My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

@LiveLaughCryalot "How sad that OP is in a relationship where it is more important to be seen as 'paying her way' wether she can afford it or not"

I agree, but OP has been dodging questions about they came to that arrangement with the bills. She previously said she wanted to "pay her way" and is refusing his help now, so we don't who actually decided that was a fair split.

@Fallenangelofthenorth
*treated

@SwordToFlamethrower so why did that great guy still let her pay 50% of the bills when her income dropped by £1.3k a month??? A great guy would have paid more of the bills seeing as the OP has time off for their child they had together, so not leaving her skint

If it was just after your maternity leave had ended and you were obviously broke could he not of said let me pay that off for you so that you don't have any debt? It seems incredibly mean that you have been on a low salary for maternity leave and now he wants you to pay him back.

Tad different when you are carrying, birthing and looking after said man's child on reduced pay dontcha think?
OP is doing better than he is despite earning less and the maternity leave. He's in more debt than she is.
Anyhoo, tired and tipsy so off to bed. You obviously just wanted to seize an opportunity to tell a woman how terribly irresponsible she is so crack on 😊

How much does the make per month?

Of course you're not married. He's probably building himself a nice pension and a savings pot, while you can't even make minimum payments on a £1k credit card. You're screwing yourself financially from every direction.

But he should be giving her the forty if he's saved her some money.

^
This. He should have been paying all the bills while you were on ML.
Again a woman disadvantaged by childbearing.
Do not give up your job.

Except OP hasnt paid the credit card in time? I don’t think it’s controlling, it just sounds like he’s trying to help.

I don't live in the UK, but what I understand of UK law is that if you're not married, you are in a very vulnerable position. If you have a child together, why do you have separate finances? If you are doing childcare FOR HIS CHILD why does he not pay for that?

I would be demanding joint finances and marriage, or a more fair arrangement where you end up equally well off, or leaving

No matter how much a partner "demanded" it, I would not join finances with someone who thought missing three months' payments on a debt was no big deal.

OP, it looks like you’re hiding your financial problems from your DP to be honest. Is that possibly why he went snooping? Did he know you’d missed 3 payments? As others have said, even if you’re not married, your financial situation can affect him and vice versa as you are living (n the same house.
You have 2 choices - tell him to never interfere again and you’ll deal with your money and debts any way you see fit, or sit down with him and work out a financial plan of action that will put you both in the best position financially moving forward.
Im afraid he seems far more financially astute than you! It’s absolutely pointless thinking about building up savings when you have credit card debt.

It would be fine if it was a shared decision to pay off the car insurance and business trip but it’s not. He’s over stepping

Yes and he should have taken the financial load while on maternity leave.

In normal circumstances op pays £1k and he pays £1k however joint outgoings are £1800 and op states he spends or reclaims the spare £200. He therefore has a disposable income of £2.2k a month and the op £1k. He's trying to get the op into debt with him. He could just pay it off but he won't. The op would be in a dangerous position to tie herself financially to this man

Sorry OP. You're wrong and he is right.

Essentially what he is saying is that you are not a credit card person. And he's correct. The fact you would rather accrue interest on a credit card than put it to your family's financial future shows that you don't really know how to use credit cards- like many, many people. Which is exactly what the lender banks on. That's how they get your money.

The money on the credit card is not your money and does not signify any sort of financial independence like you've implied. It's borrowed money too, accept this type of borrowed money charges interest and tanks your credit score. Which is why borrowing from your BF to pay it back sooner is a no-brainer.

And then rather than pay on your car insurance in one go, you'd rather have the money in savings- so you are essentially being penalised annually by £40 - how is that saving?

He clearly has a better grasp on financial literacy than you, so I think you should attempt to learn from him rather than getting upset.

Btw there's nothing wrong with not understanding finances, nobody teaches this stuff to kids at school. But your BF is trying to help you here, not control you.

it sounds like you are financially linked, so he may worry about your credit score affecting his. You may want to discuss how you will jointly manage your household income to avoid assumptions.

OP lots of hate of your OH on here and only you know his character and whether he wants to look after you or destroy you.

