To not stop this activity even though school asked me to?

[StoppingTheClassDueToDetention]

DD is 9, Year 5 but at a middle school so it’s more like a secondary school than a primary.

If a child gets 2 lunchtime detentions in a half term, the 3rd detention is after school on a Thursday and a meeting with the parents and form tutor is held.

DD got her 3rd Detention so had to do it after school last night. Meeting for me was today.

School urge parents to backup the detention by taking away out of school activities, phones or other rewards and the form tutor urged me to do this.

DD does 3 activities out of school and I am taking away 2 of them; one is tomorrow and the other Monday after school.

The other one I am reluctant to take away, she has a medical condition that causes pain. Her pain levels are much lower and she’s less likely to need painkillers which cause their own issues (constipation, more exhausted so unable to get through the day and do her normal activities etc) if she does this activity. It’s a physical activity, for this thread we’ll say its Yoga but it’s not that but works in a similar way.

When DD doesn’t do yoga due to her teacher being off or her being ill there is noticeable differences in her pain levels and ability to get through the day without pain killers, it affects her school work because she is more tired due to the painkillers so I’m being called to pick her up etc. Basically unless the teacher is off or she’s ill, she goes to Yoga, I plan holidays around it and try and find classes where we stay if we’re going to be away over the normal class it's that important to keep her doing it and exercising as she just cannot function or be a normal 9yo without.

I told DDs form tutor I would stop the other 2 activities, taken away her phone for the weekend and if she carries on will remove her from the Easter Concert for her Choir activity that she’s been practising for all half term both during Choir sessions and also in the shower every single morning before school. She is really excited to be in this concert as she missed out at Christmas due to the concert time falling during her dads weekend so she didn’t even audition (I use that term loosely, literally anyone who auditions gets a place, it’s just to see whether you get a solo or do chorus/duet etc instead). I will also not let her go to the café after Yoga which is our usual ritual every week.

Her form tutor urged me to rething taking Yoga away as there is a social aspect to it. But the class is 30 mins with little time to chat during it and I can hurry her in and out before and after. Teacher is aware of her medical issues but as she's only been at the school less than a year and they've not seen the effects of her not going I don't think they realise how much it's needed.

I don't agree with punishing her to the point of pain either, that just seems counterproductive and borderline cruel to me.

So AIBU to not stop Yoga?

It sounds like, for whatever reasons, you've bought into these ideas as being normal and maybe even good for your daughter in some way. I suppose it's easier for some schools to do this to some parents but hopefully you have realised from all these responses that the opposite is true. There is literally NO benefit to your daughter from all these petty and often damaging rules and the potential for both physical and mental damage is huge. The very fact that you chose to do what the school effectively ordered you to do, almost blindly and unthinkingly shows how much you have been gaslighted/brainwashed into believing that this type of discipline is good for your child when in fact, in the real world, the complete opposite is true. Luckily you drew the line at withdrawing a therapy that your daughter needs for her physical health although you seemed close to contemplating it simply on the say so of the school? I find this level of coercive control extremely worry and as many others have said I would be looking at removing her from such a toxic, damaging environment before any further harm is done. I know that's easier said than done but hopefully now that you have been made aware of how damaging that kind of school is to children it will give you the energy needed to find an alternative. Or at the very least put in a strongly worded worded complaint to the Head, pointing out all the schools failings in terms of duty of care to their pupils physical and mental health. As others have also suggested, print off copies of the replies on here to show them that they are being absolutely ridiculous and downright dangerous. I don't believe that them saying you knew the rules when you enrolled your daughter is a good enough excuse as for some parents there simply is no other option. Also, what does your daughter's dad think of all this and is he aware if how extreme the school is? You mention that you are not together anymore but can you get him onboard with this and present a united front against the school?And even if you find it impossible to remove her from that school then please, please make her home life the complete opposite to the awful, punitive environment that she is spending so much of her time in during the week to counterbalance all that harm being done to her there.

Agree with every word of this ^

I am by no means a liberal parent, I’m on th strict end tbh but think this school sounds insane and damaging.

The way you are replying is like you think people don't understand the rules. We get the rules. We just think they are horrendous, verging on breaching human rights and are shocked and amazed that as her mother you're allowing her to be treated like that.

I agree, and the fact the mother just keeps repeating the rules and saying "it's like a secondary school", when it sounds more like a gulag. The whole thread has really affected me. Just thinking about this 9 year old girl being made to feel like a bad person for a few minor mistakes and then having her Mum turn her home life into the same grey, drab experience she's having at school. She must be feeling awful and like she has no-one to turn to. I cannot fathom how anyone with an IOTA of maternal instinct hasn't already sent the de-reg email.

