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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs aren't the most important mums on mother's day

298 replies

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:34

Clickbait title?! 🙈
I'm just wondering if anyone else's MILs makes mothers day all about them?
Ok my MIL had 4 children, but she isn't the only person who has kids!
I'm a mum (to 1) and wanted a nice day with DD, maybe tea of my choice. Nothing major.
It seems like it'll be another day tailored to MIL ie. We have to go to her house and have her favourite type of food, at a time that suits her. If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.
I never see my mum as she knows I'm busy, she's pretty low maintenance and is happy with a card and a text.
I don't have any specific plans but I just think it's selfish and a bit annoying that we all have to rush around to MILs.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 08/03/2024 07:02

In this situation, I'd go to my MILs house directly and tell her:

"You know you are important to us. However now we have a child it is important to me that I do x, y and z on Mothers Day. I would really appreciate your understanding on this because this is how its going to be going forward. Thank you."

And then I would stick to it.

JT69 · 08/03/2024 07:02

Make your Mums day and see her with DD. Us Mums of grown up children are often “ low maintenance “ but inside we d love it if someone made a fuss of us occasionally.

OneMoreTime23 · 08/03/2024 07:03

BrutusMcDogface · 08/03/2024 06:47

Oh, please go and see your mum. Have you really only seen her twice in 12 years?! 😢

I think it’s 2 mothers days in 12 years.

Beezknees · 08/03/2024 07:05

Mother's day is about your own mum, for me personally. I was never bothered about Mother's day when DS was young as he couldn't exactly go to the shop and buy me a card. Thankfully I don't have a DH or MIL.

My DS is 16 now so he gets me a nice card and chocolates usually. I will be going out with my own mum for afternoon tea, that's not DS's thing so I won't make him come along but I'm happy with a card.

Fairyliz · 08/03/2024 07:07

WhateverMate · 07/03/2024 22:43

Is your mum really low maintenance or has she just lowered her expectations and doesn't make a fuss when you don't make an effort?

Yes I’m thinking this too. I bet she doesn’t want to moan or make a fuss but really would love to see you and her granddaughter.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 08/03/2024 07:10

This is nuts. She's your partner's mum so he can spend the day with her. Your DD isn't a performing monkey so doesn't have to be available for your MIL's entertainment. You do whatever you'd like to do with her whilst your partner goes and sees his mum.

PinkyFlamingo · 08/03/2024 07:10

I can't believe you don't see your own Mum on Mother's Day if you are able to, that's not your Mum being "low maintenance" it's you being quite hurtful towards her.

SomePosters · 08/03/2024 07:13

I’m currently caring for a child who will never see his mum again on mothers day or any time.

GO AND SEE YOUR MUM!

And be grateful that you can, you never know when it will be the last time.

RosesAndHellebores · 08/03/2024 07:14

I'm the MIL, obviously not the op's.

I have a houseful this weekend for mothers' day. DS and DIL, DD and BF. They have all invited themselves. Plus DH and I are going to the theatre on Saturday afternoon.

They will all have gone to trouble, in return they will get yummy dinners, bacon sarnies, etc. It will be a very full-on weekend.

A little part of me is thinking "can't they visit their partners' mothers, neither of whom work full-time".

A card and a text would be bloody lovely imo and I could put my feet up.

I love them all very much and would be very chilled absolutely delighted if they had to visit ILs instead.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 08/03/2024 07:15

Come on OP - get a bit angry and find your backbone!

If my DH said 'but you can't not see your mum on mother's day' that would immediately be met with 'well she isn't my bloody mum'. End of.

Start a new tradition where you insist on seeing your own mum for a part of Mother's Day. And don't get bullied into anything else.

hopscotcher · 08/03/2024 07:16

Well you've made her sound very pushy, but is there a possible compromise? Like, have lunch at hers and tea with your DD at yours? Your partner clearly wants to see his mum on MD so I wouldn't try to block that.

Zonder · 08/03/2024 07:18

Mother's day is about the generation with kids at home I think. We still sent cards and small gifts to our mums but mother's day is my day. I til my kids have kids then it will be their day.

PurBal · 08/03/2024 07:21

My MIL is like your mum. My mum is a nightmare. My MIL is actually very unwell and genuinely may not see another Mother’s Day, but it’s my mum who kicks up a stink about “not being around forever”. Just do what you want.

IncompleteSenten · 08/03/2024 07:25

Your poor mum.
It's not a good thing to give in to the person who moans!
You should tell your mil that you decided she is absolutely right that people should see their mum on mother's day and actually you feel really guilty that out of the last 12 years, you've only seen your mum twice on mother's day so from now on you'll be following her advice and spending it with your mum every year.
Then thank her for being so thoughtful and apologise for not realising for so long what she was trying to tell you and say what a wonderful mil she is for being so caring about you seeing your mum on mother's day.

