To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Do you think changing the potty would help?

My DS refused to sit on a "normal" potty but was obsessed with the new potty I bought. It looked just like a toilet & had a flush handle that made flushing sounds.

And yet we do not have an enormous rash of neuro typical 10 year olds in nappies. Because most if not all neuro typical kids without SEN DO just decide it's time eventually. Maybe later than a primary teacher might like, but they do get there.

Oh that's okay then. Sod the teachers. They should just deal with it, like household servants. Christ, no wonder so few people want that job these days.

Why are you insisting on turning this into a poor teachers thread?

My child isn’t even school age

because others have mentioned children starting school while still not potty trained. It's gone off track a bit.

@Comeandeat you don't need to defend yourself or provide links or anything like that. You are doing what is right for your child.

The posters giving you a hard time will be the ones whose Daughter-In-Laws "hate them" and wonders why they don't get to see their grandchildren when all they do is criticise and judge x

Jees. I don't really know what people feel like they're achieving from some of these replies. Just because potty training didn't drive you to the edge doesn't mean it can't do it to someone else. Everyone's experience is different. OP, I think I felt similar to you. I found myself shouting where it wasnt really her fault (which made me feel awful) and, like yours, she found it funny to make a mess and wasn't bothered in the slightest about being wet - so that advice to let them do it in their clothes and they'll feel uncomfortable enough to be motivated into having less accidents always makes me laugh (the only exception to this was the accident she had whilst we were out for an evening stroll round the block - I guess it got chillier then?! Food for thought?!). She was definitely not motivated by sweet rewards or stickers either. I gave up much like you and it was a great feeling ditching the pants so I know exactly what you're talking about. I did keep sitting her on the toilet though (although, with the safety of pull ups, I didn't feel the need to time it anymore so it was far more natural and way less stressful). I felt major guilt because I felt like I would "confuse" her as it feels like literally everyone says it has to be all or nothing. But.... She gradually started to get drier (worth mentioning I did also check her pull up very regularly and changed her as soon as I could - given she didn't particularly like to be changed I kind of hoped that would be a deterrent to wetting!) and then she was dry so we took away the pull ups. Poo was slightly different. We had to catch her doing it a few times and sit her on the potty mid poo (luckily she was/is a grunter(!) so we'd just take her as soon we heard a noise or saw the pursed lips!). Messy but we got there in the end. I also will mention, I left all this til summer since everything seems easier in the summer. Shorts take less space and time to wash/dry too and everyone's spirits seem higher! So I really admire your determination going hardcore through winter and can doubly understand why you're through with it!

I do feel like you're being far too hard on yourself though with some of the comments you've made after being goaded by some "lovely" posters on here - from what you've said you've got a pretty new baby still and hormones will likely be all over the place! It might seem like it's all too hard to handle now so I feel like giving yourself a breather seems very sensible tbh. You obviously feel like you want to give up forever now and I get it. Re the special needs thing, I'd definitely say have that conversation with the nursery staff if you're concerned in other areas (although, from my recent experience, depending on the nursery, they may not have much of a clue). I wouldn't be basing anything solely off his lack of ability to notice/care he's wet though, regardless of the crap people spout on here! I know it's easy to take comments to heart when you're spiralling, but this situation really doesn't mean you're doing a crap job as a mum either. Just keep pushing forward and remind yourself that everything is just a phase and sometimes doing things differently from the masses works out just fine (and although you may indeed need to start things again to give him a helping hand, there's enough people on here saying their LO did literally just decide one day to say no to nappies to know that it's not an impossibility! As a parting anecdote, my godson (who is ND) did exactly that, just before he and his family boarded the flight for their holiday 😬. He was fine luckily and had no accidents and that was the end of nappies for him - just in time for starting school!!)

is that hypothesis though or does anyone have actual proof that so many kids are starting reception not toilet trained?

cos I’ve never seen anyone in reception in nappies. There’s the odd accident, which is normal.

can schools even agree to take a child in nappies as there will be no changing facilities, and there’d need to be extra trained staff to deal with it.

so unless someone can show otherwise I call bullshit on the idea that lack of potty training is causing children to be starting school
in nappies.

There was a daily mail article a few weeks back which got everyone frothing.

Except there is an almost identical article from eleven years ago!

Sorry but you waited until child told you they were ready .you are the parent. Nearly 4 is ridiculous unless there is some sort of special needs ..it's so lazy .nursers and school teachers must be so fed up of this .kind if attitude

You keep saying ‘sorry but.’

Stop it. You’re not sorry at all.

Do people really think your average 3yo will just piss themselves forever if not fully trained by a set date? How odd. Teachers aren't dealing with 3.3yo, there's a year til anyone thinking about school, that's just being hyperbolic.

All 3 of mine struggled pre 3yo, all found it harder when really pushed, all managed it when left to decide with NO accidents, years, withholding or trauma. Basically instantly. Not the traditional way, I'm sure, but ownership, praise, positivity, gentle reminders and humour did it where chocolate buttons and piss soaked clothes did not. If it's too much, OP, give it a rest for a month. At his age, that's forever.

