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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

475 replies

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:29

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP posts:
Gettingonmygoat · 08/03/2024 08:49

Have i got this right, you want to move to a bigger house and have a baby ? If the house will be bigger, why can't your Son stay with you ?

Mnk711 · 08/03/2024 08:50

Tell him, of course it is his business and also imagine if someone sees it posted online or asks him about it? Is there not a for sale sign up?! If I was DS I'd be majorly angry you didn't tell me if I found out you hadn't deemed me worthy of knowing until the sale was a done deal. I'd be annoyed even if I didn't live there, let alone if it's my current home. Would you tell a lodger? Who cares if he has opinions, that's his right and won't stop you selling if you want to.

StringUnravelled · 08/03/2024 08:51

You just plant the seed, he then has time to mentally plan his next steps rather than finding out from a friend or a parent who knows him. Imagine finding out from someone else that your Mum is selling your home. FFS, tell him about the move at the very least.

dottiedodah · 08/03/2024 08:51

You could just say you are getting a valuation at this stage. If he thinks more to it so be it .he is a young adult now!

Zaxi · 08/03/2024 08:52

yourekiddingme · 08/03/2024 00:25

How old is he? Why is he living at home?

23, he's not in a position to move out, nor does he need to.

So if you move, then he is going too?

If this is real, then you're acting like a horrible person. If you're actually considering this then I would say you probably don't want another baby either.

Is your partner pushing this?

Do they like your son?

How long have you been with your partner?

Rightsraptor · 08/03/2024 08:53

Personally I always vacate the property for viewings and I leave the estate agent to do their job. So if this were my sale, everybody would be out somewhere else..

What will you do if he has friends drop by or decides to cook smelly food?

You need to tell him.

potato57 · 08/03/2024 08:53

You're messing your son around, the estate agent around, and you're also messing around the person (and other future people) coming to view your house thinking, you know, that it's for sale.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/03/2024 08:53

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

Well, now it very definitely is his business. You are doing more than just "considering" if you have someone coming round to look at your house. Yes, you might still change your mind but now you are taking practical steps towards a potential move that will affect him in all sorts of ways and he needs to know so he can prepare. Even more so if he "wont like it". Maybe he will want to move out, maybe he will want to move with you. The time for him to start considering his options is now.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/03/2024 09:02

Mumoftwo1312 · 07/03/2024 23:31

I think you need to tell him you've put the house on the market, if he lives there.

Agree with this.

Unless you're planning tome secretly and not tell him you've gone.

You don't need to mention that you are thinking pf another child, but he needs to know that you are moving. Just tell him to make himself scarce while you show this woman round.

Edited for idiocy

museumum · 08/03/2024 09:02

You have to tell him it’s on the market! One of his friends will see it online and tell him. Is there not a sales board going up? It’s his home and much more shocking to sell it in secret.

The baby thing I’d keep quiet about though that isn’t his business at this stage and is reasonable to keep quiet.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 08/03/2024 09:03

You have to tell him. If you do sell, and he still lives there, he will have to sign a form saying he consent to the sale and will vacate - definitely get him on side now. Or help him to move out? I personally think upsizing if you’re not even pregnant if very premature. Also, you all need to go out during the viewing? Always very weird if the seller is there

RoseNy · 08/03/2024 09:04

Will he not notice when the estate agent plants a 'for sale' sign in the garden?

Deathraystare · 08/03/2024 09:05

What a sad way to think about him. As there will be a huge gap between this first child and a proposed baby is he a stepson? Cos that is classic behaviour (sadly), kick out the existing kid to make way for the shiny new baby you made together. Horrible.

He is old enough to to be told his parent(s) except him to fuck off as they want a shiny new toy and home.

