To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

The Op,s son is not starting school for 18 months why on earth do you think.he might not be trained in primary school?

@SingsongSu

No, you need to parent your children, part of that is making sure they're school ready. I assume he's going to school this September (6 months time). Unless a child has SN, they need to be toileting themselves.

@Comeandeat

Assuming you'd have said if you suspected any kind of SN & that's different.

If no SN what consequences have you tried (after you've exhausted rewards)?

IME you need to make it more boring & more time consuming to NOT go to the toilet, than it is to go. So taking his own wet clothing to the washing machine (or another suitable place) washing & drying himself and going and getting fresh clothes and putting them on himself.

its an incentive to avoid wetting himself.

you need (if you haven't already) to get firm, not all 'no matter dahling'

@x2boys

As I said in my post I know that

It was more about how things seem to be going

Leave it a couple of months, dad books some time off, then get you one of these. See if he copies dad when he goes for a wee.

Well if you tried reading the thread instead of assuming ,you would realise he doesn't start school until 2025 so has another 18 months,

This is honestly not how child development works.

Even if you don’t want to look into the science around this, you will see many posters on this thread (me included) who describe how they have not done any toilet training and their children have made the move to pants - largely without accidents - of their own accord across a range of ages. Those parents have explained how it was mostly stress free for them and their children.

In contrast, there are many parents here insisting that you must start toilet training at a certain age and reporting how they and their children struggled or found it hard work, or had to resort to bribery or had to deal with cleaning up wee and poo for weeks or even months on end. Why put yourself and your child through this when it absolutely is not necessary?!

I agree the waiting to be 'ready' is cringe.

All the 'waiting to be ready-ers' are the ones with nearly school aged, or school aged children in nappies until the 11th hour.

A nearly school aged child doesn't need to be potty trained. They need to be shown how to use a toilet, in an age appropriate age. They should be using a toilet at that age, not a potty.

Waiting for a hypothetical 'mummy im ready to wear pants today' is ridiculous.
Also taking your child out of preschool which is essential for his learning and social skills, is also ridiculous.

Nothing the OP is doing is in the child's best interests, at all.

Change tactics, there are many ways to toilet train. Don't just give up and pull him out of school in a strop.

@Comeandeat

The potty training doesn't matter. Ignore all the wazzocks on here. For good or ill a lot of children these days go to school still in nappies; teachers choosing to go into early years are not anticipating an easy time with sedate mini adults and never to come into contact with bodily fluids. Much less nursery workers. They may not love it, but it's part of the job, just like taxi drivers know the odd Friday night customer may chuck up on the upholstery. They'll live.

Little kids that age are not going to dislike or bully your son because he has accidents. They are still so young, they don't have that mean judgemental attitude that they pick up from adults as they get bigger.

Kids get there at different times, due to SEN, lack of parental understanding and input (obviously not the case here) or simply because they are no ready. Boys tend to get there slower than girls. Your son I very unlikely to be the only kid still in nappies when he goes to school (if he still is). And as you yourself know, it's far less bother to change a shitty nappy than shitty pants and trousers. So the nicest thing you can do for his nursery workers/future teachers is to keep him in pull-ups until he's a bit more engaged/reliable.

What worries me is how deeply, deeply unhappy this has made you, and how you so freely abused yourself, and how you are going to extremes as a reaction ("he just won't go to school then") to how horrible people are being here. Your posts are crying out for someone to recognise that you are incredibly unhappy and distressed. Given you are relatively recently postnatal, I have to ask (although it is such a Mumsnet cliche) - is there any chance you might have PND? And this challenging time with your son's toiletting is just the hook the depression and anxiety is hanging itself on? With me it was obsession about breastfeeding and constantly worrying my baby was terribly ill and I was failing to notice it and she'd die. The fatalism and the extremism of your posts really rang a bell with me.

So I would beg you, step back from the potty training (as you have wisely decided to do). But don't take your son out of preschool because of it, and don't withdraw from the world are large - that's the last thing you need. Next time you talk to the health visitor, skip anything about toilet training and instead talk about how YOU are feeling and acting, and ask for an assessment for your mental health. You matter; you are deeply unhappy; you are entitled to help and support. You are not any of those horrible things you or anyone on this thread have said. Please take care of yourself xx

Well you obviously have made up your mind not to bother to carry on trying to potty train him. It's your kid that will be in nappies at whatever age not ours 🤷🏼‍♀️

I can 100% sympathise with your anxiety, stress and sadness, OP. However, though many posters have been extremely unkind to you here (which I disagree with), you have been vague, hostile and seemingly disinterested right off the bat, even before those posters came along.

