To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

Wtf have I just read.

After school detention for a year 5 child?

School expect you to take their after school activities away?
Are they having a laugh? I wouldn't take any of the after school activities away. Nor the phone. Tbh I wouldn't even be sending my child to this school. None of this is age appropriate.

School need to stay in their lane and you need to stick up for your child and stop this nonsense, it's harmful.

This is a disgusting way to treat children. Girls especially as most will start their period during these years. The ones, who start early, meaning from around year 5, need extra care whilst they try to grapple with periods.

I can only think these rules were implemented by men, who have no concept of what it is like to be a tween / teen girl.

Absolutely DO NOT stop this activity. I don’t know why you’d even ask for a second opinion.

you are her mother? You know the impact this activity has on your daughter. Always be your daughter’s champion!

I’m not being funny here, but how you raise your child is none of the schools business. I also feel that her detentions were pretty harsh anyway. And, if I’m honest, I think a talking to and maybe at the most, the loss of her phone for a night is enough punishment at that age for really pretty small (and pretty petty) misdemeanours.
Personally your school is ridiculous for only allowing water at break and drink, they seem to be forgetting that they are dealing with children - and unless they can go a whole year without forgetting something at all they should get a grip about the key and a simple reminder to move the house pin would have been sufficient. The school sounds draconian and I’d be looking elsewhere.
Do I think you’re wrong for not taking away the yoga type activity? Absolutely not, do I think you’re wrong with the punishments you’ve put in place? Yes, sorry… overly harsh considering. Do I think your school is wrong. Definitely, absolutely yes!

I wouldn't cancel anything. Detention is the punishment - To take everything away is just cruel, in my opinion. Especially for the sanctions you've mentioned. I'd be looking for another school, to be honest.

As a retired secondary school teacher (and parent of two children who were educated through the state education system), I am horrified by the scale of punishments for (very minimal, hardly worth talking about) incidents of misbehaviour. The Form Teacher's approach was unacceptable as regards the 'yoga' as well. Personally I'd have said our child has paid for these minor mistakes, but we think no other punishment is required or necessary.

I think the school is totally over-reacting, the suggestions seem unbelievably harsh, I would chat with your daughter about following rules at school, drinking in the corridor, and making sure she has everything she needs before leaving for school.

Keeping children dehydrated, isolated and anxious is not discipline. Teacher's should have a backbone and refuse to carry out policies that put their students at risk of harm. You need to take your chils out of that school before they destroy her health and well being.

What happens in school needs dealing with in school, if what they did in school affects outside school then repercussions will happen, if not carry on the activities especially the one for health reasons.

The school doesn't have the right to tell you what to do in your privates lives outside of school.
That said, the punishment meted out is excessive and cruel.

I'd be looking for a new school. This is overly controlling and damaging. you can't punish a child into behaviour that they aren't developmentally capable of, nor for drinking water. It's a borderline abuse of power and comes from an inherent fear of free will. She needs you to have her back and be her island of reason. I'd not be removing any activities and challenging such an archaic and behaviourist approach with contemporary science and common fucking sense.

No. This is essentially physio, she needs to go.

I'm also not ok with the discipline heavy approach of the school, how dud she get 3 detentions, and why aren't they asking if she needs support? Hardline punishments are not constructive.

We don’t double punish. Never have. Your child has a school punishment. Doesn’t need a second one

If my kids receive sanctions at school then I will back the school with their stance. I may also give an additional sanction at home BUT that will be for me to decide only, not school.

How ridiculous I would not stop any of her activities for these trivial things!!!

This is utterly bonkers, for far too many reasons to list. The main ones for me though are: what will the school resort to as a punishment for serious offences, where the behaviour has actually impacted on someone?? And crucially, what impact is this over the top approach going to have on your daughter’s mental health? Such an exaggerated set of punishments will slowly chip away at your daughter’s confidence.

