My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

No she wasn't paying it back, she missed 3 payments.

When she was living on £300 a month because she still had to contribute 50% whilst on maternity leave.

Thank you. And I have no intentions of giving up my job. I didn't want to be in this mess but CoL is crazy at the moment and I just wanted to make ends meet, and I knew I could pay off my debt quicker once back at work full time.

What he is suggesting is the financially responsible option.

Say the interest is 29% (used to be a very common interest rate for credit cards, yours might be different).

At £40 per month it will take over three years to pay off £1000, and it will cost you an additional £448.

If he paid it off, and you paid him the same £40 per month, you would pay it off a year earlier, and save that £448.

It's not a good reason for snooping, but if you are so bad with money, I can understand why he's concerned.

She is not bad with money - he could have supported her through her maternity leave. He wants to behave like her father and dish out the cash when it suits him.

The money could be paid off in a couple of months now she is back at work. But then, he would have to contribute more to the family pot..... Y'know, considering that she has just given birth to his child.

It is when you keep missing payments.

Given that the OP is insisting on her financial privacy, what makes anyone think this man forced her to pay the same while on maternity leave? If she won't tell him about debts, maybe she didn't openly communicate her reduced cash flow?

OP states

"Another point to make, is that I want/need a new phone, and have been saying that for about a year but also say when I can afford to do that, then I will get a new phone. His response is always 'I can get you the phone and pay the contract for you'. I don't want his money, I don't want to owe him, I don't need him to being buying things for me that I can get myself."

So to all the people saying she HAD to contribute 50%, it sounds more like she wanted to contribute half on mat leave.

Is it his child? If so I think that changes things somewhat because you’re a family.

And paying a bit more than the minimum payment is madness when you can pay it all off. I totally agree with his reasoning. But disagree with looking through your paperwork.

I

Yes, he could and should have supported her through maternity 100%

However, extending a work trip you can't afford to fund, sticking it all on a credit card, and then hiding the statements under the bed IS financially immature and can't really be blamed on the husband.

The way the OP was worded I imagined a new-ish boyfriend who went on the snoop one evening/morning while he was staying over. You have a baby together and live together, think what you both need to do is sit down and have a long talk about finances and moving forwards.

I can understand why you might be pissed he looked through your paper work BUT I can also understand why he might be pissed you have been missing payments and not telling him - IF you're both on the same path and want a future together (marriage? mortgage?)

Yeah, you both need to talk about finances and futures ASAP, listen to each other, work with each other and not against each other.

Unless the credit card rate is 0%, it would make sense to me to pay off the credit card asap rather than just paying the minimum.

Op would rather pay things off month by month and pay a premium, than pay in full and save money - even when the money is available.

She is also trying to build up savings while paying, probably, a much higher percentage in interest than she will receive on any savings.

I wasn't referring to the missed payments.

Sorry, I seem to have quoted the wrong post.

OP could afford to fund the trip because she was working at that point and wasn't pregnant. The fact the card was not paid off is because she she was no longer on her full salary. A portion of it was paid, but was then reused to meet living expenses while on Mat leave.

Just before now DH and I moved in together he told me he had defaulted on a £1000 Credit card, he was self employed his laptop was stolen and he had to replace it, he was subbing for a large multinational who owed him a lot of money and we're really dragging their feet with paying invoices. He'd been privately renting, I had bought a little flat which cost less for me to run than his rent.

I called the company and as it had been less than 7 days they agreed if I paid it in full the way they recorded it it showed as missed cc payments but not a default. He paid me back every penny over a year. We were not married and had no DC, I didn't do it to control him I did it to protect our financial future in terms of credit score etc for mortgages and over the years he's become a lot more open about finances. I am good at saving and very debt averse, interestingly I grew up much poorer than he did and maybe I am that way because I understand the fear of not enough money for the essentials.

He now saves, never pays interest, uses a credit card to maintain credit profile but it is never more than he has in the bank and always 0%. He is still a bit spendier than I am but always within reason.
His mum and dad comment on how he is so good with money now (mil in particular still isn't...).

You feel defensive but it's time for a proper discussion about money. You chipped in half of your mat b pay leaving you with £350 disposable income a month, he will have had to increase his own contribution, how much disposable income did he have? More than you, maybe it's fair that he chucks some of that excess at your debt. The same or less than you, take up his offer to pay it and you pay him back, you'll save yourself hundreds in interest.

