lives, so why not share your money issues too? TBH, you sound pretty hopeless with money.