To give up potty training and wait for DS to say he wants to wear pants / use the toilet?

[Comeandeat]

We’ve been trying since November and it’s obviously now march.

I’ve put pull ups on him because I’ve run out of clean trousers. I think with that I’ve decided to leave it. I don’t ever want to initiate it myself again. It’s destroyed me. AIBU just to wait for DS? I don’t even care when that is any more.

He is 3 years and 3 months.

Ffs this is why so many children start school still in nappies...

I toilet-trained my non verbal autistic son aged 2.. you have to put the effort in!

@Comeandeat

Not a child poo story...but one in which I was taught a lesson.

Son was toilet trained easily.

I had two dogs, one a rescue dog,and they were house trained really easily and fast.

I used to look at people who couldn't house train their dogs like they were just not trying.
'Use a code word!'
'Give a treat!'

Then....along came little Miss Piddlepants.

She doesn't like going outside in the rain to wee - yet she poos outside!

I go in garden with her... and she glues herself to the side door to go in....and then does a wee on the {thankfully bleachable} floor the minute my back is turned.

She always chooses this one spot - I don't get cross, but have disposable cleaning materials ready which makes swabbing the wee easier.

She never does this at other people's houses... just here!

When it rains. I literally cannot turn off the rain.

She does wear coats now to pop out into the garden.. {pic of what she does otherwise!}

It is annoying... but you will get there eventually.

SNs aside, it seems accepted to let children potty train later and later these days. Personally I think it's pretty grim to be changing the nappies of children who are 3 years old and more. I don't know if it's because with two parents both working out of the home, or an increase in single parent households just means people are under more stress and there is less time to devote to it, but pushing the can down the road isn't really the answer. If it means taking some time off work and keeping him off nursery for a week or so with a weekend either side and doing nothing but devoting your time to that, then just get on with it. The Easter holidays are coming up so that would be a good time.

Mine were all clean and dry in the daytime by the time they were 2 and a half. I was a SAHM so it was pretty easy with all of them. A friend of mine had a child who was in full time school and used to wait until he was home, tell his mum to put a nappy on him so he could shit in it, then go off and ride his bike and play his playstation. Don't be her.

Oh dear, you seem throughly fed up, I sympathise but a few points-

Lots of children at nursery are still in nappies or pants but having accidents. Seeing the other children use the toilet will likely help your little one.

The other children likely won’t notice, if they do it will be quickly handled by the teachers. If you suspect SEN, the teachers will be far more understanding.

If he does have SEN you will likely get things diagnosed faster if he stays in nursery, they can support you with getting a diagnosis.

No trousers/pants at home will likely make it easier for them. Buy lots of oversized t-shirts, have lots of potty’s all over the house. I think the feeling of going in pants must be similar to using a nappy. Having nothing on confronts them with it, it’s the only thing that worked for us.

Pull ups confuse them, didn’t help us at all. It took us around 6 months, the advice is not to give up, the older they get the harder they might find it, especially if they have SEN.

Good luck!

Good for you ,I toilet trained my severely autistic non verbal son at 10 and, half his special schopl are still in nappies well into their teens
My non autistic child was over 3 and very verbal
The child is 3 years old and not statrtng school for 18 months
FYI,very few children start school in nappies and those that do most have a reason

Try no bottoms indoors when it's warm.

Pull ups when in bed

DEFINITELY children seem to be potty trained far later these days.
I think it's easier the earlier you start.

Also nappies are so 'comfortable' these days.
Even when 'dirty'.

However...all children are different.

I have the dog pictured above, and she will still wee indoors when it's bucketing down outside... and I used to be so sure that I could housetrain any dog FAST. 🙄

Then surely pee and poo will fall to the floor? Not so good unless one has bleachable tiles.

OP, I’m totally with you. My DS wasn’t potty trained until well over three either but once he was ready, he got it immediately - whereas many of his friends, who had been (supposedly) potty trained for months, were still having accidents on a regular basis.

Thank God I never made the mistake of posting here for ‘support’. Jesus Christ.

My DS is nearly two and a half and I’m bracing myself to start potty training soon so I have literally zero advice to offer you. Just wanted to say, you haven’t failed, you aren’t a shit mum and he’ll get there in the end. I definitely think taking a break for a month or so is probably a good idea to regroup slightly before trying again.

Don’t pull him out of preschool. He’ll be fine in pull-ups and I’d speak to the staff to agree a joint plan of how to crack potty training when you start again so he has consistency there and at home.

I really sympathise with your situation, my DS is delayed in everything and I’m very used to having constant meetings with his preschool about things he should be doing by now. My friends with their milestone-hitting kids don’t really understand and it’s very lonely at times. I’ve often felt like pulling my DS out of preschool myself but I’m persevering because they are the key to unlocking extra support and if you suspect your DS may have additional needs, it’s worth keeping him in so nursery can log any “concerns” which will act as evidence to gain support when he goes to school.

The problem with leaving it until he starts school is that the teacher will have to train him or else they will be spending their time changing nappies, and that’s not fair on the teacher (because it’s not their job) or the other kids (because that’s teacher/education time taken away from them).

I doubt if OP is planning to leave it till he starts school. That’s 17 months away- almost half his lifetime! I would recommend OP gives up for at leat a month, perhaps a bit longer because the level of stress experienced really isn’t helping and the DC will be picking up on this. Then try again when everything has calmed down. My first attempt at training was an abject failure so I put DS back in nappies for a month- didn’t even think about it. Tried again and it just worked! Didn’t do anything special at all

I wouldn’t take him out of preschool. If it’s a 3 hour session, one nappy/pull up should last. He won’t be the only one and other children this age really don’t take much notice.