He knew what money I had coming in from my maternity leave. I have a whole document that I share with him that we include our own personal incomes and outgoings. This also includes what outgoings is on the joint account (household bills & nursery fees)

I have my written out in full detail - he 'groups' his i.e bills = £65. But I have no idea what his bills are (for example only)

Huh. This whole debt it a big red herring op you wouldn't have any debt it he had paid the same as you proportionately when you were on mat leave.

I am very financially open with him, but I also knew his stance on CC which is the main reason why I didn't tell him. I was only paying minimum payments while on mat leave as that was what I could afford. I knew once I had returned to work, I could overpay on the CC and have it paid off in a few months instead of years.

I would like to state that I have a £1K debt on a credit card. This is a man who took out a £16K loan to buy a car that he couldn't afford instead of using the £4K from his previous car sale to use to buy a car he could afford. I do not complain to him about wasting his £250/300 a month on a loan that wasn't required. He has since sold this £16K car but wants to use that money to save half and now buy a cheaper car while still having 2 years left to pay on his own loan/debt - as he would rather £6K in savings.

So for me, it's double standards in that I have a minimal debt (in comparison) that I am happy to financially clear myself in a way that works for me. But he has a (now) £6K loan that instead of paying that in full still wants to pay that back monthly, as that financially works for him.

Unless there are other issues I don't think he's trying to financially control you. Just trying to get you to sense!! It makes absolutely no sense to pay things off monthly and pay interest on it (and it sounds like you do that with a lot purchases and the interest on all of that will add up!) when you have money in the bank to pay it. You are also missing payments which will incur additional fees and charges and affect your credit rating. I would be pulling my hair out if you were my partner. What a crazy and unnecessary waste of money.

I think you are thinking about your savings wrong. Unless those savings are earning less in interest than your debt will cost you (and you ensure you never miss a payment!), you should use your savings before taking on debt. If you run out of savings and you have an essential expense come up, that's when you take on debt.

How much you have is savings minus debt, so you having this pot while running up debt is poor money management and giving you a false sense of security.

The only other valid use of a credit card is if you use it for cash back etc but pay it off in full and on time every money without fail. Then you don't pay any interest and you actually make money on your spending. But you should ONLY do this if you can religiously pay it off in full and in time every month. If not then this is not for you.

I would recommend two things:

1. Get yourself over to Marin Lewis's Money Saving Expert site. I'd start here:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/savings/pay-off-debts/#:~:text=guide.-,Pay%20off%20the%20most%20expensive%20debts%20first,of%20the%20most%20expensive%20debts.

1. Start budgeting. Get on top of those repayments. And consider any debt as coming off those savings. You don't have anything if you've £2000 in savings but also have £2000 in debt. And that debt will likely be costing you money. Money you could be saving or using to buy other things.

Statements aren't 'hiding' under my bed. I have a folder where I keep all my important letters and work documents. This location just happens to be under my bedside drawers. This folder includes everything about my life.

Personally I also don't buy things unless I am capable of paying off in full. What I do do however is put on 0% credit card, and put the money to pay it off in high interest account, pay the monthly min and then pay all off from the high interest account at the end of the 0% deal. I can see from both sides - he's tied to you. I don't know if marriage is on the cards but I wouldn't be tying myself (marriage, mortgage etc) to someone financially irresponsible. Which to him you are when he's finding these missed payment letters. If a woman was on here finding out her DH had thousands of debt on credit cards and was missing payments she'd be told he's irresponsible and not to tie herself to him etc. I'd be so so furious with you if I was him. You shouldn't have gotten into this as he should have contributed more in maternity leave. Pay proportionally to whats earned, and in mat leave yours went down. He's an ass if he expects you to have contributed equally in that time.

Savings aren't savings if you have equal debt. Its net zero. Not paying off in full just passes the coin to later and you're constantly chasing paying things off for more than you would have paid otherwise and never get a break because by the time you catch up there is something new. Take a good hard look at your finances and see where you can cut back to clear debt and actually start saving.

@Fallenangelofthenorth I hope that when the time comes your DD doesn't get fucked over during her maternity leave the way the OP was. The OP has been skint, not silly.

Sorry, but exactly HOW, whichever way you look at it could OP afford the trip?

1. She had no savings to use so resorted to credit
2. She couldn't afford the credit card bill when it came so had to pay off the minimum payment of 40 quid a month
3. She then missed 3 payments

Which school of Economics did you go to think that makes any sense whatsoever? Of course she couldn't afford it. If she could afford it she wouldn't have had to hide the unpaid bills under her bed MONTHS later, because she'd have paid it off "because she could afford it"

If you live together and have a child together you need to be on the same page with finances, ideally sharing them. He is right that it doesn't make sense to pay interest if you can afford not to.