My partner keeps trying to pay for things for me and having me pay him back to 'save on interest'

[boysmama1]

Bit of a long one ... but this is the back story.

1. I have a credit card (£1K limit) that is currently maxed out. This is from a business trip to the US 18 months ago, I have been paying it back but I have also recently come back from mat leave so I have a couple months of missed payments (I know now great for the credit score, but I am still in the good section)
2. My boyfriend while 'tidying' found a missing payment letter - the only way he would have found this would have been by going through my things (I keep a folder under my bedside drawers with any important documents/letters). He must have looked here to have found the letter and even open it to read it.

By doing point A - I feel violated and I don't even want to see/speak to him because he's gone through my personal items. To me, this doesn't impact him in the slightest. I am paying it off - I can afford pay more off now that I am back to work full time after maternity leave (my minimum payments were only £40/month) and my credit score is still 'good'.

Financials are a really personal thing to me and I feel super judged for having one. He made the comment of 'do you know how many credit cards I have?... None'

He now wants to give me the money to pay the card off in full to 'save on interest' and then I pay him back. I can afford the £40/month payment - and like I said, now I am back full time I can even afford to pay off more than that.
But this isn't the first time an instance like the above has happened ... Last year I had an extra £500 that I wasn't expecting from my last paycheck before maternity leave, so I put it into out joint account to contribite towards our bills while I was on mat leave. Instead of leaving it, he took that money to 'pay himself back' because he decided that to save £40, he would pay my car insurance in full. It came to like £500 - and something I could have afforded to pay monthly while I wasn't working.

I just feel like he wants everything paid in full all the time - when financially we are trying to save money instead of spending it and sometimes paying monthly is easier instead of depleating our saving accounts and then trying to get that back again - it turns it into a vicious circle of never having any savings because he's constantly using it to pay things off in full.

Am I being unreasonable in my feelings? Or should I have told him about the credit card / continue to let him pay everything in full? I just hate the idea of owing him money all the time because he's rather make the payment NOW instead of letting me have a payment plan and pay it off myself. I feel like I am being treated like a child who isn't allowed a financial responsibility.

TBH, you sound pretty hopeless with money.

Why does she?

You sound really bad with money. Really really bad. If you weren’t in so deep together I’d probably dump you for this habit. (Imagine a male posting on MN about having hidden credit card debt!?)

You are spending money on unnecessary purchases that you can’t afford.

Your credit score and financial situation is the business of your partner (and your baby’s father).

He shouldn’t snoop.

He should be paying more when you are on maternity leave.

We've always contributed 50% of our income to the joint account. In his mind, we should split the bills 50/50

Now hang on, contributing 50% of your income each, is not splitting things 50-50 (as you've implied you do upthread). I don't think you're being intentionally misleading to make your bf look bad, I think you're just woolly with numbers. I can see why your bf is trying to help you and can understand how he's coming across as bossy/patronising because I'm tempted too.

Contributing 50% of your income each is more fair than contributing 50-50 when incomes are unbalanced.

Eg he earns 2k and contributes 1k.
You earn 1k and contribute 500.

That's not "50-50".

I would dump him. Why was he going through your things?

I think it's financial abuse to expect a woman on mat leave to still pay 50% of bills - your joint baby is a joint expense and you shouldn't be left short of money because you need time off from work due to this!

He doesn't sound great tbh - unilaterally making decisions for your money, snooping through your private paperwork.

Because anyone with any financial sense whatsoever would bite his hand off to save on interest.

In the OP, it was debt from a business trip - which morphed into personal spending money on non-business elements of the trip. Few posts later, oh, it's actually arisen from overspending on Christmas gifts.
Oh, and you think it's more beneficial to maintain savings rather than pay down expensive credit card (or even making the minimum payments, which would probably only just about cover the interest charges)
FFS🙄
Of course you should be treated as a financially responsible adult.

For all those suggesting LTB - it should be the partner taking note of the red flags before saddling himself with someone so financially dim.

