MILs aren't the most important mums on mother's day

[mrlistersgelfbride]

Clickbait title?! 🙈
I'm just wondering if anyone else's MILs makes mothers day all about them?
Ok my MIL had 4 children, but she isn't the only person who has kids!
I'm a mum (to 1) and wanted a nice day with DD, maybe tea of my choice. Nothing major.
It seems like it'll be another day tailored to MIL ie. We have to go to her house and have her favourite type of food, at a time that suits her. If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.
I never see my mum as she knows I'm busy, she's pretty low maintenance and is happy with a card and a text.
I don't have any specific plans but I just think it's selfish and a bit annoying that we all have to rush around to MILs.
AIBU?

I think there is a generational issue in that when you have a small child you really value days when you just get pampered and can drop the mental load (and a small child needs help to facilitate breakfast in bed etc.), and when you are older and your children have left home, just seeing them is magic.

I think the answer here is you have one Mother’s Day for you and one for your MIL and your mum, but you don’t have to do it all on the same day.

Fathers should be focussed on the mother of their own children on Mothering Sunday.

God your poor mum! 2 short visits in 12years of Mother's Day, thats just awful. Stop being pathetic and blaming your MIL. All you need to do is say you have plans with your own mother. Or you can see both of them you know. We're seeing MIL in the morning and mine in the afternoon. You won't have your mum for ever. I'm sure she is very hurt at the lack of effort, everyone I know makes a fuss of their mum onMothers Day. How would you feel if your own dd didn't bother with you once she got a boyfriend?

Both my mother and mother in law are dead but before this, neither made a fuss, both were quite happy with a card and a token gift. The meaning of the day has become ridiculous.

Agree with this. You are a people pleaser but have no problem treating your mum like shit.
Why on earth would you go and see his mum and not your own on Mother's Day BEFORE you had kids???
Your poor mum.

A great post.

And due to this attitude and approach, your daughters and their partners probably will want to spend time with you on mother’s day (or every weekend even) of their own choice.

Agree. Some people GENUINELY don’t care about Mother’s Day and feel uncomfortable with the guilt/commercial aspect.

I don’t think that is right or wrong, just that people aren’t necessarily being martyrs when they say they don’t care.

My DM is like this. MIL is not.
DMs choice of restaurant. Her choice of time. We shop for her gift. And just with me as it’s a day for mums to have all to themselves. I am not considered at all and just do what DM wants.

I don’t really mind and just give in, I just think it’s funny that no consideration at all is given to me being a mother and what I might like

Put your foot down and go and see your mom. One day she might not be here and the resentment you'll feel for your husband will be immense.

In my family my adult dc see me the day before or day after usually as they themselves are now mothers with young children. I want them to enjoy their days. But they do often quickly pop in to see me.

Everything's an issue on MN! As for the title, I'm sure you're partner feels the same about his MIL.

We’re having all round together for lunch, because both our mothers are the others MIL if you see what I mean.

The true meaning is totally lost, it's just another Hallmark festival.

Ime people pleasers aren't concerned with pleasing people, they are conflict avoiders. So they assess who is likely to kick up the fuss and appease them even if that means chucking someone else, someone less likely to push back, under the bus.

I used to love seeing the groups of teenage boys in town on the Saturday before Mothers' day trying to hide a box of chocolates when they wanted to still look cool!
Does Fathers' Day cause the same angst?

You sound to be far too sensible for this site! Where's the conflict in that?

Good advice.

I'm not keen on mothers day and there are so many emotions around it.

My advice is do the mothers day you and your children want. If your DH wants to see his mum, it's his choice. You get your mothers day to do what you would like to do.

This year I'm celebrating mothers day as I'm very grateful to have 2 wonderful children, having nearly lost one at last year. My mother who usually demands I see her, has been told I'm spending it with my children and celebrating their alive. If the trauma of last year has taught me anything, it's celebrate the good. Go, celebrate your day.

I think you have a choice - to have the argument (discussion) now, clear the air and set expectations for the remainder of your DD’s life (ie. Now we have kids, M’s Day will be at our home, your MIL has 4 kids so DH doesn’t have to send the entire day, or any of the actual day with her at the expense of his own family etc); or let it fester and find yourself resenting it every year for a week or so. I’d go with the former, even if it means that this year DH spends art of the day with MiL but it’s the last big MiL-Day.

My own MiL fully expected the focus to shift to me when we started a family (not that DH ever really bothered with it anyway, admittedly, and it is me who for the last 30 years has arranged her flowers and reminded him to call her… so she loooooooves me! 🤣)

Like you, OP, I just like acknowledgement on the day. A crap card (made or bought), a cheapo ‘love me mam’ mug from Sainsbury’s to replace the one from last year and a bigger hug than usual. Anything else seems performative and insincere. My kids make me feel loved throughout the year (mostly) so a commercialised day shouldn’t be important. I’m with you OP.

This is very true.
Also, I cant imagine my OH ever insisting I go see his mum and not mine on Mother's Day. Sounds controlling to me. I hope OP feels able to put her own needs and wants first for a change.

This type of fetish over Mother’s Day is ridiculous. It should be a day where you make a bit of a fuss over mothers in a way which suits individuals-not a day where you lay down the law and get upset if it’s not done ‘your’ way. My kids make more of a fuss about it than I do and it’s sweet but I honestly wouldn’t care if they completely forgot about it. They’re lovely, we enjoy each others’ company and I see them regularly so what happens or not on a particular day of the year, I can’t get excited about.

This is absolutely right.

It's my first Mother's Day on Sunday and I'm determined that we're not going to be stuck in a rut with it every year.

My in laws actually have a family tradition of MIL cousins all get together with their parents and children every year for Mother's Day and Father's Day, from 12-6pm. And apparently none of the married in men or women ever go to their own families.

Well, not for me. I'm not going this year - ILs coming to see us on the way back. I'll probably spend the morning with my son next year, then send my husband off to the get together whilst I go relax by myself. The year after with my own mum, etc. Year after go on holiday.

It's too small a day to have fixed, fraught traditions over.

My mum's dead now but mother's day was never seen by us as a day to visit her - I just sent a card and flowers. She lived 2 hours away. MIL lived close by us for her last few years but again no big fuss was made. It was wasn't such a big thing when we were younger - nowadays it's promoted like V Day, Easter etc and many people feel absurdly obliged to take part.

Anyway, it is entirely unreasonable for OP's MIL to monopolise her entire family on M Day, akin to insisting the whole family have Christmas with her every year. She must be overbearing indeed for none of her offspring to decline her demands.

The only satisfaction for her is that she can command their attention that day which is abusive. Personally I would never put up with that. Maybe agree to one year on, one year off? Ideally your DH would support you, as your little family should be more important than the one he grew up in.

If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.

Your answer:
"I have a mother too, and she gets neglected every year because we 'have to' see your mum. Well this year she deserves to see me and DD"

(That's if OP ever comes back(

Your husband should be spending the day with you as the mother of his child.

His mum comes second now, he can go round in the morning with flowers and then ask you what you want to do for the day.

Sick of people sticking up for this selfish behaviour of men and their mothers.

Yes I am bitter because I've just ended another relationship with a mother enmeshed man. But this is how it should be.