I'm a secondary school teacher and we don't have rules any were near this strict. It sounds awful

@TotoroElla yes as I clearly stated, obviously not the case. Don’t get yourself in a tizzy over it though, nothing for you to get defensive about 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😂😂

That sounds so strict!! I wouldn’t remove any after school activities for any of that, her consequence has been the detentions surely that should mean it’s been dealt with and move on rather than keep punishing her for things so minor that have already been addressed..

I also think this is an unhelpful attitude by the school and not a positive environment that will help your child learn to remember.
It will just make her frightened of forgetting.
She is a child - heck adults forget things too. Ask the from tutor if they have never forgotten anything?
Some people have worse or better memories than others and punishment wont help. There may be other strategies that may help.
Ask your daughter to think about what might help her remember- solutions might be most effective if they are generated by the child if possible.
No I would not be stopping any after school activity at all and I would be complaining about the detentions being unhelpful, barbaric, dictatorial and bizarre.
Ask the school to introduce more positive culture in the school as you think the well being of the pupils is being damaged by the current punitive culture.

Yes I can't believe the mother came up with the bright idea of not letting her DD perform in a concert she'd been so excited about for months. This was the mothers idea to add yet another punishment if her DD continues. Continues what? To have a sip of water when thirsty, to accidentally forget a key. It's utterly depressing. I can't imagine how the child feels when everyone at school and home is constantly punishing her for being human.

The outrage on here is really interesting.

I have long not understood the prison camp ethos of these schools but there are multiple threads which love the Birbalsingh method which this school is clearly emulating.

I usually feel like I’m in the minority detesting this method but maybe the tide is turning.

WTAF?! GIving a child detention in year 5 for something so minor is shocking. I wouldn't stop any after school and I'd be looking for a more inclusive, child centred school! What is likely to happen is that the child stops doing all clubs and hobbies as then there's nothing to take away.

Absolutely ridiculous reasons for detentions.

I can't get my head around them not allowed to drink or use the toilet unless at break times.
How would a girl cope while on her period?

It seems unnecessarily strict

I'd like to know the thoughts and reason of 3% who voted yabu

Bloody hell. Just saw this thread for the first time and have read OPs posts hoping by the end she'll be changing schools and report to Ofsted! Totally inappropriate for a 9 year old. Our secondary school wouldn't give detentions for these reasons unless happening on multiple occasions, or even think about asking parents to stop activities outside of school.

I'm sure someone else has suggested this already but as an immediate step I'd make sure you push them to agree a health plan for her condition which include her being able to drink water during the day (whether by visiting her locker or taking a water bottle to lessons).

I know time has moved on and you've made your decisions OP but my response would have been to laugh and say 'no. No I'm not doing that. These detentions are for very limited rule-breaking. I am not going to carry forward into my home any school-based punishment for such minor infractions.'

It's school and it's so very minor. That's it. She hasn't hit anyone, been rude, repeatedly not done homework etc etc.

Agree, and to think you are paying for them to treat her like this. Things have gone too far.

Ffs you need to re think this school!! What are you doing punishing this poor child like this?!

Not unreasonable except in that it's unreasonable for you to allow school to dictate your behaviours outside of school hours and their punishment to overflow into your private home.
Don't stop any of it.
Tell the school that they are overstepping boundaries.
The school punishments are punitive enough and I wouldn't support most.
If you want to support school punishments, fine. Tell them you will support their detentions or sanctions but once she is at home that's a fresh slate, a safe space and your remit. You will take over from there, F *ç£ you very much!

Welcome to St Trinian's.

Tell the teacher to go and get stood on.

The thought of them trying to stop your DDs yoga is cruel, the effects of their actions is to cause physical pain to a young child. Even if she had bullied another kid which she may not have done. They must not turn a blind eye to this because it could result in a safeguarding concern.

As her mum, I am sure you will stand your ground.

What planet are they on?

Me too! Maybe they work at the school😄

Wouldn’t stop a single one of them. They’ve got no jurisdiction out of school. I mean, try and address what is causing the detentions. That’s concerning.

" I mean, try and address what is causing the detentions. That’s concerning."

1 detention was for forgetting her locker key so she couldn't get any of her stuff (they didn't give her a chance to call me to bring it in as a one off I'd do this as I wfh)
1 detention was for being caught drinking out her bottle in the corridor between lessons (drinks only allowed at break and lunchtime)
1 detention for not wearing her houses pin on her tie (it was on her blazer lapel)

Yes the reasons for detention are crazily concerning.

I got to the fourth paragraph where you say school wants you to do further punishments by removing after school activities and didn't need to read any further. The school is being ridiculous!!!! I'd be telling them to get stuffed. Detention is the punishment. You don't need further punishment. YABU for taking away two after school activities already, you shouldn't be taking any away.

The reasons for detention are batshit crazy. Why are you accepting this?

I think she's being unreasonable to be in collaboration with the school instead of protecting her daughter to begin with.