MILs aren't the most important mums on mother's day

[mrlistersgelfbride]

Clickbait title?! 🙈
I'm just wondering if anyone else's MILs makes mothers day all about them?
Ok my MIL had 4 children, but she isn't the only person who has kids!
I'm a mum (to 1) and wanted a nice day with DD, maybe tea of my choice. Nothing major.
It seems like it'll be another day tailored to MIL ie. We have to go to her house and have her favourite type of food, at a time that suits her. If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.
I never see my mum as she knows I'm busy, she's pretty low maintenance and is happy with a card and a text.
I don't have any specific plans but I just think it's selfish and a bit annoying that we all have to rush around to MILs.
AIBU?

This is why I don't particularly like.Mothers Day. It's commercialised being nice to your Mum.which should be a normal thing and it shoves it into one day and there are too many to please in 24 hours.

I'm.terrible but have spent years taking daffs etc when I visited Mum and MIL and generally trying to be useful more than once a year. They understand my avoidance of commerciality and lack of cards etc.

So the MiL stops being a mother once she becomes a grandmother, but the OP’s mother doesn’t?
And the child only belongs to the mother? Nice.

Didn't say that, did I? The child is the dd of the op, she gets to spend it with her mum. The op, equally, is allowed to spend more than a quarter of the past 12 mother's days with her OWN mother. Her DH can see his mum, he doesn't need to drag her and the grandchild along with him.

Your easy option is neither fair to you nor to your mum. You tell MIL now onwards you want to spend mother's day with you mother and your daughter. And your daughter spend the day with you as you are her mother. Mother day is not MIL day or grandmother day.

No, MIL is mother to her son, who should spend the day with her. Are you a demanding MIL too wanting all the attention on you at the cost of mother of your daughter in law?

Wow this thread has certainly gained some momentum! I'm very grateful for the replies.
Yes I hold my hands up, I'm something of a reserved person who does things for a quiet life.
I know this is a Mumsnet sin but IRL some people and situations are difficult plus old habits die hard. MIL is very difficult, she could fall out with herself in an empty room, she's twice divorced and if I'm honest, her children rally round her. She is a matriarch. It's different for me as I come from a different family background, myself and partners personalities are quite contrasting and truth be told I've never felt I really 'belong' in partners family despite spending vast amounts of time with them. My family as I've said are reserved, we live very independently from each other and are happy to touch base every so often. However, I do think I should see my mum on Mother's Day.
As it stands I'm not pandering to MIL and I've told my partner I'm not having her insist I go when she isn't my mum. I'm still not 100% if I'll be able to see my mum on the day- I hope so. But if not we have penciled in a coffee next week.

I too hate how it's just another commercial thing now and it involves trying to squeeze everyone in...when I was young it was about designing your mum a card and a bunch of daffodils given at church!

Oh trot on, dearie.

What would mil say if you just said mil, in the past 12, years I have spent every Mothering Sunday here with you and have only seen my own mum for 2 short visits. It’s not fair to me and it’s certainly not fair to her. You wouldn’t like it if the tables were turned and you only got to see dh that infrequently on Mothering Sunday.
from here on in, life is too short and I’m not going to miss out on dd and me getting to see my own mum every year, so we are going to spend it with her. And if we enjoy it we might spend some more with her to catch up on the ones we missed out on - we will let you know when we want to come back
or does she not like or when you have reasonable logical discussion points to revise to do what she wants you to?!

Don't say if we enjoy it..... bloody hell. Of course the OP will enjoy seeing her mum and she doesn't owe the MIL an explanation for what she does in her own time.

I kind of agree once the kids are teens and can make a cup of tea and toast and go to the shops to get a card. They are well capable of treating you without your husbands input. Then he can visit his mum.

I expect an acknowledgement of the day - a card, cup of tea, flowers but that’s it really. I am not sure how it became this massive palaver. Distance allowing, it should be entirely possible for you to have your DH or older children make you breakfast, and then you visit your own respective DMs.

Agree! You both have Mums and I'm damn sure as a Mum also my priorities are my own and me! X

Would love to hear how it pans out OP! I think it’s a classic example of family traditions (members) lacking flexibility, and we can all take something from your dilemma and the responses. Good luck!

You’re a mother and it’s your day too. Refuse to go and send DH off to see her - she is his mother, not yours. Put your foot down and don’t go!

Mine hated me so it wasn’t a problem

Some mothers are so spoiled.

She isn't your mother. Please go and see your Mum x

Why not plan to spend the day with your own mother? I’m sure she will be happily surprised.

I'm sorry if I sound like a nark, but if you have a child/ren then it's YOUR MOTHERS DAY ALSO!!! 😠
He can take his child/ren ALONE to his mums for 1 hour, then afterwards you take your child/ren to your mums for an hour - if it's suitable!

Our mornings were always action packed!
My hubby always used to take our DS to see his nanna Po and his great little nan (his mum's mother - in her 90s) in the morning... at great little nans house. That way our DS, could see both his nanna Po and his great nan, whilst I got dressed and ready. 😇
Then I would swing by and grab our DS and go over to see my mum for an hour, whilst my hubby walked the dog. We would either be out for a meal by 2pm, or order food in and always have cake! 😉
It's not for everyone, but it worked for us.
Don't argue with your hubby, tell him point blank how it's going to be. End of.

Don't ask, tell your dh youre doing something different, but he is welcome to go see his mum.. why let mil dictate your mothers day forever more?

My partner and I are super chill if the other doesn't want to see mil, why is your husband pressuring you so much?

Tell him to chill and he can do his thing. You do yours.

Weird power dynamics from mil and dh

Harpies?! Talk about misogynistic!
Funny you didn’t comment about the MIL insisting she has every single year and refuses to ‘share’.

Good for you OP. You need to have boundaries. Assertiveness is important. You will need to model this for DD in case she becomes a people pleaser.

my friend has 5 children and every Mother’s Day her mum and MIL would descend spend the day drinking with DH, whilst she spent hours in the kitchen making Sunday dinner for 9. She absolutely hated it.

In someways it would be easier to have a separate grandmothers day, everyone just sees their own mother, but I don’t think we need more of these days.

Not sure if it’s been said, but can you not alternate? 1 year his mum, then yours and if you feel strongly enough about it, a year for you.

It’s Mother’s Day, YOU are a mother, make plans and take YOUR daughter out, let your hubby visit HIS mother 🫶🏻

I’m sorry to hear this. Dementia is a cruel disease, and I wish her and you the best during this period.