To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

[yourekiddingme]

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

So what if it makes him a bit uneasy? That’s life. He is 23. My kids are 18 and 21 and could handle this discussion even if they didn’t want to move. Why can’t your son? It’s all hugely disrespectful to him. Are you normally poor at communicating in your family?

PS. Am now going to sort out my affairs as I have a 19yo on PIP who lives at home and realise I know need to make sure her rights in our home are known by us all and protected! To do: book solicitor next week 🤦🏽‍♀️

I had to sign a similar form when my now DH sold the flat he owned and that I lived in with him at the time? In fact I also had to declare I understood I had no claim on the property in any way as part of his purchasing it, so assumed a resident son would be similarly impacted?

@BusyMummy001 You can see then that your position as a friend / girlfriend of your now DH was very different to an adult child.

Best not to give advice based on your circumstances which were not the same at all.

Anyway it's all irrelevant
OP has come back to say she lives in social housing 😂

yourekiddingme · Yesterday 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.”

Why don’t you like your son?

if you want him to behave like an adult, you have to treat him like an adult.
He has choices here, including not moving with you, but he can't asses them unless you tell him.

Very cruel @yourekiddingme it is his home.

This has made me really cross and sorry for your son. My friend is realising she may need to get divorced this year. She is having discussions with her 18 and 24y old kids. They are upset but preparing for the future together. As a decent family would.

Your deception is astonishingly poor parenting.

I don't see how its "outing" to say you want to move house when noone actually knows this in real life apart from you and your DH anyway.

The advice remains the same- be honest with him. Creeping around trying to arrange a secret house swap and being "annoyed" that he took a day off is still ridiculous and weird.

Your poor son. Just tell him ffs.

It’s best that he hears from you than the Internet. While he’s unlikely to be browsing Rightmove, you have no control over the ads fed by the algorithms and it’s not inconceivable that he’ll overhear a conversation with an estate agent or get ads based on his location. His friends could have parents looking to move and ask him about life on your current street.

What are his own plans for moving out anyway?

We don't know what his plans are, as I said he doesn't tell us his plans.

@yourekiddingme - I have read all your posts. Can understand you don't want to tell him about possibly trying for a baby as that is not his business - but you are treating him as if he was a small child.

Unless he is ND, yes YABVVU a) to not to let him know about the woman coming tomorrow and b) Asking him to leave the house tomorrow, especially with no explanation. You can tell him something vague like you quite like the idea of moving more rurally and you don't even know if you want to go ahead, but you're just testing the waters.

Or is your user name a clue to anything 🤔

You’re dishonest and a terrible communicator. Why on earth can’t you tell him you’re considering moving? I guess you don’t put much store on honesty and don’t care if your son sees you as untrustworthy. 🤷‍♀️

You should have involved him in the decision in the first place? Yikes

He has booked leave from work. A perfectly normal thing for anyone to do. I have just booked Monday of next week off because I fancied a long weekend. You make it sound like he has done something wrong.
The fact that he is 23 and not 5 is all the more reason to tell him that his home is being sold .

I would tell him that you have a visitor coming to look at the house and you’re letting him know in case he wanted to plan something else or change his day off. I don’t think it’s a good idea to lie about why the visitor is coming but, if you aren’t ready to tell the truth yet, say the woman is trying to decide what she wants in a house, or is looking for something in the area (if she isn’t already in it).

So your technically not putting house On Market if HA property.. be honest with your son .. whether he tells you his business or not you need to tell him about the house swap,
I’m surprised you cannot see what you’re doing is unfair.
At the end of the day you asked for opinion’s and the consensus is tell him.

This whole thing is so weird. Why are you having people view the house if you don’t think you’re even going to sell it?

why not just take some time to have some conversations as a family, think about what it is you really want regarding the house and then decide?

this is all so strange

Well.. ask him.

He's old enough to liaise with his parents about plans. Is he paying rent?

If he doesn't like it then he can find his own place to rent in the location you're in.

You're pandering to him.

Not really the point of the thread, but the population of high and middle income countries is forecast to nosedive in the coming decades as the average person has far less than the 2 children needed to maintain the population. This will create a catastrophic demographic timebomb with many more pensioners than working adults if not addressed… Having a second child is a “good” thing for society, unless you’re one of those extremists who wants to see humanity go extinct for the sake of the planet!

I'd tell him. My dad did the same to me. My brother told me (who didn't live with us). I actually ended up living with my brother for a bit because I felt unwanted by my dad and his partner

Yeah, your update doesn't make you sound any better.

Of course it's his business! It's his home, too.

Imagine how he's going to feel when someone he knows spots it on Rightmove and asks him where he's moving to...

You're considering selling the house that he lives in and you haven't even told him?!

YABU.

It is very strange, which is why I think the OP’s DH is probably driving the house sale… the OP seems very unsure and has even said that ‘deep down’ she doesn’t think they’ll move…. (someone so unsure wouldn’t instruct an estate agent unless pushed to do so)…. and is experiencing major cognitive dissonance and inner turmoil trying to reconcile it all in her head!