MILs aren't the most important mums on mother's day

[mrlistersgelfbride]

Clickbait title?! 🙈
I'm just wondering if anyone else's MILs makes mothers day all about them?
Ok my MIL had 4 children, but she isn't the only person who has kids!
I'm a mum (to 1) and wanted a nice day with DD, maybe tea of my choice. Nothing major.
It seems like it'll be another day tailored to MIL ie. We have to go to her house and have her favourite type of food, at a time that suits her. If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.
I never see my mum as she knows I'm busy, she's pretty low maintenance and is happy with a card and a text.
I don't have any specific plans but I just think it's selfish and a bit annoying that we all have to rush around to MILs.
AIBU?

Oh I’d love to say that. A couple of years ago we were told not to contact or visit them for a week because they were too upset and angry that DP didn’t get there on the day.

dh asked whether there was anything i wanted on sunday. i asked for a nap. so were going for breakfast with my mum then I'm coming home and going back to bed.

Result! Do it again this year and try for the fortnight!

And MIL's (or OP's mother's) other children? and their OH's mothers? You'll end up needing to hire out a restaurant to accommodate all the mothers within the group.

Once your adult children have moved out, a card and a chat on the phone is great. Yes, it's lovely to see them but they have their own busy lives and families, sometimes blended families, and it all gets tricky. And the most insistent tend to win out.

It's Mother's Day, not a cause for strife. Ring your Mum, tell her you love her, have a nice chat, and that's enough. Send a gift if you like, drop by for a visit if you can. But mostly, tell her you love her.

There's enough aggro in life trying to accomodate everyone's Christmas plans without making Mother's Day into a similar logistical nightmare.

Your MIL might be awful, a drama queen, selfish, a terrible host etc. she might serve you awful food at an inconvenient time, she may make stupid arguements about why you need to see her, but not your own mum, on Mother’s Day, you might have a DH who actually wants to go (it’s his mum after all and maybe he’s used to her cooking), but you are the one obediently trotting off year after year while your own mum gets a text and that’s on you. If you want to be a people pleaser you need to remember that you can’t please all of the people all of the time. Which people do you want to please?

There's a middle ground. Noting wrong with an hour's visit to MIL in the morning then the rest of the day for you. If she tries to control the narrative in terms of food/time just say you have plans in the afternoon. End of.

You're literally saying a Mother becomes less important as soon as they become a Grandparent. I think we all should make time for our Mothers on Mother's Day, not just make it all about ourselves because we are now one too.

It comes across like what you really want for Mother's Day is to keep the kids away from Grandma so you win.

I just don't get all the fuss about Mother's Day in the first place! Can people not see that they're being manipulated and coerced? It's just another form of advertising. Don't fall it!

If you want to go and see MIL, mother or whoever, by all means do. If you want to take flowers, cards, chocolates etc then do. If you want to go out for a nice lunch, then do. But don't feel obliged to do any of those things just because somebody has declared that a particular date is somehow special and you are required to do those things because of it!

Personally, I don't like receiving gifts, visits etc on the "obligatory" dates. If someone wants to go out for lunch or give me a bunch of flowers, I would much prefer that to be on a day that was not my birthday, not Mother's Day and not Christmas.

It’s not that simple ‘just don’t go’ - I get grief from dh if I don’t come along - my dm is dead and our kids are at uni but his family ‘outings’ are never great and dh wants me there to support him!

I wish my MIL could make it 'all about her" - she died unexpedly from a catastrophic brain Injury as a result of an aggressive undiagnosed brain tumour - this is a fortnight after my own mum died after a 16 year battle with cancer.

I'd give anything to hear their voices obe more time.

Be grateful for what you have OP.

You are so lucky to still have your mum, no way would I spend Mothers day at my MIL if my own mum was still here. Treat your mum and take you DD with you, just tell your DH you have plans with your own mum. I'm sure this would make your own DM so happy given you don't normally see her on the day.

So MIL will be upset if your DP and kid don't go to hers... that's okay! She's entitled to her feelings. We all have big emotions sometimes.

Where is your concern about YOUR upset, if you have to spend the day doing something you don't want to do?

I find it a bit odd that seemingly the entire family are all concerned with pussyfooting around MIL, scared to disappoint her. It seems like her own family are this way and somehow it's infected you too.

Now you're a parent you will have to start finding your voice and asserting yourself and your own needs at times, so let this be a good start. DP, I've decided for Mother's Day this year DD and I are doing thing. If you'd like to join us that would be lovely, if not have a nice time.

(which is still pandering imo, I would want my partner with me on mother's day to spend it with our child we made together, but if you really don't care if he's there or not there's your solution)

All mums are important of course.

We'll visit both my mother and MIL for Mother's Day along with our children, they're both crazy about their grandchildren so it will be lovely.

You sound like you don’t bother with your own Mum and resent your other half visiting his.

Just go with your child to see your mum. And your partner goes on his own to his mum.

It's the fairest way as every mother is with their child on Mother's day that way.

Not read the full thread but you need to set a pattern

One year you DH and DD see your mom
Next year you see MIL
Following year both both moms come and see you

Your MIL is unreasonable for expecting it every year

Time to gird your loins and say that doesn't work for me.
She's not my mum she's yours.
It's not grandmothers day.
I've arranged to see my mum, you can take DD to yours or she can come with me. But we will alternate next year. I'm not signing up to spending every mothers day FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE with YOUR mum and OUR children.

This is completely unfair

You losing your MIL doesn't negate the unhealthy dynamics and boundary stomping that others subject their DILs to

Some great advice on this thread - hopefully the op will take time to read it when she has time. Good luck op.

Why doesn't your partner take your Mum into consideration ?

I agree. Can't stand it when people do this. Good for you calling it out.

I say this as someone whose mum is long dead and I would give almost anything to be with her again.

Doesn't stop other people from having valid issues with their mums and MILs! Jesus Christ.

I think people are being pretty unfair to try paint OP as not caring about her mum. Everyone has their own relationship with their parent. Just cos yours might be super close doesn't mean there's something wrong with a relationship that is a bit more distant. I only see my father a few times per year for a few hours, doesn't mean we don't love each other and have a close relationship or that we have a lesser relationship than my DH and MIL who see each other at least once every month.

Stick to your guns OP.

The angst over mother's day is unreal. I don't understand why people get so hung up that all visits must be done on the actual day - more fuss than christmas day!
Surely he can see his mum the day before, on his own etc.
I'm seeing my mum and DH is seeing MIL tomorrow as that's what suits us best and I'm looking forward to chilling out on Sunday as I'm a mum too. Everyone still gets their time together at some point 🤷‍♀️

This drives me mad!!! What is wrong with people?!
Mothers day. The clue is in the word! You should be spending time with your child and your own mothers. Your partners and husbands should be with their own mothers. These needy selfish mums drive me nuts.
Don't go to the MIL. Go for a day out with your child and go see your mum, have coffee or lunch. How is that so hard.

Every year I make arrangements for me and my own mum to spend mothers day together with my kid. I pack off my husband and tell.him to get his mum flowers and take her out....jeez. I hope my kid never gets married, too many needy woman.

When they say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!' Say "Exactly, so I'm going to see MY mum with my daughter, because it's my Mother's day too" even if you're not !

If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'

So AGREE with them. You'll be seeing your mum, your DD will OBVIOUSLY be spending it with her mum. End of.