Phone the Eric helpline, they will ask you lots of questions, and tell you if he’s ready or not

The problem with that is they’ll use the potty then but when back in clothes they won’t. I had a friend whose DS wore no bottoms for months- what’s the point of that? There whole life put on hold for this as he obviously had to wear clothes when going out.

Give it a semi break? Use pull ups, regularly take him to the toilet so he’s still exposed to it but don’t make a thing of it or get worked up if he doesn’t go in the toilet.
A more relaxed approached might just eventually work anyway. This seemed to help for more stubborn kids when I worked in nurseries. Took the pressure off for both mum and children.

Have a break until the summer and then try again. My son wasn’t ready for training until 3 and a half and then he cracked it within a week. Straight onto the toilet, skipped the potty stage completely!

OP your son is absolutely, clearly not getting the premise of toilet training so there is 100% no point in continuing to put yourself through this.

I had exactly the same struggles with my son, getting him to even put on pants took a long time, he wouldn't entertain sitting on a potty, bribery of any sort had absolutely no impact. I tried for weeks at a time from around two until around three and I was absolutely tearing my hair out. I know how you feel it's absolute shit.

At 3 1/2 he suddenly decided he was ready and never had an accident again. I wish to god I'd just left it longer and not put myself through all that stress. He was later diagnosed with ASD.

Give yourself a break, you've been trying for months. But please don't take him out of nursery. Take to them about possible SEN (but they probably won't be experts so don't expect too much!) and see if they've noticed anything (my son's wasn't picked up at that age though). But if he does have SEN it's even more important for him to be at nursery so please let him stay. Do what's best for your son.

People saying the OP is lazy should be ashamed of themselves.

There’s a particular type of person which seems to be rife on mumsnet. The type who genuinely enjoys kicking someone when they’re down, and loves to feel superior in general. That’s the type of person you’ve got calling you names op- I know it’s almost impossible, but try to just ignore them- they really are pathetic. Grown up school bullies!

I absolutely get where you’re coming from, we’re awaiting an autism diagnosis for my son (almost
4) and he is just not getting toilet training at all :( He goes to nursery and they’re quite happy to change nappies, and are helping us with training. They’re also helping an older boy, so please don’t let the hand-wringers make you think this situation is really uncommon!

I completely get this frustration. My little girl took ages especially with poos. We went back to pull ups for a break mid way through as I was getting frustrated and it was not helping anything. You know your kids and family best so ignore a lot of the posts on here as they are not helpful. I would.not worry about him being labelled in pre school as it is common.
He is not going to get to 18 and be in nappies. Give your selves a break and try when you feel you are both ready again.
With the poos, once she was dry, I ended up buying cheap packs of knickers and throwing away the ones that were badly soiled. Make life a bit easier for your self, you're doing great x

I'm in the same boat and DS is the same age 3.3. He has 2 older brothers DS1 is now a teen and autistic but was potty trained within a week a few months off his 3rd birthday. No accidents day or night.
DS2 took a while. Had to stop and start a few times due to frustration on both sides and when he started nursery 2.5 they recommended no pull-ups. He wasn't entirely dry in the day until 5 (small wet patches were frequent) and he wasn't dry at night until 7! I later learnt DH was in nappies until very late too so maybe there's something genetic. I never bothered with a potty with either two as we had a toilet upstairs and downstairs at the time but now there's only 1 upstairs so with DS3 I will be buying a potty. He has zero interest in sitting on the toilet before his bath but went through a phase of curiously watching anyone who visited the bathroom. At nursery they aren't really fussed he is in a nappy but have pledged support for when we decide to potty train him.

OP, you sound very stressed so have a short break. I'm going to wait until the summer ☀️ the warmer weather definitely helps and makes washing easier. They can spend time in the garden in just pants so less mess inside. I have new carpets and I know I'll be stressed if he wees everywhere.

You haven't arsed it up by waiting too long. We waited until 3 years 1 month. Due to new sibling, a change at nursery and month long trip, it just wasn't the right timing. He did well at first then somehow regressed, starting having lots of accidents again. We spoke to his nursery and they told us to implement specific toilet breaks so it becomes routine. We did this. Morning after wake up, before snack, after lunch, before snack, after dinner, bed. It worked. He wouldn't always need but he'd sit on anyway and have lots of opportunities and because it became routine, he got used to it. We haven't had issues since then and he is now dry at night too (he's now 3.7 years).
Maybe you could take a month or so break too, I wouldn't worry too much about that, but if you want to push on, maybe try toilet break routines.

I’d take another break. He’s not getting it, you are understandably stressed out and worried about it and that will transmit to DS.

Apart from toilet training is there anything else that you are concerned about ? has he met his milestones along the way? What are sleep and food like? Does he play like other kids around his age, what is his speech and understanding like in general? Some children really struggle with toilet training but if you feel he’s doing ok apart from this, I’d try again in a few months. Any other worries and is push for an assessment. Please don’t feel bad about it despite some of the posts on here.

These days it seems that people leave it longer but I don’t agree with it. All 3 of mine were clean day and night at 18 mths. I know it isn’t usual but that’s what happened

What a waste of time though.

Think about all the happy, non-stressed time the OP could be spending with her little boy.

To sacrifice that to potty-train a few months earlier than he probably would have any way.

What is going to be better for his development?

There is a huge opportunity cost in allowing potty-training to escalate into a nightmare. So much bonding time lost.

‘I know what I’ll do on a nice spring Saturday. I’ll find a MN thread, personally insult the poster and feel so good about myself’ 👍🏻