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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

475 replies

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:29

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP posts:
LibbyLemoncake · 08/03/2024 10:56

yourekiddingme · 08/03/2024 10:43

What are his own plans for moving out anyway?

We don't know what his plans are, as I said he doesn't tell us his plans.

You’ve got some weird-arse relationship with your SON.

viques · 08/03/2024 10:58

I can’t get over why someone with an adult son (who hasn’t left home yet) would even be idly contemplating starting all over again with another child. Madness.

LibbyLemoncake · 08/03/2024 10:58

Moonfishstar · 08/03/2024 10:56

It is very strange, which is why I think the OP’s DH is probably driving the house sale… the OP seems very unsure and has even said that ‘deep down’ she doesn’t think they’ll move…. (someone so unsure wouldn’t instruct an estate agent unless pushed to do so)…. and is experiencing major cognitive dissonance and inner turmoil trying to reconcile it all in her head!

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Urgh one of those women who put their men before their kids 😡
I don’t care if he’s grown up he is still your DS and you need to be honest and fair with him.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 08/03/2024 10:58

It sounds like the move would not be too terrible for him, he drives and it isn't so far from the area he knows. He's 23, he'll soon be leaving the nest anyways.

HungryBeagle · 08/03/2024 11:01

Why are you messing around viewers/potential buyers by letting them
come and look when you’re not even sure if you want to sell yet?

blackcherryconserve · 08/03/2024 11:02

Sounds like you don't really want to move OP.

rainbowunicorn · 08/03/2024 11:02

Itslegitimatesalvage · 08/03/2024 09:29

That’s so odd! Did you find out why? Was she not allowed to live in their new house with them so was being made homeless? Or she just didn’t fancy moving?

Imagine being held to ransom by your adult kid like that and messing up a chain or people waiting to move!

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Maybe the sellers in this situation had also been complete arseholes to their adult daughter the way OP is being. Maybe adult daughter thought fuck you to her parents and made it difficult. Good on her if that was the case.

verylongday · 08/03/2024 11:03

Why don't you tell him what you've told us? He can then either move with you or make plans to move elsewhere. That's treating him like a much loved son and adult.

Brefugee · 08/03/2024 11:04

yourekiddingme · 08/03/2024 10:43

What are his own plans for moving out anyway?

We don't know what his plans are, as I said he doesn't tell us his plans.

none of you is a fully functioning adult able to sit down and have a sensible conversation.

It's bizarre.

ohtowinthelottery · 08/03/2024 11:06

Do you never talk to your DS?
"He doesn't discuss his plans with us" - my adult DS lives with us. He is saving up to buy his own house. We know this because we hadva discussion and we agreed he could continue to live here after Uni and then he got a job locally, so renting made no sense. The condition was that he was saving and not squandering money. At 23 you should be having this sort of discussion with your DS. There's a whole heap of difference between him telling you all his every day movements and discussing his long term housing strategy which affects your whole family.

ElaineMBenes · 08/03/2024 11:07

I was just frustrated because ds is suddenly going to be home and I know he doesn't want to move and I don't want him to think we are planning on moving which might make him uneasy and then this doesn't happen because we will happily stay here and forget all about it.

Seriously, just talk to your adult son!!

My 9 year old is capable to understanding this type of situation. It's weird that you're keeping it from him.

MrBojangles1983 · 08/03/2024 11:07

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

You are not just considering though are you… you have actively market the house and you are having viewings- If this lady comes to view and makes an offer what are you going to say ‘oh no we aren’t really selling- we are just considering’

It’s crazy and YABU to not tell him your plans- certainly about the house!

EarthSight · 08/03/2024 11:08

yourekiddingme · 08/03/2024 10:43

What are his own plans for moving out anyway?

We don't know what his plans are, as I said he doesn't tell us his plans.

OP, based on your initial post, I think you're really weird.

It's as if you are talking about a lodger, or a stranger, not your own son. Unless you think he will actively sabotage the viewing, there's no good reason not to tell him something this important, about his own home. It's just bizarre. It comes across like secrecy of lack of communication is the norm in your family and the way you handle relationships. Again - it's as if you're dealing with a stranger. Just sounds dysfunctional.

oakleaffy · 08/03/2024 11:08

Subterfuge is wrong in this instance.

oakleaffy · 08/03/2024 11:10

EarthSight · 08/03/2024 11:08

OP, based on your initial post, I think you're really weird.

