My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

She’s not paying it on time though, is she. She’s spent 1k on a work jolly and 18 months later still hasn’t paid it off and is missing payments,

I have a couple months of missed payments

If they try to buy a house together in future this will affect him.

The card was maxed out on a business 18 months ago. The card was maxed out at christmas. Which is it?

You don't seem to have a good understanding of your finances. I would be trying to do something similar if I was your partner.

It is his business as you share a child together and this will impact your chances of getting a mortgage etc.

Also paying back 40 pounds on 1000 debt is crazy low. You'll be paying that off for ages! If you want to show that your financially responsible you should try to move your debt to an interest free card and up your minimum payment.

Your boyfriend is being a bit heavy handed but his intention os is clearly to give you help that you need.

Do you and your partner maybe need to have a more open conversation about money? It seems, to me anyway, that he is happy to be open about money but you see it as being a more personal thing which is causing a disconnect.

When my partner and I got together I was in a fair amount of debt (much more than yours) we didn’t talk about it until he read a Reddit article and I sort of broke down because I was so stressed about it all. He paid it all off and I got a bit defensive as I felt like I then ‘owed’ him. Through time we started having more conversations about money and budgeting together so it felt less like he helped me if that and more like we were both making better financial decision if that makes sense?

is there a middle ground here where you can have some more conversations about finances? Maybe with someone you both trust? Now you’ve got a little one and you are trying to save together, an open conversation could help you align as you are both working towards a future for your family. I don’t think his behaviour is controlling based on what you’ve said but money is a touchy subject so I can see how it can feel pretty crap when you can help yourself.

If you have debt and savings, you don’t have savings.

He is far more financially astute and responsible than you.

You should discuss finance and agree a plan. He shouldn’t tell you what to do or snoop. You should listen to things he knows more about.

I think that he sounds totally sensible.

Any reason why you haven't combined finances?

Thank you - I know I missed payments, and that is my fault. I hold my hands up to that. I would like to say I have missed maybe 3 payments - these missed payments have also been cleared. I would like to also add, that when I have the money I do then pay them all off. I know missed payments look back. I am currently on track in paying off the full amount and even making over payments.

The issue, like you have also said, is that 1. he went through my private things and 2. wanting me to pay him back instead of having my own financial standing.
Another point to make, is that I want/need a new phone, and have been saying that for about a year but also say when I can afford to do that, then I will get a new phone. His response is always 'I can get you the phone and pay the contract for you'. I don't want his money, I don't want to owe him, I don't need him to being buying things for me that I can get myself.

I am working on building my savings back up, and the £1k credit card is my only debt. I own my own phone and have a sim only contract, and only pay for Netflix. I have minimal outgoings and I do watch want I spend. Maternity pay is only shy of £700, where before I was earning nearly £2K (now back to this) ... I was still contributing £400 to the joint account for our shared household bills. So when birthdays and christmas came around, I was a little tight on money so I used the CC to make some additional purchases - which in hindsight might not have been the right financial move to make. Unfortunately, we both come from large families so even spending £20/30 per person very quickly adds up - and we try to be savvy as much as we can!

I'm sorry but missing payments and not discussing it will affect him in the future if for example you wanted a mortgage.
Saving paying interest on debt is more financially astute than accumulating savings.
If you have a joint account then you are pooling money and should be sharing these things.

3 missed payments is an awful lot.

You have a child with this man, you both really need to be more joined up with your finances. You are a team. You are a parenting team who are raising your child together. You need to be prepared to share details of your finances with each other and work together for the best outcome for your family of 3. It sees very strange to me that the finances are so separated at the moment. You need to become a team!

If I was married to you I'd be fucking furious to be honest. You're now financially linked to your husband but hiding overdue letters under the bed. Awesome!

Yet according to some YOUR being financially abused. Ok then.

I think you sound a bit financially immature (I was and still would be without a shift in attitude). As you share some finances and a child your approach to expensive loans and finance may be causing some partner some stress or anxiety. Which is a reason, but not an excuse, for him looking through your personal information.