It'll drive her crazy but if you say it in front of people she'll have to play along.😁

Beautiful3 · 08/03/2024 07:26

I would go to your planned thing with your daughter, the drop by hers later for tea. You could take your mum with you?

RedMark · 08/03/2024 07:27

I feel bad for your mum. She probably doesn't expect much cause you never go. Go see your mum with your daughter. Oh can go to his mum's.

FuckityFuckBollocks · 08/03/2024 07:36

OP I totally agree and see Mothers Day more related to mums in the thick of it, with actual children than those who’s children have now grown up.

I love being a mum but I also think it’s important to move on personally and let your children move on with their adult lives. Wanting to be worshipped on Mothers Day is not cool, just extremely self-centred and quite controlling tbh.

SpongeBob2022 · 08/03/2024 07:38

Mums don't stop becoming Mums when their partners have children. Mums in the thick of it with small children likely might feel they deserve to be a priority on Mother's Day.

I think both the above can be true and most rational and reasonable people can find a balance without any drama.

I'm very laid back about it all, as are my Mum and MIL. But if my MIL demanded to see DH with no thoughts of me I'll admit it would probably wind me up in principle. Equally if I tried to engineer it that it was all about me and she didn't matter anymore I imagine she wouldn't be best pleased. I can see how these dramas can happen if one person is slightly that way inclined.

OP in a way you are lucky because in your case it's not just her wanting to see your DH (not unreasonable), it's also the dictated timings and the demand for your DD too. All three things together add up to being really unreasonable IMO so you are completely justified in doing your own thing and she hasn't really got a leg to stand on.

Zyq · 08/03/2024 07:38

If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.

So you say "Exactly, I can't not see my mum on Mothers' Day, and DD can't not see her mum on Mothers' Day, so she's coming with me."

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 08/03/2024 07:38

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:52

I totally agree, it does make sense.

Show quote history

Perfect! And yes, I really do think that you should be starting your own tradition with your DC.

establishing this now may also benefit you when your child is grown up / may have a child themselves.

Or do you want to be the “no fuss” mother that won’t get to see her child on Mother’s Day? Because that’s the behaviour you are currently modelling…

good luck! And stay strong 💪

Deathraystare · 08/03/2024 07:39

I feel sad for your mum. You won't have her forever and neither will your DD. Go to see her or invite her round but please see her. She will be pleased.

I wish my own mum was still here. Not in a position to have a MIL (ain't I lucky!!) but would not be dictated to.

Incidentally, what happens at Christmas. Do you ever visit your mum then??

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 08/03/2024 07:39

Don't be me OP, my MIL use to insist on certain things and I use to go along with it for a quiet life. I'm now in my 60's, MIL died 19 years ago and I am still resentful when I think of her and wish I had spoken out more. I mainly kept quiet then for dh's sake as I didn't think it fair for him to be caught between us, now I keep quiet because we are not suppose to speak ill of the dead.
In 30 years time would you rather think back to the Mother's Day's you spent celebrating with your Mum and LO or feeling resentful that you missed out.

mrsbyers · 08/03/2024 07:39

I wouldn’t go , tell DH he is welcome to go alone / with the kids

PinkIcedCream · 08/03/2024 07:42

You do realise your mum would love to see you but she doesn’t want to put pressure on you because she loves you? Your mum has accepted playing second fiddle to save you added stress.

Maybe it’s time to put your foot down and start divvying up visits more fairly, inc. not having to visit anyone if you don’t want to? You matter too!

Well, that’s how it is for me when it comes to important dates. MIL goes all mardy if they don’t go to hers. Every single Christmas for the past 16 yrs, they go to hers on Xmas day and FIL’s on Boxing Day (because they’re divorced). MIL has remarried so she’s not on her own. They go to MIL for every grandchild’s birthday too. She puts huge pressure on my DIL inc. tears.

When we had a significant birthday in our family and took all the DC and DGC for a meal to celebrate, MIL invited herself along too! I was absolutely livid but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction and pretended it was all fine. DIL is lovely but easily manipulated by her mum.

PinkShore · 08/03/2024 07:43

TeaKitten · 07/03/2024 22:36

I don’t see the need for the issue. Your partner can go see his mum on Mother’s Day, and you can go see your mum with your child. You don’t have to do everything as a 3!

Disagree.

Did MIL spend her Mothering Sunday’s when she had young children going to see her in-laws? I doubt it.

OP is the mother and her husband should put her plans/desires first. Of course it’s still nice to send a card or drop by quickly with flowers to the grandmas, but overall MIL had her turn.

Maybe it’s just me - but I never went to grandparents houses every Mothering Sunday as a child.