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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs aren't the most important mums on mother's day

298 replies

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:34

Clickbait title?! 🙈
I'm just wondering if anyone else's MILs makes mothers day all about them?
Ok my MIL had 4 children, but she isn't the only person who has kids!
I'm a mum (to 1) and wanted a nice day with DD, maybe tea of my choice. Nothing major.
It seems like it'll be another day tailored to MIL ie. We have to go to her house and have her favourite type of food, at a time that suits her. If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.
I never see my mum as she knows I'm busy, she's pretty low maintenance and is happy with a card and a text.
I don't have any specific plans but I just think it's selfish and a bit annoying that we all have to rush around to MILs.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Waterwoes · 07/03/2024 22:50

Op, maybe you have issues with your mum and she was a bad mum. It happens but if not I think it's time to spoil her maybes she's sat waiting for you to "come back to her" but don't want to pressure you.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 07/03/2024 22:51

DH sees his mum.

You do something nice with your child and possibly your mum.

If MIL complains, tell her it's "Mother's day" and you're spending it as a Mother, with your child just like she is. Don't let it become a problem.

Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:51

Waterwoes · 07/03/2024 22:50

Op, maybe you have issues with your mum and she was a bad mum. It happens but if not I think it's time to spoil her maybes she's sat waiting for you to "come back to her" but don't want to pressure you.

It's not that at all she was a fantastic mum.
We are both quiet types (all my family are) and my partners family are more loud and pushy so we see them more, it's ongoing.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:52

Milkand2sugarsplease · 07/03/2024 22:51

DH sees his mum.

You do something nice with your child and possibly your mum.

If MIL complains, tell her it's "Mother's day" and you're spending it as a Mother, with your child just like she is. Don't let it become a problem.

I totally agree, it does make sense.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 07/03/2024 22:54

Your MIL can only make the day about her if you let her. If you are passive though that may be tricky for you. Personally if you don't want to spend the day with her just say you are going to spend mothers day with your DD as you are a mum and might pop over to see your mum as you never do that usually on mothers day. Make her get used to the fact that she is only mum to your husband not you or DD.

TheHateIsNotGood · 07/03/2024 22:55

What stuck out to me was the idea that "I'll ask" - your DH - is even considered a solution. Just to be bloody-minded, I'd be asking your own Mum - "can me and DD just come an hang out at yours on Mother's Day?". just as a favour as I'm fed up of MIL thinking she's the mother of all creation.

Most Mum's, even the 'low-maintenance' ones,are happy to help out their dc in the face of adversity.

shenandoahvalley · 07/03/2024 22:56

Another MIL who wants to see her son AND her grandchild on Mother’s Day when the DIL doesn’t want that! What’s wrong with these women??! Your DH sees his mum. You see yours. Your DD sees hers. Isn’t that the obvious answer? Everyone sees their mum?

LittleMousewithcloggson · 07/03/2024 22:56

I will be spending Mother’s Day with my DDs and we will visit my
mother
DH will go to visit his mother

its Mother’s Day. Let all the Mother’s spend the day with their own children, if that’s what they want!

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 07/03/2024 22:58

MIL will get upset if partner doesn't take DD to see her.

And you will get upset if partner does take DD to see MIL on Mother's Day. So.. why does your MIL get what she wants here? Especially as it sounds like she has had it her way for a while.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/03/2024 23:00

Maybe they are to their children?

(Personally, think it’s all a load of nonsense anyway but if it makes my elderly mum happy, why not?)

Delphina17 · 07/03/2024 23:03

Have you arranged to go see your mum with your DC? I really hope to see an update that it's all been arranged and it doesn't matter if MIL is annoyed by it!

toomanyleggings · 07/03/2024 23:04

Unless your mum has been shitty to you you’re being a bit crap here. Mums aren’t around forever, a card and a text doesn’t really cut it. At all.

OneMoreTime23 · 07/03/2024 23:07

If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.

I haven’t seen my mother on Mothers Day since I was about 13. Sky is still where it should be.

Just don’t go.

(I don’t know why anyone goes in for this shit anyway.)

TheScenicWay · 07/03/2024 23:13

Time to stop being passive op. Go and spend some time with your lovely mum and make her day.

Gymnopedie · 07/03/2024 23:16

If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.

Well exactly. So why are they insisting that you do something that means you don't get to see yours? OP they've handed your get-out to you on a plate. And of course DD will be with you because she should be with her mum on Mother's Day.

Don't go, and stop being a doormat to keep the peace. You have the right to be your own person, not a bit part in MIL's play.

GrumpyPanda · 07/03/2024 23:19

Unless yours is a strictly 50:50 marriage then Mother's Day should be about your partner compensating you for the hard work you've done through the year. That includes not badgering you into dancing around his mother!

YANBU.

Flossflower · 08/03/2024 00:37

There are a few posts on here about mothers with small children and the husband putting their mother first. I find this quite upsetting. I hope my daughters will be thoroughly spoiled on MD with their husbands helping the kids. I do not expect to see my children or grandchildren on MD.

Nelly44 · 08/03/2024 00:39

Time to make your own traditions 😀

Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2024 00:46

You being a doormat who panders to everyone else has caused this. You are your problem, not your mother-in-law. Stop sleepwalking through your own life and forge your own path. Create your own traditions with your child.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/03/2024 00:47

You think your MIL is selfish? What are you?

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 08/03/2024 00:56

We always go out for MD lunch with my family. MIL (&fil) always invited. As well as my sister’s in laws. It’s near my birthday so double celebration. Up to whoever wants to comes.

When MIL going elsewhere then we pop in first. Father’s Day was always with dhs family as near FIL birthday.

Put your foot down your a mother too!

HollyKnight · 08/03/2024 01:06

You being passive is causing this. Not your MIL who only gets what she wants because she asks for it. The only power she actually has is the power you keep giving her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/03/2024 01:10

HollyKnight · 08/03/2024 01:06

You being passive is causing this. Not your MIL who only gets what she wants because she asks for it. The only power she actually has is the power you keep giving her.

Wise words.

LifeExperience · 08/03/2024 01:14

'I take the easy option not to offend her ...'

You have a you problem, OP. The easy option isn't working for you. Time to speak up or accept the status quo, your choice.

motherofkevinnotperry · 08/03/2024 01:18

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:38

MIL will get upset if partner doesn't take DD to see her.
My mum not doubt will have other plans as she knows I don't get to see her on mother's day. I suppose I could check though.

MIL will just have to get upset then won't she! I'd check with your mum and make plans with her. You choose who you want to spend your day with. Stop this ridiculous controlling behaviour by your MIL and start to put in some boundaries.