They undoubtedly exacerbated your responses, however I asked you on page 1 what methods you have been using, and you said ‘no method really’ and then later in the thread you claimed to have used Oh Crap, bribery, taking advice off friends etc, so I genuinely don’t understand the lack of engagement.

It would be very helpful for the posters who are trying to help you know more details of what has been going on, but you seem very unwilling to. It’s begging the question ‘what do you want out of this thread?’, which is often asked in sarcasm. Though you are also responding to that in sarcasm.

I have read every one of your responses and a genuinely trying to get a read on your journey so far, but you’re keeping that info behind steel bars. Why?

Take the Oh Crap method (OK, you hate it. Understood), but what went wrong? Where did it go wrong and when? What did the typical day look like on this method when you first started in, in detail?

We waited until all of ours were ready. One was into pants of her own accord at 2.5. She literally declared she wanted to wear pants one day and never went in a nappy again and had no accidents. The other two (boys) were around 4. They absolutely can tell you when they’re ready and for the vast majority that don’t have additional needs, that will end up happening before they start school.
OP is not giving up on him - she is looking at the child in front of her, making a rational assessment of his needs and recognising that what she and he need is a break from the pointless stress and misery of something that isn’t working for either of them. She is ‘changing tactics’, as you put it - she‘s changing to something far better for her and her son.

yep.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush its true, posts like the one I’ve quoted are really upsetting. I honestly can’t work out why people are saying it’s ’disgusting’ he’s still in nappies when he isn’t (only at night which is normal) but he just poos in his pants. I feel like I’ve pushed him into it before he’s ready to do so and caused problems.

Seriously has noone else spotted that the op has several times referenced her worsening state of mind, her low mood, her desperation, the fact she has a young baby too? But all you want to do is bitchily pile on her? Have a word with yourselves. I know it's famously a nest of vipers but FFS.

To be honest I was in a very bad place yesterday. DS pooed in his pants and it is a small thing really but I had to change him and sort all that and it’s not easy as he giggles and tries to run off (I know he’s probably embarrassed but doesn’t make it any easier.) I realised I didn’t have any pants for him and I just nearly cried. Stupid I know! And I came on here thinking I might get a bit of encouragement 😂😂 to be fair I have but it’s not been the majority of posts.

My son didn't get the hang of it until he gone four and due to start reception. We tried a couple of times and he just wet himself over and over so we gave up and decided to wait until he said he was ready but this didn't work and to be honest if hadn't of pushed it due to him starting to school I think he would quite happily still be in nappies now. It took a lot of patience but it did just suddenly click finally.

Totally agree. It’s awful.

I recognise in the OP’s words the way I often talked about myself (in my head) when I was up to my eyes in PND. Maybe that is not the case for the OP, but she is clearly in need of compassion and support. So much mean spirited, ignorant nonsense on this thread.

I think I am a bit low @PurpleElf . I’ve had some horrible things happen in the last month, I won’t bore everyone with details but it’s been tough going. DH isn’t being very supportive (interesting now his role has only been mentioned by one poster.)

It’s not cringe. Would you rather spend months training or be done in less than a week? All that stress and faff and washing for nothing. But yes your way is better, let’s spend months doing something we don’t need to for the same results AT THE SAME AGE..

What madness.

An no my kids were not school aged one was ready at 2 years and 9 months and one 3 years 3 I think. A whole year before school!

Sorry you’re having a tough time and absolutely your DH could help out here. Why is it the mother’s sole job to potty ‘train’.

Ignore all the idiots on here. I’d honestly just take a break from it all and give it a go again in a few months.

Completely agree. Shameful behaviour. Especially those that pile on without even reading the thread.

Please look after yourself. I know that sounds trite, but you are not a terrible parent or a bad person. The potty training is quite possibly a lightening rod right now for lots of other issues and so stepping back from it may give space for you to breathe and reflect on what are the real things you need support with. I’m glad your DH is supportive - that is key - but I also know from my own experience that the thoughts running through your head can’t be silenced by anyone else. If your HV is shit, try your GP. Or perhaps you are on mat leave but can access support through an employee assistance programme
through work? Even just writing down all the things that are getting to you can release some pressure and help you find clarity. Take care x

Seriously give it a rest. Does it make you feel better having a go at another woman who is clearly struggling. Would you have a go at the father too? Or is all the OP’s fault?

Honestly, what am I reading here?

Some of these replies are hideous, I’m going to leave this so called supportive site and hopefully you will too, please try to ignore all the negativity, give yourself a break,
there is/was a charitable organisation called “Eric” - supporting families with bowel/bladder issues, see if you can find them on line, there may be a number to call? To get some support
wishing you all the best 🤗