It's as if you are talking about a lodger, or a stranger, not your own son. Unless you think he will actively sabotage the viewing, there's no good reason not to tell him something this important, about his own home. It's just bizarre. It comes across like secrecy of lack of communication is the norm in your family and the way you handle relationships. Again - it's as if you're dealing with a stranger. Just sounds dysfunctional.

Edited
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Completely agree-
My immediate thought is OP had met a new man and is keen to procreate with him- Out with the old child- in with the new- as if the adult child is a mere inconvenience.

StaunchMomma · 08/03/2024 11:12

YABVU to not fill your son in on plans ASAP, I think.

You say it might not happen but you're taking viewings - you shouldn't be taking viewings if you're not 100% set on moving. It's not fair to buyers or the Agents paying to advertise your property.

It's also unfair to not give your DS the maximum time to find alternative accommodation AND to lie to him to get him out of the house for a viewing. So long as you are allowing him to live in the property, it IS his business if the house is put up for sale. He's 23. not 13. If he's working, he'll need months to save to be able to afford the bond for a rental, give him that time!

CharSiu · 08/03/2024 11:14

How old are you and what age is your DH plus does he have any children?

DurhamDurham · 08/03/2024 11:19

We don't know what his plans are, as I said he doesn't tell us his plans

Ah well, best just keep it all a secret then Confused when are you going to mention it to him? Moving day?

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 08/03/2024 11:24

Why would your son be making plans about where he lives if he has no idea you are planning to move?

If he has no idea things are going to change, he might not have any plans because he thinks everything is fine as it is.

Obeast · 08/03/2024 11:24

CharSiu · 08/03/2024 11:14

How old are you and what age is your DH plus does he have any children?

OP has replied to the thread. Not that these things matter.

Broodywuz · 08/03/2024 11:28

yourekiddingme · 08/03/2024 10:30

I haven't just met dh, we have been together 13 years and already have a young child together.
I was pregnant with ds at 16 (17) when I had him and dh has been a good step dad to him.

I had to change some details about the house in my op as many posters do because it was too outing and those details seem to have derailed the whole thread, my fault but it's not unusual for details to be changed in situations where it could be outing, but the house isn't technically on the market as such as its not ours, it HA so nobody is being messed around, we have someone coming to view tomorrow with a view to swapping but we haven't seen their house yet and they might not like ours so then it's a non issue which is why ds wouldn't ever need to know and why we arranged it when he wouldn't be here.

We are only toying with the idea of moving because this particular house would give us more space and we could potentially have another baby because the youngest child's bedroom would also be a double but if we don't like it or she doesn't like ours then I doubt we would still be actively looking to move.
I was just frustrated because ds is suddenly going to be home and I know he doesn't want to move and I don't want him to think we are planning on moving which might make him uneasy and then this doesn't happen because we will happily stay here and forget all about it.
We currently live in the centre of town and the move would take us to a village just outside of our town which ds (who does drive) would probably find a nuisance.

Okay this does make a bit more sense then but please don't shut your son out OP. Maybe he doesn't tell you anything because you don't make him feel like he wants to talk to you.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/03/2024 11:42

DS - we're considering moving house and looking for something larger. We've decided to put the house on the market to gauge interest and there is someone coming on Saturday for a look so we will all need to go out for a few hours. Fancy lunch at X? Sorry it's a bit out of the blue, we didn't expect such an immediate response as everyone says the market is dead.

Then actually discuss this with him.

Stuckinthemiddle7890 · 08/03/2024 11:50

yourekiddingme · 08/03/2024 10:43

What are his own plans for moving out anyway?

We don't know what his plans are, as I said he doesn't tell us his plans.

Op I don't mean to be rude but what plans are you exactly expecting him to tell you about that you say he doesn't tell you. What would he need to tell you, what if he has no plans? You're the one planning a move , he's just going to work and trying to have a day off.

benid · 08/03/2024 11:52

Mumoftwo1312 · 07/03/2024 23:39

In most families I know, adult kids have an input on decisions like moving house (and indeed non-adult kids). I think you're being really unfair on him.

If you can afford to upsize, I don't see why he wouldn't be able to see this as a positive if you have a proper conversation about it

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Er what!! Really? I don't know any families where the kids would get a say in this!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 08/03/2024 12:01

@yourekiddingme i think, having read all your responses, you that you need to be more honest. With yourself. With your son.