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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs aren't the most important mums on mother's day

298 replies

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:34

Clickbait title?! 🙈
I'm just wondering if anyone else's MILs makes mothers day all about them?
Ok my MIL had 4 children, but she isn't the only person who has kids!
I'm a mum (to 1) and wanted a nice day with DD, maybe tea of my choice. Nothing major.
It seems like it'll be another day tailored to MIL ie. We have to go to her house and have her favourite type of food, at a time that suits her. If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'.
I never see my mum as she knows I'm busy, she's pretty low maintenance and is happy with a card and a text.
I don't have any specific plans but I just think it's selfish and a bit annoying that we all have to rush around to MILs.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 08/03/2024 01:41

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/03/2024 00:47

You think your MIL is selfish? What are you?

I take it you chose your username ironically?

WandaWonder · 08/03/2024 01:46

Just say no, practice in front of the mirror if you need too

ProfessionalBuilding · 08/03/2024 02:05

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/03/2024 00:47

You think your MIL is selfish? What are you?

Are you on the wind up or just not reading the OP’s posts (again?)

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 08/03/2024 02:09

Tell your partner you’d like to go for lunch the 3 of you for your Mothers Day. Suggest he could pop to MIL’s with DD in the morning while you get ready but he needs to be back by 12pm.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/03/2024 04:04

I would go and see your own mum as wish had my mum as would cherish her. Let him go see his own mum and enjoy the day with your mum and daughter instead of having to fuss around your mil. If she says anything just say you want to see your own mum.

ohdamnitjanet · 08/03/2024 04:37

WhateverMate · 07/03/2024 22:43

Is your mum really low maintenance or has she just lowered her expectations and doesn't make a fuss when you don't make an effort?

That’s what I thought. To never want to see your mum or make a small effort on Mother’s Day is a bit off tbh. And sod mil!

PrincessOfPreschool · 08/03/2024 05:21

OP, you've had years (12!) ignoring your own, nice mum to pander to MILs demands. How would you feel if that were your DD in the future? You need to make it up to her big time, starting from now.

MIL will kick off - prepare to sit it out and ignore. Dh should be supportive but if he isn't just be a rock and don't move. You been over accommodating to the detriment of yourself and your own family. It needs to stop. You can be a quiet person who is firm, you don't need to be a walkover just because you're not loud. Stand up to this woman, for your mum's sake and your DDs (don't teach her to to be a walkover too).

There are times when it's OK to accommodate and be considerate but not when it's hurtful to those close to you.

Lavenderflower · 08/03/2024 05:27

I think most people would prioritise their mum on mothers day. Also prioritise having a special day for yourself.

Noicant · 08/03/2024 05:39

Maybe you need to explain slowly to your Dh what mothers day is. Everyone sees their own mother. Your DD with her mum you with your mum him with his mum. It’s pretty simple, honestly I would have said no first time, the problem is you let this slide the first time and it sets expectations and then you look like the difficult one for not doing something which should never have been expected of you.

AllTheNaps · 08/03/2024 05:58

What about you OP? DH should be making you a priority on Mother's Day as the mother of his child.

I agree with what a PP said about her only being as important as you make her.

Why not start alternating mothers days so it's fair?

I'm probably quite fortunate that my DH makes Mother's Day all about me but my mum passed away a long time ago and my DH has a fraught relationship with MIL so yes it's much easier but you should also put yourself and your mum first sometimes too - stand up for yourself

SignoraVolpe · 08/03/2024 06:19

My mil loudly proclaimed one year that cards and gifts were a waste of money on Mother’s Day . As we handed her the card and gift.
I don’t know if she regretted it but she never got a card or gift again whilst my mum still did.
Dh’s dsis, much younger, always made a fuss of her dm on Mother’s Day, I’m sure she thought dh was thoughtless but she didn’t know the back story.

waterlellon · 08/03/2024 06:23

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:38

MIL will get upset if partner doesn't take DD to see her.
My mum not doubt will have other plans as she knows I don't get to see her on mother's day. I suppose I could check though.

Tough. Does he not take DD at other times of the year?

waterlellon · 08/03/2024 06:25

I think you both need to say look you've had 12 years now it's my mums turn!

Alternate it.

Your DH can go by himself

5YearsLeft · 08/03/2024 06:25

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:51

It's not that at all she was a fantastic mum.
We are both quiet types (all my family are) and my partners family are more loud and pushy so we see them more, it's ongoing.

