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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

475 replies

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:29

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP posts:
Trulyme · 08/03/2024 08:08

TwylaSands · 08/03/2024 07:15

He is 23 not 5! And has a habit of cancelling work shifts.

Edited
Show quote history

You’ve literally just made that up.
No where does it say he has a habit of cancelling work shifts.

It says he’s booked it off work, which everyone is entitled to use their holiday allowance as they wish.

The fact that he’s 23 means he should absolutely be kept in the loop about the house being sold.

Mumoftwo1312 · 08/03/2024 08:09

Is the woman coming on Saturday not an actual prospective buyer viewing, but just an estate agent valuation visit?

That makes op's behaviour slightly less outrageous. Still unreasonable though

blanketsnuggler · 08/03/2024 08:09

So you're wasting this persons time and hopes who is coming to view the house?

Why have you put your house on the active market if you haven't decided to move house? You'll piss the estate agent off as well.
By all means get a valuation, but don't go on the market until you've made a decision.

And talk to your DS.

TheQueenMakersDaughter · 08/03/2024 08:10

I am absolutely baffled at this line of thinking. A house move involves everyone in the house, especially if you're at the stage where you've listed the house and booking viewings! You've signed a contract with the estate agent and your house is online, how serious does it need to get before you tell your son about it?!

HenleyHenley · 08/03/2024 08:10

Babe you hidden the for sale board outside?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/03/2024 08:11

OP won’t come back as she is getting a deserved arse kicking.

He doesn’t tell you he’s going out all the time (though I see he has told you he’s booked a day off, so he does share) so you’re not telling him you are selling his home, have the house on the market already and have a viewing on Saturday and she has to come as you already put her off a week ago?!! FYI-that’s not “considering” moving.

BusyMummy001 · 08/03/2024 08:11

Wow, sorry but I think you’ve been a bit cold. You should have started all of this with an honest conversation with DS about the fact that you were thinking of moving and that this would affect them as the type of place you’re looking to move to/the area where you’re thinking of moving might not have enough room/work for him so perhaps you could help him plan to get a place on his own.

He will need a sizeable deposit and need to start planning for the related monthly expenses (assuming local rents will be considerably more than he contributes to rent/bills now?) so dumping this on him once you’ve got the house up for sale or exchanged contracts is unbelievably shitty. In fact, shitty doesn’t really cover it. I wouldn’t mention the trying for a baby, either, because effectively the narrative is we don’t want you because we want a different (as yet nonexistent) other child. And while you comment that it’s ‘none of his business’ because he is private about his life - he does actually have rights as a resident, so selling can only happen if you’ve evicted him or he agrees.

You don’t day how old he is - if you’re trying for a baby, I am going to assume that he is a teen-early twenties/low wage? If so, a loving parent would want to support and work with him on this. And you don’t sound particularly loving.

So, yeah, if you’ve never had the conversation even lightly about ‘when he moves out’, then I think you are really cold. Ice cold, in fact.

HutontheBeach · 08/03/2024 08:17

He's 23 and you're how old?

If you had him at 18, that means you're 41. or older maybe.

The chance of another baby is quite low. Are you being realistic to have a child with a 23 year age gap from your first?

You sound very cold and it's an odd relationship to have with your own son.

ohtowinthelottery · 08/03/2024 08:17

Well, I hope your DS isn't on Facebook! Estate agents around these parts often feature houses they're selling/renting on local Facebook pages. I can't imagine my adult DS (who lives here) finding out we're retrying to sell the family home by seeing it advertised online.
Just be honest with him. Tell him you're just testing the market to see what happens, but stop selling his home from under him in secret. It's not going to end well when he finds out.

FWIW, my DS often takes random days off work without telling me first. He's an adult, why would he consult me?

HutontheBeach · 08/03/2024 08:19

TBH the biggest issue is the thought of a 23 year old having to adjust to (if it happens) a new baby in the house keeping you all awake at night!

Does he know you are trying to conceive?

MustBeNapTime · 08/03/2024 08:21

Menstrualcycledisplayteam · 08/03/2024 08:05

Also, how old is "adult"? Is he 18 or 26?

She said he was 23.

