This is what I posted earlier. I completely disagree with you. And she’s confirmed she had £500 on her credit card initially. I really don’t know how you can think she’s more frivolous.
In addition, like I said, we don’t know what the bills are to work out what’s fair. As for the car finance. No one needs a £16,000 car but even if they have one, it’s not more acceptable than having £1,000 on a credit card.
The way I read the story and the timeline is (correct me if I’m wrong OP):
OP took a credit card out for her post business trip holiday. She had £1000 spent on it, that she could comfortably afford to pay back on her normal salary. Not a massive issue in the grand scheme of things, especially when you consider her boyfriend had a loan of £16,000 at this point. She is entitled to get a credit card just as much as he was entitled to get a loan. She felt uncomfortable telling him because he would judge her, go on at her etc. Hardly surprising she didn’t want to tell him. Red flag here! This was pre child.
Also, before he knew about the credit card, he used £500 of OP’s money to pay for her car insurance without consulting her or allowing her to have any input in this. (From her OP - Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working. ).This is not good at all and IS controlling. And probably another indicator of why OP didn’t feel she could tell him. Another red flag.
Baby came along and OP’s income was reduced considerably and unfairly in comparison with the boyfriend’s. People have said she should have told him then he could have paid more but he should have been paying more regardless of the £1000 credit card debt. It was only during this time that she missed the payments, not before or after. Again, from her posts -I was making good progress paying it off before mat leave and then it became a little bit of a safety blanket if I need a little bit extra while on mat leave. I was still paying 50% of my mat pay into the joint account for bills so sometimes I was shorter on months. This wouldn’t have happened if their contributions had been split more fairly.
OP maxed out the credit card again at Christmas while on maternity leave..of course it’s not ideal and probably something OP should discuss for future years with the people she buys for but knowing she was going to be back to her job and normal pay means it’s not out of the ordinary and again something a lot of people have done. Also, it’s probably something else that wouldn’t have happened or would have been much reduced if their money had been split more fairly during her mat leave.
He snooped on her.
And yes, it makes financial sense to pay outright for insurance or pay the CC off etc but at the same time, I don’t think I’d want to be beholden to a man who has behaved as he has. It just gives him more control.
This is another comment from one of OP’s posts: Thank you - I know I missed payments, and that is my fault. I hold my hands up to that. I would like to say I have missed maybe 3 payments - these missed payments have also been cleared. I would like to also add, that when I have the money I do then pay them all off. I know missed payments look back. I am currently on track in paying off the full amount and even making over payments. She has held her hands up. But she also make her payments now AND makes overpayments. Hardly the behaviour of someone financially irresponsible.
Then we get to the bit about the phone. She wants to save up for one. He wants to loan her the money and have her pay him back? Why? Unless he wants her to be owe him even more. She doesn’t want to owe him. I’d argue that she’s the one being more responsible here by waiting until she has the money to buy her new phone.
Then there’s this:
Even when we moved in together, I always said that we should a little bit extra onto the joint account for 'just in case of unexpected bills' and then he'd always spend it (take aways) or take it back, even when I would say that's a bad idea when we have our own disposable income that we can use for that.
We've always contributed 50% of our income to the joint account. In his mind, we should split the bills 50/50 which isn't fair when I earn way less in the first place. Again, another example of OP being financially responsible and her boyfriend doing what he feels like.
OP, you made an understandable mistake with your late payments. Don’t beat yourself up (there’s plenty of people on here who have done that for you). To me it seems at best you’re financially incompatible and you should really have a proper discussion of how you feel and what you both expect going forward. If you can come to a mutual agreement that you’re both happy with and is fair then carry on. Otherwise, I’d consider going it alone because it will only get worse in future.