Show quote history

Oh, OP. I’m not going to pile on you. But this is heartbreaking. It sounds like you have a wonderful family and your DD would benefit from knowing them. It sounds like they don’t want to cause problems in your life, but… maybe it’s time that you stand up for them. Your DD has two grandmothers and it’s a shame that she may end up knowing your MIL better (and learning more from her!!!) just because MIL pushes to get her way. You can be quiet and still be strong about what you want. You don’t have to be passive. And it sounds like this is a great opportunity to put your mum first, and let her know what a fantastic mum she’s been.

beAsensible1 · 08/03/2024 06:25

But maybe MIL has decided to be high maintenance because being low maintenance gets you a card and no visit.

you don’t have to go, she’s not the police, your DH can see his mum on his own and you could see yours.

Asher09 · 08/03/2024 06:28

YANBU
Be careful, your title will attract a lot of bitter MILs lol.

I agree with a lot of the other posters. OP you need to put your foot down and be a bit selfish in this matter. MIL is the mother to your DH not you or your DD. MD is for all mums - you and yours included.

DH spends the day with her and you spend the day with your DD doing what you like.

I think DH needs to start respecting and prioritising your plans - make it clear that MD is for you and the kids and FD is for him and the kids.

Goodluck! Hope you get the MD you want x

Covetthee · 08/03/2024 06:38

OP you need to stand up for yourself.

he has his own family now and should be prioritising them.

either suggest he goes in the morning for a couple of hours to see his mum and maybe even take your daughter so that MIL can’t moan and you can have a little rest and then all go out together to celebrate you

Or go see your mum for the day with your daughter and be can fuck off to his mums
for the day if he wishes to be with her instead of the mother of HIS child. Also i actually feel sorry for your mum ( so i really hope you choose this option), in 12 years you have only spent the day with her twice!? Im sure you wouldn’t like that when your DD is older, she might not mention but all mothers would like to see their child, even if its just a couple of hours

or even suggest a lunch with both mums? Either out (possibly short notice now) or get some bits and host at yours or something

you just need to take a stand once and you will nip this in the bud. MIL has 3 other kids to see

Soontobe60 · 08/03/2024 06:40

Usually in my family I meet with my DDs at one of their homes on Mother’s Day. Sometimes my SIL comes with his DM, sometimes he just goes to her house by himself.
Why not invite your DM and MIL to your home this year?

devildeepbluesea · 08/03/2024 06:41

Ex-MIL is very like this, she likes to think of herself as the matriarch. To the extent that she wants DD to go with ex-DH to a Mothers Day lunch every year 🤣 Ex-DH and I are good friends and I still get on ok with her, but I’ve always put my foot down on that one. However I’ve said DD can go this year perhaps because the rugby is on at that time

SunshineYay · 08/03/2024 06:42

It seems like it'll be another day tailored to MIL ie. We have to go to her house and have her favourite type of food, at a time that suits her. If I protest MIL or partner say 'But you can't not see your mum on mother's day!'

You're not 'allowed' to see your mum? Mil isn't your mum or your child's mum. Make plans with your mum and take your child with you. You need to stand up for yourself. Say no!

CaramelMac · 08/03/2024 06:46

Sometimes people like your MIL need to be upset so they can learn they’re not in charge, your DH should be doing something nice for you as you’re the mother of his child, and spending Mother’s Day with your MIL is not something I’d consider ‘nice’.

BrutusMcDogface · 08/03/2024 06:47

Oh, please go and see your mum. Have you really only seen her twice in 12 years?! 😢

Powderblue1 · 08/03/2024 06:52

mrlistersgelfbride · 07/03/2024 22:38

MIL will get upset if partner doesn't take DD to see her.
My mum not doubt will have other plans as she knows I don't get to see her on mother's day. I suppose I could check though.

But if you do go then you'll be upset. So why not make a difficult choice and save your own feelings this year and for many years to come?

Mydietstartstomorrow · 08/03/2024 06:53

I am genuinely stunned by the amount of people on mn that believe they have the right to spend their Mother’s Day with their child but don’t feel their own mother has the same right!! “Oh it’s ok as she knows I’m busy and is happy with a card AND A TEXT!!?? WTAF! Not even a phone call!! This is the person that gave you life and brought you up (probably). I would not dream of not seeing my mum on Mother’s Day and when we go out for lunch with her my kid comes too! She’s very elderly and I won’t have that many mother’s days with her. And no, she hasn’t been the greatest mother of all time but she’s my mum and I wouldn’t put my needs over hers in order to make myself feel special

Cas112 · 08/03/2024 07:00

Why don't you go see your mum

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