Just leave it till he’s ready. I found with mine that once she could speak and say she wanted the toilet it was plain sailing. She also refused the potty and would only use the toilet. How’s his speech?

I think you’ve misunderstood what is mostly meant by waiting to be ready.
It’s not waiting for the child to literally request to use the toilet. It’s things like being able to follow basic instructions or noticing when they have done a poo. I’m no expert at all but most experts do talk about readiness. Either way I don’t know why it would be ‘cringe’.

That said my DM finds it bizarre that there are experts. She literally couldn’t believe there are courses online or books about potty training as I guess years ago people just got on with it. As this thread shows though, that might just reflect that she was lucky to have relatively simple to train children.

Both my DS were 'late' to train. One was around the same as yours and one was older, maybe 3 and a half. It's not easy, you have my sympathy. In the end we used the oh crap method, which someone told me about. Strip them off as much as possible, waist down naked. Let them wet themselves and feel how horrible it is. They soon understood what the potty was for. You just need to be prepared with carpet spray and kitchen roll! And chocolate buttons of course for when they get to the potty in time.

Schools have to agree to take a child in nappies as otherwise they would be breaking the law
Having said that I have know n several.children start school in nappies my own child included ( he has always gone to a special school though) and they all had an EHCP with diagnosed disabilities such as Global development delay etc

Coming into this very late and haven't RTFT but OP try not to worry, and please don't pull him from preschool. Late potty training isn't uncommon IME and no one will think badly of you

Just stop, take all the pressure off. Take him for a wee when you go for a wee since he will do it and it will keep it part of his routine, but pop a pull up on and expect him to use it. Don't beat yourself up

My eldest potty trained 1 week before his 4th birthday, 6 months before he was due to start school. He went from weeing and pooing pants/nappy without a care in the world one day to wanting to wear pants, using the toilet and being completely dry for both wees and poos the next. Something just clicked for him! He did like the book 'pirate Pete's potty'

He is ADHD and possibly (likely) high functioning autism, I've no idea if it played a part but once he was dry he was dry from that moment on with barely a since accident

Don't panic, give yourself and him a break from the stress, it'll come!

Mine too, no one batted an eyelid.

Argh the lack of critical thinking on this thread is driving me insane!

Potty training is a milestone just like any other childhood developmental milestone and there’s going to be a wide range at which it’s achieved, with outliers. Yes, the data shows that potty training is happening later than it did a few generations ago and the reasons for that are complex and multi faceted - social and cultural in the most part.

Shaming parents and children who are later to potty train achieves what precisely? We wouldn’t shame late walkers or criticise a child who has started school and struggles to make it through the day without a nap!

This has definitely hit a nerve for me as I’m in the same position and have been having a very stressful time with my son, and trying for a lot less time than 4 months!

Its ridiculous isn't it
I'm a 70,s baby so can confirm we were all mainly put of nappies earlier that doesn't mean we were all.fully toilet trained tough I have a very vivid memory of being in reception and staff cleaning a child who had shit himself and they were using a yellow bucket
I also remember several.children being discretely taken away in infants as they had ,had toilet accidents my mum recalls my now 52 year old
Sister coming out of school in reception with crossed legs desperately needing a wee

One of my kids want trained til about 5.WE tried everythng. urned out she had faecal impaction which made it impossible for her to feel the urge for either bowel or bladder.
She literally had no symptoms of constipation.I wouldnt have known!

"Yes, the data shows that potty training is happening later than it did a few generations ago and the reasons for that are complex and multi faceted - social and cultural in the most part"

I think it's convenience.
If you had to hand-wash and iron the muslin cloth nappies all the time like generations ago, all children by 2 years would be potty trained (like they are in countries where the plastic nappies aren't accessible or everyone I know and hasn't used shop bought ones).

I think it’s convenience and not having to do all the washing, and the fact that nappies are much better quality and more comfortable now.

Also a different understanding of child development and approaches to discipline - yes might mean taking a more child led approach and things happening later which some obviously don’t agree with.

Then just generally pace of life, I won’t lie and say that hasn’t been a factor in our family but I’m not going to be told that I’m therefore a lazy parent. Everyone’s situation and child is completely different so talking in generalities is pointless. I’ve tried to take the same approach with my son as I did with my daughter who was easily potty trained at 2.5 but he’s got other ideas!

And like with everything, there’s a big case of selective memory going on I’m sure!

This sounds like my son, who is now 3yrs and 7 months and we still have to drag him to the toilet.
However accidents have stopped and he now doesn't want to soil himself.
This stage will pass.
You are doing just fine.
I started doing elimination communication on my baby because I refuse to go through potty training again, I highly recommend it. Having a dance party when baby pood in the toilet also helped son to want to do the same.
Good luck x

What’s elimination communication? Never heard of this, I’m curious 🧐