MILs aren't the most important mums on mother's day

[mrlistersgelfbride]

Clickbait title?! 🙈
I'm just wondering if anyone else's MILs makes mothers day all about them?
Ok my MIL had 4 children, but she isn't the only person who has kids!
I'm a mum (to 1) and wanted a nice day with DD, maybe tea of my choice. Nothing major.
It seems like it'll be another day tailored to MIL ie. We have to go to her house and have her favourite type of food, at a time that suits her. If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.
I never see my mum as she knows I'm busy, she's pretty low maintenance and is happy with a card and a text.
I don't have any specific plans but I just think it's selfish and a bit annoying that we all have to rush around to MILs.
AIBU?

It always seems to be MIL's with sons who think they are the most important. Mothers day should prioritise those with young children.

I get the sense you're just telling us what you think people may want to hear and then will go back to people pleasing your MIL and DH.

They are unbelievably selfish for making you put MIL first.

DH can go spend the day with his mum, you and your child should spend the day with your mum.

DH can then take DC with him to his parents on Father's Day.

I am just so glad that neither myself, my mother, my late grandmother, nor my MIL are this needy!

Cant believe you never made any effort to see your own mother in all those years . And blaming it all on MIL .! Hope your own daughter don’t do the same to you !

Mil bashing arises because Mils time and time again overstep boundaries and put too much pressure on their sons.

Ops MIL should want her son to spend the day with the mother of his child.

We haven't seen our mums on mothers day for a few years, we usually have our sons football match and then we go out for a meal. The mums gets flowers, chocs card etc and we ring them but that's it. We don't live near them and in the nicest way now we are grown and have our own family they don't do anything for us, in the way of babysitting/childcare etc which is completely fine as it is not feasible and we don't expect it. Our mums know we love them and that's all that matters. I refuse to spend my mothers day driving back and forth between houses usually after a rush morning of getting ready for football. We spend most weekend rushing around and make the most effort with our families so Sunday is a chill day for us to spend some family time and go out for a nice dinner at my fave restaurant.

As I posted earlier that is not my experience or the experience of friends. The DIL always claims her family take precedence for any special days. Since my sons have been with the partners/wives they haven't spent one Christmas Day or Mother's Day with me. There is a real demand from the MIL with the daughter that they get first dibs on anything, I was virtually knocked over at one of my GC Baptism when I went to pick him up when he was crying and parents were sorting food and drinks, her father literally pushed me out of the way so he could get GS.

I've always been top of the list with childcare though, I'm good enough for school pick ups if not Mother's Day.

This! I’m pretty sure your mum would love to spend the day with you you don’t bother to see her? Really? All too soon you’ll be visiting a grave to lay flowers on Mother’s Day I’d give anything to see mine this Sunday

Then don't argue. Tell her what's going to happen, and if she tries to negotiate tell her again, add 'this isn't up for further discussion' and repeat latter phrase as necessary.

You can't alter her behaviour, only your own. There will always be pushback when you do so, but she will get used to it. She won't have any option. You can't argue with silence.

You seriously think mothers of daughters never do that? The fact is it is mainly women on here so a percentage of them will moan about their MIL, there aren't many men on here so we hear far less about how their MIL behaves. I have a SIL and I make sure I don't behave to him the way my sons' MILs behave and consequently we have an excellent relationship.

It happens cause you let it. You're husband takes the easy option. Make it difficult

I don’t have this issue with my MIL who is lovely but my partners step-mum, so not even his actual mum. She has children of her own but as they live a distance away she expects to be visited and fawned over by us.

We’ve already had the text from FIL asking what time we’re going to go over to them. We decided not to visit on the day itself - why ruin our own plans for a woman who causes nothing but grief. When DP replied that he wouldn’t be coming that day, his dad replied ‘are you going to do anything for step-MIL?’

I recommend changing the way Mother’s Day is celebrated in your family now, there’s no reason why you should defer to your MILs plans when you’re a Mum yourself.

Quiet word to your mum - no need to get into specifics about why you're asking - and say you're feeling you'd love a mum get-together after all? And have a nice Sunday lunch with your mum and child together

Even better - not this Sunday when everywhere will be busy, overpriced, poor service and food and full of other peoples' kids and dogs, but go another time!

