To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

The potty training doesn't matter. Ignore all the wazzocks on here. For good or ill a lot of children these days go to school still in nappies; teachers choosing to go into early years are not anticipating an easy time with sedate mini adults and never to come into contact with bodily fluids. Much less nursery workers. They may not love it, but it's part of the job, just like taxi drivers know the odd Friday night customer may chuck up on the upholstery. They'll live.

Ask a reception teacher from 20 years ago, they'll tell you they expected to deal with the odd accident or upset tummy. That's all. They didn't expect to deal with several children per cohort who were still in nappies and not able or willing to use a toilet at all, let alone be able to take themselves to the toilet independently. THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

This is nuts. It's baby/child-led parenting gone too far.

Or the sort of thing enormously depressed and unhappy people say.

Nobody is suggesting the OP waits 18 months to send him to school in nappies! So stop derailing the thread with all this school talk.

My son came home and done a poo in a nappy after school until age 5. Potty trained age 3. He is autistic, but even if he wasn’t why does it bother you? He soon started shitting on the toilet and it didn’t affect anybody, including us. He doesn’t even remember.

Completely agree

It may not have been normal 20 years ago but it is normal now. For better or worse. I'm not saying it's great but it is the way things are now so the OP has no cause to worry her kid will be singled out or made fun of or despised by his teachers. He'll b one of several kids in the same situation.

lol I got the lecture from my mum that I needed to potty train, with dire warnings that if I didn’t they’d still be in nappies doing a’levels.

guess what. A simple matter of noticing when nappies were dry for longer periods, showing bladder control.

older one all it took was an offer of a chocolate button if they did a wee in the toilet, they did, job done.

younger one actually asked to go to the toilet, took their nappy off, job done.

in pants from that day, no worries, no hassles. Around 3 for both of them.

compared to the kid at dance class being “trained”, which involved mum following the kid round with a potty the whole session, then kid pissing on the floor anyway, and yet another clothes change appearing from a massive bag.
For weeks if not months.

i know which I preferred.

if a kid doesn’t have enough control to make it to a toilet 10 metres away they aren’t ready.

Also 20 years ago it would have been pretty routine for parents to spank their child if they didn't learn quick enough. And SEN kids who didn't learn that way would have been excluded from education. Would you prefer to live in that world? Because I wouldn't.

But why are you suggesting that the OP’s child will go to school in 18 months in a nappy? Just because he doesn’t get it at around 3 doesn’t mean he won’t in a couple of months time.

The school chat is annoying. OP is a year and a half away from school!

You have my sympathies OP I think it can be really difficult and stressful. Defo take a break for your own sanity. I tried when my son was 2.5 and it didn’t work in fact he started holding it in so I had to stop. Tried again at 3 and it didn’t work again and he started holding. A lady in my child’s creche said wait til the weather is warmer. I feel in retrospect this was good advice , it’s easier when the weather is good and you can have them outside playing in the garden with potty nearby. Tried a few months later and he eventually cracked it after a long time with lots and lots of accidents along the way. Some people seem to think they are superior parents if they manage to get a child out of nappies at 18 months or whatever but every child is different.

Twenty years, right? 2004?

[[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2321422/amp/Children-starting-school-nappies-Youngsters-old-toilet-trained.html www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2321422/amp/Children-starting-school-nappies-Youngsters-old-toilet-trained.html is 2013, so eleven years.

I really don’t think 2004 was this lovely land of amazing parenting that you might think.

I'm not talking about this specific child. I was addressing the poster who seemed to think it was no biggie to send NT children to mainstream school still in nappies or unable to use the toilet independently. She made it sound as if it was the most normal and acceptable thing in the world. Well it may be increasingly common but it's certainly not normal and teachers really shouldn't be expected to do this part of your parenting for you. They are teachers of four year olds, not nannies/nursery nurses of babies and toddlers. That's a different job altogether.

I would keep pushing through if I'm honest. If your son has got no inclination because he's lazy (some kids genuinely are), then if you quit he'll just learn that you will change his nappies if he pushes back enough. If he's got a learning delay, then he needs to consistently keep doing it to grasp the skills.

My daughter has a significant developmental delay as well as other special needs and potty trained at around the same age. I started at 2.5 and she just didn't get it. We cracked on though because I decided that it's better to learn very slowly then not learn at all.