The school clearly prioritises the qualities of obedience and organisation in their pupils. You may not have much choice in what school your daughter attends but that doesn’t mean you have to embrace these values in your home. What qualities do you want to encourage in your daughter? Do you agree that the offences committed are worthy of continued punishment at home?

It’s easy to get swept up in a school’s culture and feel like their way of doing things is the right way - I think it’s great that your instincts questioned this situation enough to post on here. It won’t do your daughter any good for you to be openly challenging of the school in front of her but that doesn’t mean you have to be blindly supportive. It will be a tough one to navigate but I think your instincts are spot on and have opened you up to the need to advocate for your daughter in situations where the school clearly hasn’t prioritised her well-being.

Tell the form tutor to do one, talk about overstepping the mark. If they know about your child's medical condition that requires her to participate in a 'yoga' class to help alleviate her symptoms, to suggest taking that away from her is cruel. In fact, reading why your child was given detentions in the first place, all seems unduly harsh and I would not take away outside activities. What do they expect you to do, tar and feather her in the school yard?

Being given a detention for any of these things is unnecessary and in my opinion abusive. Everyone should have access to water whenever they need it as the brain simply doesn't function properly dehydrated. These policies are discriminatory against neurodivergent individuals in particular as they don't have the executive functioning skills necessary to complete these tasks independently. An average nine year old doesn't have those skills either. I would be looking for a new school personally and I certainly wouldn't withdraw any extra curricular activity or my child's phone.

What are you feeling after reading these responses?

I remember the last year I was at primary school (year 3 as we had the middle school system) our teacher said to us that there was no need to ask for permission to go to the loo - we were old enough to know when we needed to go and therefore we just had to write our name on the board so she knew who had gone, and rub it off when we got back. The only rule was you couldn’t go together so just had to see if a name was on the board.

This was nearly 40 years ago. You’d have expected progress rather than regression.

What sort of school is this? I’m a teacher. I preferred to educate my pupils to cope with life. Forgetting something happens all the time in life. So calling your mum (partner/neighbour later in life) is a solution. So is sharing things with a friend or finding some other way to deal with the situation. It is unrealistic to do absolutely nothing other than reflect on your apparently huge failure.
You owe it to your child to sit down with her and explain why you want her at the school. (I’m assuming there’s a bloody good reason.) As you feel the school’s rules were broken, the punishment stays within school boundaries. So there will be no consequences at home. However, as in life-find a solution. She needs to compile a checklist for what she needs at school. It is her responsibility to check off the list every day. Should she then forget something again, she’d have broken home rules, so one privilege will be removed. If it happens again, two privileges. A third time, imo would need an investigation as to the reason.
We all want happy healthy loved children. Sometimes we put them in crazy situations because we believe we’re doing the right thing. That’s life… Help your child to cope…

I think having detention is enough. Obviously it depends on what your child has done. I’d be more interested in knowing why my child is behaving badly - what is going on with them - rather than ramping up the punishment.
As for stopping an activity which helps with pain relief- absolutely no way!

addition:
just read your post on apparent misdemeanours… stuff that! Wtf!

This is absolutely out of order - and I am speaking as a teacher.
Okay, maybe the detentions, taking 10, 15 minutes at break or lunch...
But there is NOTHING here that seems defiant, dangerous, antisocial... nothing that warrants a parent being called in, let alone restrictions of out-of-school activies. Genuinely, I'd be looking at other options for schooling.

The only unreasonable thing is taking away extra curricular activity as a form of punitive sanction.

Treats, privileges fair enough.... But stopping choir seems just weird.... Would they suggest taking someone out of a science or maths club if that was what they enjoyed?

I would try very hard to move my child from a school like that. Is it an academy chain?
My GS is in year 5 and luckily goes to a nurturing caring school. Detentions are not a feature.
The school has absolutely no right to tell you what activities you do in your own time.
Young children do not learn by being constantly sanctioned. I despair of the philosophy of constantly punishing that seems to infect many schools these days .