To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Yes I agree and this is how systemic institutional abuse is allowed to flourish and continue. Everyone involved has a part to play, and in this case the school had enrolled the parents to continue the abuse outside of the school building and hours. It's incredibly sad that parents have bought into this mentality.

I would be removing from the school. This is completely ridiculous, she's 9!!

My year 6 forgot his maths homework this week - I know he did it, just forgot to take it, and I forgot to remind him. Nothing happened - and I wouldn't expect it to! Kids forget stuff all the time. And not being able to drink water?? Insane! I thought you were going to say bullying/fighting/rudeness!! I wouldn't have followed through on any punishments at home for this ☹️

Ah but that’s when these schools and their rules were meant for OTHER people’s children, you see. For inner city kids, or working class kids, for those whose families didn’t know better, who needed sorting out. NOT for delicate middle-class Emily’s 🙄

This thread has made me feel really sad. Sad that there are still schools that focus on punishing children (for nothing!) and ruining their self confidence rather than building them up and helping them to build their physical and mental well being. It's 2024 FFS. Tell the school to get stuffed and find a new one.

I’ll never forget a day in primary school when they implemented a rule that if you were late, even by 1 minute, you had to go and explain yourself to the headteacher. I was 7 and we were a bit late as my mum was pregnant and we were a bit slower walking.

Kids were still hanging up their coats so I wasn’t late by any real measure.

My classroom teacher came and told me (not my mum who was with me) I’d have to go to Mrs Norris to explain myself and I started crying.

My mum took me up and I stood in awe of her as she told the head exactly why what she was doing was unacceptable, that she had no right and that she was taking me home as I was too upset to stay. She was calm, articulate, didn’t raise her voice but was very firm and clearly meant business.

The whole nonsense was stopped the next day but that one incident is seared on my mind nearly 40 years later and she showed me that you don’t let these people scare and intimidate you and you can stand your ground firmly and effectively without shouting or getting irate.

She is undoubtedly why I have been able to advocate for myself from young and Christ what a gift that has been.

Christ - I’ve just remembered the child ahead of me was explaining her mum was sick and it was hard to get in that morning.

I feel really sad thinking about it now.

My mum died when I was 19, did lots wrong and our relationship was complex but by god did she show me how to stand up for myself.

Wow, no, tell school to piss off. They want to dictate her out of school life, but you bet if something happens, bullying etc, to her out of school involving other pupil/s, they’ll wash their hands of it because it’s out of their jurisdiction.

I don’t like the sound of this school. The consequences of playing up in school is detention, and probably a bollocking at home as well, not the removal of unrelated activities. Kids need things that make them feel good about themselves, and removing them as punishment for unrelated stuff creates resentment, and does harm, not good.

I am no fan of Ms Birbalsingh. However, her argument to justify the rules at her prison camp school were originally that the children were in fear of their lives and were unable to function due to the threat of being stabbed or attacked in the corridor and teenagers running amok in lessons. I have no idea if that is that case but if it was then I can (sort of) understand how an extremely strict regime has benefitted the children who want to learn. A better system would be tackling the root causes of why such a large proportion of children are so angry and disengaged, but that takes time and more emotional intelligence than I credit that woman with.

However, applying it to a school where discipline is already good enough to stop major behaviour issues, or where the population does consist of, as you put it "Emilys" is completely unjustifiable- it's just straight up bullying. I have an Emily (not her name but close enough) myself, and if she forgot her locker key she'd already be extremely upset and blame herself, and external punishment would not only be completely unnecessary but also crush her emotionally.

"1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lapel)"

Fuck that. What ridiculous petty reasons for detention. The water thing in particular is not ok, access to water is important. I'd be having a serious conversation about unnecessary dictatorial bullshit in the school rules, I'd definitely not be disciplining my child for any of this, and I'd be considering changing schools.

A child commits a misdemeanour of some sort at school, and the school, in turn, issue a punishment. This punishment is detention. Why then, would you punish your child a second time, or even a third and fourth time, for the same misdemeanour? Your child has already been punished for whatever they did, they do not need to be continually punished for the next week for it! If it were my child, I'd be telling the teacher where they could put their request!

FUCKING HELL.

Just came across this thread.

Poor DD, going to an actual prison every day.

Op you should be ashamed of yourself for complying with this and agreeing to any kind of punishment for forgetting things. Do I get punished when I occasionally forget to bring my work pass or my laptop charger to the office? No I don’t.

Awful school and awful parenting here.

Jesus Christ.

I agree it’s over strict, however parents expect schools to mediate is rows on social media that occur on the weekends and this is the corollary of that.

Not only would I not punish my child further for these so called ‘infractions’, but I’d be ripping the school a new one, for administering these detentions for such ridiculous things in the first place!

"1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lapel)"

Detention on its on for these "infringements" is way too harsh imo. And I am a strict parent. I would definitely not be curtailing activities outside of school in addition or applying any additional punishment outside of school for such minor rule breaking. Detention is more than enough.

And whatever she had done I would not be stopping an activity the purpose of which was to manage a health condition and might result in my child being in pain. Under any circumstances.

I think the teacher needs to be on report, perhaps detention. What in the world does the teacher think she is doing, child has a medical condition as well. need to come up with a sensible action/s

Yeah, I probably wasn’t clear enough in my sarcastic post - I don’t support schools with rules like this either. I think they are awful and unjustifiable for all children. However, there do seem to be people who support these methods and this support seems to drop suddenly when these methods are no longer aimed at ‘other’ children but at their own.

With falling school rolls, people really need to vote with their feet and take their children out of ridiculous schools like this. Hitting them in the pocket is the only way they are going to change.

The phrase a sledgehammer to crack a walnut springs to mind. I don't see how disproportionate punishment can achieve anything other than resentment.

These are pathetic, petty reasons for a detention. What do they do for something serious, like saying "bloody" or sticking a tongue out? Burning at the stake perhaps, public flogging? Sorry for the flippancy but that's ridiculous. I'd be arranging a meeting with the head teacher, mentioning that teachers do not get to tell me how to discipline MY child out of school, and they need to concentrate on doing their job which is teaching. If that doesn't help I'd let Ofsted know.

Your mum sounds absolutely brilliant!
I think it’s essential to teach our children that while rules are important, it’s equally important to stand up to bullies, even when they have authority over you.

Op, listen to yourself, this school is dictating the life you and your child's life.

Decline it all and advise you will parent how you see fit!

I missed that the tie pin was misplaced. In that case the whole thing is utterly ridiculous. Nothing is detention-worthy and I would flatly refuse to allow my child to attend detention for any of these issues, which are absolute non-issues.

My child would not be doing those detentions. I certainly wouldn't punish her at home. I would be speaking to the governors and then likely changing schools.

I would not stop any of her activities. The detention is the punishment and more than enough for such stupid infringements. Who do the school think they are dictating to the actual parents what the child should and should not be allowed to do? Nope. Detention is enough and school can sod off. None of these infringements deserve ongoing punishment.