5YearsLeft · 08/03/2024 08:24

@yourekiddingme , I don’t need to continue the pile on. But you do have to be honest with someone. If you are “not very invested” in moving and you think “a baby very unlikely”, you need to be honest with your partner and not have viewings on your house where people could make you an offer tomorrow. However, if you’d take the money if offered tomorrow, then you need to be honest with your son that the viewings are going ahead, he has no say in the matter, and that you’re telling him so that he can get his room however he wants it (since this sounds like the case). But at the moment it sounds like: you’re leading your partner on, you’re leading your house viewers on, and you’re lying to your son. I’m not judging you, but I am telling you that this is going to end up causing you a tremendous amount of stress and it’s better to just figure out what you really want, and be honest with someone right now.

LlynTegid · 08/03/2024 08:27

I think you are wasting the time of the person coming to view the house, if you are by no means certain to be moving.

saraclara · 08/03/2024 08:30

Let's hope he doesn't walk past the estate agents, and a friend or acquaintance doesn't see the house on Right Move.

I feel for the viewer whose time is being wasted, too.

Thighlengthboots · 08/03/2024 08:30

LlynTegid · 08/03/2024 08:27

I think you are wasting the time of the person coming to view the house, if you are by no means certain to be moving.

I agree. I'd be pretty pissed off if I took an hour to look at someone's house, made an offer, only to be told "oh haha we arent really sure if we're selling!".

Make your damn mind up and stop messing people about. You arent being honest with the viewers or your son.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 08/03/2024 08:33

YABVU

DodoTired · 08/03/2024 08:33

He LIVES here, you don’t expect him to
move out - how is it NOT his business?? He might not have input into the decision itself as he doesn’t own the house. So you’ll just have to ignore his opinion. However keeping it a secret from him is bonkers

Startingagainandagain · 08/03/2024 08:37

This is so bizarre...

He has the right to know that you have put the house on the market so he can get on with making his own plans to move out.

Even if you get an offer this weekend the process will take a few months so it gives him time to sort things out.

'It is none of his business' seriously? he lives in the house too...

There must be a back story to this because frankly you sound like you don't like him much.

I also don't see why you are 'annoyed' by someone having a Saturday off work and spending time in the home he lives in.

''He is my son but not dh. It just wasn't time to tell him yet and now he's going to be home after all. He will have a lot to say about it and we don't know ourselves yet.''

Sounds like you and your DH are trying to start again and build another family and leave your son out of the picture....sad.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 08/03/2024 08:38

So many questions...This whole thread is strange AF
You're keeping a potential house move a secret from your son whose home it is, bang out of order.
You think the move might not happen so basically wasting anyone's time who comes to view, also out of order.
My biggest wonder though is why you've suddenly decided to expand your family at an age where you think it's unlikely you'll actually fall pregnant, is it a new marriage? Don't expect an answer to this obviously, just being nosy 🤣
Anyway, YABVU

gannett · 08/03/2024 08:39

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:55

He is my son but not dh. It just wasn't time to tell him yet and now he's going to be home after all. He will have a lot to say about it and we don't know ourselves yet.

Show quote history

Yes, people do tend to have opinions about whether the house they live in will be imminently sold or not. It's called an adult conversation.

I can't get over the OP saying it's "not his business" whether his house gets sold or not, the bonkersness of that post has made me feel almost light-headed.

NotFastButFurious · 08/03/2024 08:41

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

I wouldn't class putting your house on the market as "only considering it", that's a pretty strong intent to move house IMO!!

MassiveOvaryaction · 08/03/2024 08:46

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

"None of his business" that you're thinking of selling his home from under him? Unbelievable.

girlswillbegirls · 08/03/2024 08:47

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:35

I know he won't want to move, that's why I don't want to tell him in case it doesn't happen anyway, it was just something we wanted to keep to ourselves for now until we knew what we were doing.

OP sorry, this doesn't make any sense. You are putting the house on sale and he lives there.
My own mother was very secretive and would choose to hide information like this from me and I would find from others. Now I'm in my 40s with my own husband and children and have a very superficial relationship with her.

He is your son.

Goldenbrowntexturelikesun · 08/03/2024 08:49

This thread is so sad.

My neighbour did something similar. Remarried and had another child when her ds was 19, moved into the house next to us without consulting her ds. He moved out as he felt so unwelcome.

My bil also did the same but his situation was worse. He remarried (sil had 4 dc, they all moved in too). Our nephew was basically squeezed out of his own home.

Neither neighbour or bil have a good relationship with their son’s.

Flamingogirl08 · 08/03/2024 08:49

Plot to sell adult sons home from underneath him and start a new family with a new partner. Lovely.

YABU