I... don't think someone expecting a partner on mat leave to still contribute to bills, in the same way as they did on full salary, is in any position to financially lecture. Nor should he snoop.

However if you need a mortgage in the near future, lenders don't care about a meaningless credit score as dreamt up by Experian or ClearScore. They scour your credit report for defaults, missed payments, IVAs, and the type of debts, and jack up rates accordingly. Not being honest with him about these is unfair.

I think shes showing remarkable sense not been in debt to her boyfriend. Did you miss the bit where she was on £700 a month while on maternity? Do you have any idea how hard that is for women when they are with financially controlling men? Those women end up in debt.
Did you miss the bit about him snooping through her personal folder? Does that make a trustworthy partner to you?
Or are you choosing to ignore all of that to try and make a woman feel like shit?
I wouldn't want to be in debt to him either.

And it's a significant detail that he's not her dh, he's her dp. He's not liable for her debts and they don't yet have any shared financial asset/liability.
Given that he's let her absorb the whole cost of parenthood, he has no right to criticise anything she does with her money!
He sounds tight as fuck!

Am I right in thinking?
Usual take home pay- You £2k, Him £3k
Usual household contribution - You £1k, Him £1k
Mat leave take home pay- You £700, Him 3k
Mat leave household contribution- You £400, Him £1400

If those figures are right then he has far more disposable income than you do! I think that would be fair enough in a ‘boyfriend/ girlfriend trying out living together’ situation but not for a ‘committed couple with a joint child’ setup. Given he’s brought up the credit card debt I think it’s time for a wider discussion about finances (and privacy).

He sounds fiscally astute. Thank god one of you is.

@LiveLaughCryalot if you see my post at 21.58 today, I've quoted OP where it seems like she wanted to be "paying her way". She's not responded to my post refuting it.

Let me tell you...I would 100%, without a doubt, snoop through my DHs personal stuff if I thought for ONE second he was getting in debt. And I'd expect him to do the same to me.

I don't understand.

Why when your were on maternity leave (looking after your joint child) did you need to get into debt because you were earning less? Surely, you'd talk together and have joint money once you were on maternity leave????

Spending twenty to thirty quid per person in a large family for Christmas isn't making ends meet, though - it's unnecessary expenditure putting her further into debt.

He rummaged through your personal belongings and private letters and is now trying to make you beholden to him under the guise of him helping you.

It is if she's not managing to pay even the minimum payments, never mind pay it off.

That's a bit dramatic! We're in a cost of living crisis, lots of people are struggling to make payments here and there. It's hardly crime of the century and, crucially, it's OP's perogative.

Fair enough @Dacadactyl but OP's BOYFRIEND is in more debt than she is.
Also, if you get to the point in a relationship where you have to root around in other people's personal belongings then you could argue its not much of a relationship to start with.
How sad that OP is in a relationship where it is more important to be seen as 'paying her way' wether she can afford it or nor. I wonder if her boyfriend offered any support for her carrying, birthing then looking after his child.
For the idiots at the back again, the OP's boyfriend is in more debt than she is. He just seems more eager to control hers.

He is trying to help you bu paying off your debt and yes, savibg on interest by paying back!

I can't see any downsides! Seems like a great guy!

This.

There's a lot to unpack here. Why didn't you go down the registry office and open a joint account? It's not hard or expensive. You don't have individual budgets any more, you live together and have a child. Pool the money and pool the expenses. Or else you'll end up like all the women who post moaning they can't afford shoes for their kids while their "DP" is merrily building up a massive personal savings account.

You think snooping through OPs private documents is being sensible?

I've seen plenty of women on here who say they want to pay their way, be independent and not rely on a man.

That's all well and good if they can afford to do it, but it doesn't look like OP can tbh.

They're not married

I really don't understand how this is financial abuse.
My family members found out about my debt, and didn't want me paying stupid interest for years. So paid it in full, so I can pay them back, with no interest added.
Quicker and more efficient.
I'd be grateful for this offer (and was, very) if I was in your position.
I do understand the point about feeling snooped on though. That's not on. IF it's the case. Did you ask him directly how he found out ?