Moving up to the preschool room was what finally made DD grasp toileting. She was in a room of fully potty trained children, so she saw all her peers modelling the behaviour of saying they needed the toilet and going into the toilets multiple times a day. And one day she started mimicking them, and it just went from there.

You can do this. Keep pushing through

Also I was worried that I messed it up by starting and stopping a few times but actually that wasn’t the case. When he was a bit bigger and had better understanding it was much easier to do it. Please try not to worry too much, I can appreciate the stress of it cos I was the same. They all get there in the end.

I beg to differ. There has been a slow creep and I am sure it's far more of an issue than it ever was in 2004.

Or it's what someone who is desperately struggling and suffering with low self esteem says.

The problem is the news says otherwise. At one time there won’t have been as many children not toilet trained because children with special needs will have been in special schools.

I would also like to add that I think there is a misconception it can be done in a few days or even a couple of weeks. Maybe that’s the case for some kids but in fact it can take months and it did in my case. Expect loads of accidents. I had to throw out so many pairs of trousers and pants cos of poo accidents for a long time !

It bothers me because if he's capable of holding it in until he's home from school, then pooing into a nappy as soon as he is home is purely out of laziness/habit/comfort/attention seeking. He's perfectly capable of using the toilet.

And also it's just not healthy to be anally retentive. He might be seeping or farting all over the place which will make him smell at school. He might be focusing so much on holding in his poo that he can't sit still, listen and learn properly. We should all go when we feel the first urge to go. The ability to hold it in should only be deployed until we can reach a loo.

Look, it doesn't 'bother me,' because he's your child and you are the one who has to deal with your 5 year old and his 5 year old sized shits. Not me. If it were my child it would bother me hugely because it's not normal and it's not right. He can clearly control his bowels but he's choosing to behave like a baby who cannot.

there are some really horrible judgemental posts on this thread.

Yes that's a very good point. I do think a big part of the issue is that there are far more children with developmental delay going into mainstream schools than there used to be.

But clearly lots of NT children are just not encouraged to potty train as early as they were when mine where toddlers (all in their 20s now.) I think far fewer children have a SAHP with the time and patience and more and more parents have bought into the child/baby-led everything philosophy. Frankly, if they are rushed off their feet trying to run and home, be a parent and hold down a full time job, you can see why this would seem like an attractive option, to just wait until the child magically wakes up one day and decides they've outgrown nappies. Especially if you are not the one having to change them day in, day out because you are at work and someone else gets that pleasure.

But I am a firm believer in the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

@TwigletsAndRadishes makes some really good points.

It’s simply the opposite. You try too early and the longer it will take. Leave it to the right time (and that could be 2,3) then it will be done and dusted very quickly.

My son is 3 years and 8months. I desperately tried to potty train him before nursery. He became extremely upset and angry when he had an accident. Huge meltdowns. He is my second so it's not like I haven't potty trained a child before (DD done at 2.5years).

Over the months, nursery and I have been working together to take a low pressure approach. He is in pull ups all the time. He is able to sit on the toilet at school and do a wee. He cannot control his bowels but we aren't sure if this is choice or not. Poo is extremely sloppy and dietician is at a loss. This really affects things. School want him in pull ups due to the mess.

At home, I have been gradually introducing more toilet time without pressure. If he melts down then we lose the battle.

In the last few weeks, he has been copying his sister and going for a wee out and about and choosing too. I've also trained him into doing a bed time wee and a morning wee. I'm working my way to doing more wee breaks in the day.

My point is that OP isn't crazy for waiting for him to consider doing it himself. Whenever I've got the stickers out, followed a method my son just goes into free fall meltdown. Some little people need to do it on their own terms.

I'm incredibly embarrassed that he is still in pull ups. I feel judged. BUT, he is bringing me pants from his drawer to show me, getting into wee routines. it will happen when it happens.

Oh OP, just wanted to give you a word of support. You must be exhausted - a new baby, a stubborn toddler, poo everywhere and DH who, judging by your posts, does f all.

You are not stupid, or lazy. You are this boy's mum and you are doing your best. He will get there eventually, so be easy on yourself - and him! Take a break and start again at a apace that feels good for both of you. Also - no need to be embarrassed. You seem to worry a lot of what people say; honestly, don't! We are sometimes much harder on ourselves than people around us. Hold your head up high, and do what feels right - but please put your boy back into preschool, its not a problem that he is in nappies. Kids this age wont care, and if parents comments - tell them to eff off! He is not dirty, or whatever. He's still only 3! A baby ))