Presumably as you have recent made the decision to have a child together he isn't the evil man masterminding your demise thet some of the thread are projecting or you really are a fool to have had a child with him.

I'm sorry to say you aren't good with money, making a decision to stay somewhere longer when you can't afford to pay the bills is not a great idea, nor is skipping paying for credit nor paying just tbe minimum month to month.

You need a way to pay your credit card bill off quicker your oh suggestion will enable that, if you aren't paying interest you can Presumably pay more towards the debt each month and get rid of it.

If it were the other way around and ypu wanted to pay his credit card etc the same people saying he's financially controlling would witter on about how he could run off with your money blah blah.

You know your OH you will know whether he is trying to be helpful or not. If its not, well you have bigg3r issues having a child with him so let him shoukder ypyr credit card debt and work out how you will leave and support your child away from him.

Your partner is right not to want you paying interest and to save money by paying in full, I think he's just trying to get ahead the same as you.

But you both need to be on the same page regarding this and how to join or split finances now you are a family. Seems very one foot in one out at the moment.

If your finances are linked then your late payments CAN affect him getting credit. Linked finance means a joint mortgage or joint bank account for bills for example.

The credit score on those credit reference agencies are not worth the paper they are written on.

Three status ones recently will stop some banks lending to you. If this is a status 2 or 3. Ie you missed 2 or 3 payments in a row and then paid it off, then some sub prime lenders won’t give you a mortgage as they don’t allow status threes in the past 12 months.

Yes he shouldn’t have snooped. But secrecy and not paying debt on time would be a deal breaker for others.

You need to sit down and discuss finances or that could be a major issue in your relationship. Why couldn’t you say ‘John I am skint and can’t afford Xmas this year. Can we not buy gifts for each other? The baby wouldnt care anyway. Then tell friends and family the same? It’s one Christmas. I would hate my family member to get into debt to buy me a gift.

Only making minimum payments on a credit card debt is financial lunacy.

It WILL cost you hundreds of pounds in interest alone if you're not paying much of the capital down. This is common knowledge. Assuming also that you have a hefty interest rate, it makes complete sense for him to pay it off and you to repay him and not pay the interest.

There's literally zero point in trying to save money in a piddly interest rate savings account when you have debt incurring interest at 20%.

I'm a saver, no cc and I would be furious if dh had hidden debt like yours op. Not good that he's been rummaging through your stuff (though did he find the payment letter lying around or was it hidden away?) but really not good that you've hidden it and incurred hundreds of pounds in interest over 18 months.

I don't think there's financial abuse here - op's dh has discovered her debt and has offered to pay in a way that will cost less. Both of you need a good honest chat about your attitudes to money, borrowing and saving. He's not controlling her but offering to help.

He shouldn't have gone through your stuff. But you don't sound very financially literate. If you're only making the minimum payment each month it means you're actually spending lots of money on interest payments that don't bring down your debt at all.

OP, i was in a similar situation with my ex husband - I’m telling you now that none of this is healthy. It ended up in divorce for me. If you love him and want this relationship to work you need to both sit down and come to an agreement on how you manage your finances together. There needs to be a mutual agreement and complete transparency. Also decisions on cars and other items such as phones needs to be mutually agreed. I felt the same anger as you over joint finances and how we spent our money. Your debt is minimal and I do not think you are immature in the slightest. He is being sensible wanting debt paid off but also being irresponsible with the car and unreasonable making you pay 50% of outgoings. Honestly it’s the road to ruin being at loggerheads over finances - if you are living together and intend to stay together you must both be transparent and agree together about how money is managed and spent. Perhaps both go to see a financial advisor or a mediator or the resentment on both sides will end up completely corroding your relationship.

As an aside, some of the posters on this thread are horribly rude and unhelpful!!

Perhaps he's thinking of getting arrived but wants to understand how that would effect him financially, you don't sound wlgreat with money.
As women on here we're always being advised to do some snooping, check someone is solvent before marrying them etc, that works both ways.
If a wife says she's found an undisclosed credit card debt everyone starts shouting and waving their arms about gambling, drugs and prostitutes. The double standards are 🤯