Lampslights · 08/03/2024 09:05

Wow what an awful way to treat your own son. What’s wrong with you. It’s none of his business, it’s his home for gods sake. Would you want to be treated like this? And if you’re not sure why the hell have you your home on the market.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 08/03/2024 09:07

If your plans are that uncertain I think you're unreasonable to even put your house on the market TBH. You are potentially wasting everyone's time incl the estate agent and any potential buyers. Totally YABU.
As for the son - you are talking about selling his home form under his feet. Of course he has a right to know. If you know he wont be keen have you thought about the repercussions of going ahead and how that will impact him and your relationship?

TheFancyPoet · 08/03/2024 09:10

Instead of making your plans to him clear and helping move out, you do this behind his back. He is also your son, as well your unborn baby who might even be never born????

Justkeeepswimming · 08/03/2024 09:10

OP you need to treat him as a normal son not semi estranged step son.

”We’re thinking of moving and putting the house on the market, someone is coming to view on Saturday.”

Take his reaction on board. But it’s your home. He’s 23; he can rent with friends if he doesn’t like it.

FarFarAwayB · 08/03/2024 09:11

Your solicitor (when you get to the legalities) will formally write to your son about the sale. As he lives with you, he may well have legal rights.

Obeast · 08/03/2024 09:13

You don't want to tell him because he'll 'have a lot to say'? 🥴 Doesn't mean you have to give him an audience. Just say 'ok' and go about your day.
Did you always have a weird relationship with your child, or just since you got your current man?

Rosscameasdoody · 08/03/2024 09:15

I don’t think it’s wise to keep him in the dark about any plans to move. He’s an adult and he’s resident in the home. As a condition of marketing the house, he will have to sign a document to say that he is willing to move out on completion of the sale, and if this comes as a surprise to him, he could well make things difficult if he refuses to co-operate.

HutontheBeach · 08/03/2024 09:15

Are you with a very new partner?

It sounds as if you are having a mid life crisis.

Why wait to your 40s to have another child?

Only I assume as this man in your life is new.

And, don't waste buyers' time by marketing your house on the assumption you will move if you are pregnant. That' s just bonkers.

If you don't conceive, how long are you going to string buyers along?

And- you seem ignorant of this- viewing as now always accompanied by an agent and the owners go out.

That means all of you not just your son.

You can't fake this! Surely you will be cleaning and tidying for viewings and how to keep that a secret is unclear.

Lampslights · 08/03/2024 09:16

Obeast · 08/03/2024 09:13

You don't want to tell him because he'll 'have a lot to say'? 🥴 Doesn't mean you have to give him an audience. Just say 'ok' and go about your day.
Did you always have a weird relationship with your child, or just since you got your current man?

Yeah I wondered that. How long have you been with your partner and who owns the house.

please tell us this isn’t a case of met a new bloke, fucking your existing child over?

it’s utterly shocking what you’re writing. And shameful you can’t even see it.

HutontheBeach · 08/03/2024 09:19

please tell us this isn’t a case of met a new bloke, fucking your existing child over?

it’s utterly shocking what you’re writing. And shameful you can’t even see it.

It does come over like that.

With a 23 year age gap between her son and any new baby, it begs the question 'why now?

I guess you have 2 beds OP and another child would mean you'd have to move.

Looking at it a different way, why are you thinking of having a child now, when you've had years and years to do that?

Which makes it sound as if this man (is he younger?) is the driving force.

SpongeBobSquarePantaloons · 08/03/2024 09:19

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

You're selling the house that he lives in and you think that's none of his business?! There's a bit of a difference between him not telling you he’s going out with his mates for the evening and you not telling him you are SELLING HIS HOME

SpongeBobSquarePantaloons · 08/03/2024 09:21

JaneAustensHeroine · 08/03/2024 02:06

Why put your house on the market if you’re so unsure? It sounds as though you will only actually sell if you get pregnant so why not get pregnant first and then put your house on the market?

Feeling sorry for the viewers who believe you actually want to sell. Why waste people’s time?

And yes, this!! Bizarre behaviour