Yes it is a blessing. The person I have always tried to include is my 90 year old childless aunt who was like a second mother to me. Not being able to have children remains a great sadness to her. She now has advanced dementia and doesn't recognise me anymore.

As to who you spend the special days with, it also depends on whether you have siblings. DH is one of four, so his parents have always had plenty of company with their children and grown up grandchildren. I am an only child, and my parents split up, so my mum has always been on her own. So she did get priority as far as I was concerned. MIL never complained about that. Ever. That said, she didn't live locally to us (neither does my mum) so we never saw her (or my mum) on Mother's Day anyway.

This pandering to spoilt selfish DMIL has to end. Sooner the better. Everyone has told you perfect plan of action. Now you need to put your big girl pants on and vent your irritation and frustration at the person who is causing it. Good luck. You can do it

I never see my mum as she knows I'm busy, she's pretty low maintenance and is happy with a card and a text.

This is where you are going wrong. Your MIL has you in a routine with her. She thinks she is the only one with family, and yours don't exist.

You need to say, "last year we went to MIL's for Mothers Day/ Easter/ Christmas/ BH/ NY and this year it is MY family's turn. That is only fair. There are 2 sides to this family, and mine are not being treated equally".

Then you go see your mum for 10 mins, all day or whatever you want and have a nice time, and then do what YOU want.

My MIL and my DH's siblings try and get us into a routine with them. They don't think of me as a human with a family of my own, which incidentally is 3 times bigger than theirs, and I regularly have to push back on it. I do things with them, with my lot and on our own because my DC and DH and I are also a separate family as far as I am concerned and we too need our own space. I just declined Easter with them as I spent it with them last year, and I'm not spending every special occasion with them. Like yours, everything is about them, and I don't enjoy spending time with them.

We’ve already had the text from FIL asking what time we’re going to go over to them. We decided not to visit on the day itself - why ruin our own plans for a woman who causes nothing but grief. When DP replied that he wouldn’t be coming that day, his dad replied ‘are you going to do anything for step-MIL?’

"No, because she's not my mum."

@mrlistersgelfbride be brave right now, call your mum and see if she fancies seeing you and dd on Sunday. Make a plan first then tell dh that as you spent Mother’s Day with his mum last year, it’s only fair you go to your mum this year and that as it’s Mother’s Day, your daughter will be spending it with her mother.

you won’t “win” an argument as your dh is prioritised a quiet life, so don’t have an argument, just do it and make him tell you why you are not allowed to spend the day with your mum and dd, even though you accept him not coming along too. You won’t get him to agree, so just do it and see how he reacts.

(He will probably panic and call you selfish because he fears upsetting his mum more than fearing upsetting you.)

This.

DH: "You can't not see your mum on mother's day!"
You: "I agree, that's why I'm going to see my mum. And since I'm a mum too, I want DD to come and spend the day with me, her mum. DD can see your mum on Grandparents' Day - first Sunday in October."

Or, if you want to keep the peace a bit more, then suggest some form of annual alternation between his mum and yours. There is no way she can possibly object to that without sounding like a total nutter.

My MIL definitely isn't like this. Though we do very much have our differences and I keep her at arm's length (because she has done some awful things in the past re: safety of my children), mother's day since I became a mum has been about our family. I think this is probably more to do with dh and BIL's relationship with her (somewhat formulaic and distanced) than with me. But mother's day is about our family unit and she's always respected that space. I leave it up to dh and BIL what they choose to do to honour her on that day.

Lots of step mums are well loved and deserve to be considered if it is a family that "does" mother's day. That particular step mum isn't being considered because she is a step mum but because she's a woman "who causes nothing but grief."

And I am sure she really appreciates it, even if she is unable to express that. She will know that you are there. How lovely that you include her in this way.
Last MD was a week before my gran died. She was in the grips of a urine infection that had got to her brain as well as her heart condition. When I gave her her card and present she thought it was her birthday and was asking why we weren't at the beach (her birthday is in summer). It was tragic. But in our family, we always made sure she felt special.
I have to say I am quite scathing of young people demanding attention as I literally hate being fawned over myself - haha was brought up by gran not to be needy. She had 4 kids, a full time job, was a vicar's wife so a busy parish - no time for indulgence!