Agree with those saying sit down and have a warts and all talk. If you see a long term future together this is pretty vital. Try not to get defensive…. (Again, I would have)… but listen and try to find a setup that works to both your benefit.

Which, imo, is his suggestion re credit card repayment!

Why the hell wasn't he contributing more during your mat leave?

If he was really that bothered, he wouldn't have left you short when you were caring for his child.

You have a child together and live together. So you should both know details
of each others finances. He didn’t ’violate Your privacy’ he quite rightly saw that you were hiding debt from him and has been offering a sensible way to pay it off and save money.

She is hiding debt, and using family income to service that hidden debt. She is indirectly making their life less affordable by wasting money on interest payments and missing payments (which will have attracted additional charges).

If he is financially astute, he has probably been struggling to understand why the finances don't match up.

She sounds intransigent and secretive. Not characteristics I would want to share a home with.

He DID violate her privacy FFS.

You’re not unreasonable about him going through your letters and, as you’re not married, your financial affairs are mostly your business (where they don’t impact on your shared finances and your shared child).

You’re unreasonable for this part though (which makes me wonder if this is how he justifies to himself his looking through your financial papers):

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

It makes no sense trying to save money by paying more. In order to put £500 in the savings account (where it might earn a max of 4% interest and more likely 2%) you’re spending an extra £40 on the £500 car insurance … which is 8% more. If it isn’t about earning interest but about having some money for emergencies, then that’s perhaps easier to understand but still not very cost effective. Better for him to pay off the car insurance and then you put the amount the monthly payments would have been into the savings account instead. He can even take out the £500 and you’ve at least added £40 to the savings.

Scenario 1:

Savings +£500 +£20 interest (total +£520)
Insurance -£45 pm (total -£540)
Overall finances -£20

Scenario 2:

Savings +£45 pm +£10 interest (total +£550)
Insurance -£500 (paid by boyfriend up front and then repaid after savings have built up through the year)
Overall finances +£50

Scenario 2 leaves you £70 better off overall than Scenario 1. I don’t think he’s going about it very well and it’s obviously your choice to draw a red line around your finances without wanting his interference, but he’s right about it being better financially.

Edited to add: Even better would be to use the money to pay of the credit card quicker to avoid the interest on that, which would wipe out the gain anyway, rather than building up ‘savings’.

I would be very worried if my partner was as financially irresponsible as you. Your partner, on the other hand, has got it right. You should be grateful for his help.

A debt of £1000 is hardly financially irresponsible. She is paying it back and some of the money was spent making ends meet when she was living on £300 a month whilst giving birth to and caring for his child.

The point that really stands out here for me is that you were paying your contribution when you were on mat leave and took such a massive hit because you had the baby.
Why did neither of you consider this unfair? I do.
You two are not financially compatible and you aren't married. There is a lot going on here op. I think you should be very wary. I'm glad you are in full time work on a decent salary. Do not under and circumstances give up work.

He made you pay the same when on maternity leave looking after his baby? He should have taken some financial hit for that not just you. Making you pay the same when having his baby meant you learnt less, then complaining you have less money. Well no shit! You had less coming in and he still expected you to pay the same. Not a financial genius just a controlling arsehole.

In the city it's called a hedge fund.
Fuck him right off.

Well if you’ve missed payments it’s going to affect your financial record for 6 years at a guess.
If you marry or share a mortgage then it will affect your partner too. i assume you share a child?
You could do with agreeing a way forward - I can understand you want privacy but you’re not savvy at all and that would worry me. This is an exhausting way to live - sharing income and having some personal spending money is easier.
Considering you’ve been on maternity leave he could just pay off your debt as your earning a have been affected as you had to grow and feed his baby!

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you found out your husband was maxing out credit cards, not paying them back and hiding the bills, you would no doubt be stressed and feel he was deceitful. You may even wonder if he is deceitful about other things.

You need to be sensible about your finances, and have a good sit down with him. Get debt paid, pay your car insurance in one go rather than monthly, which is more expensive. Sit down with finances every week.