To think DH should have come straight home today?

[rainbowsunsgold]

DH was working away Tuesday and yesterday and today would have been home for half five but he’s gone to give his mum a Mother’s Day present. Normally it wouldn’t have been a problem but we have an ill and very clingy baby and I feel like he should have come straight back to help. AIBU? (She’s away Sunday.)

Yes he bloody well should have OP. Honestly the number of posters on here who seem to think that MIL's take priority over the wife/partner and mother of the children is astonishing.
Can't be doing with all this Mothers day shite especially when your darling children have their own families. If you're a good mother you should be appreciated every day of the year not just have some thoughtless card and flowers flung at you on some random Sunday.

I hope your dh is nothing but supportive about that. If not you tell him one more word and you will fuck off for a few days and see how well he gets on with no sleep and no support from a Dh who doesn’t help at nights and when he could go home instead goes to his mums.

When a baby is unwell, it can be next level stress and exhaustion for everyone. So I get that feeling of annoyance you were/are feeling. You want him to tag him in and help. I'm not saying you are unreasonable or not. I think you are just feeling the effects of looking after a clingy unwell baby.

I had a job where I worked away from home a lot. Despite what a lot of people seem to think, it's not fun, it's tiring, wears you down, and you feel pretty jaded and crap when you do get 'home'.
In my case it involved long hours, seldom any days off, and cheap digs, which makes it worse. But even when the hours are reasonable and the digs are nice, it still gets you down not being in your own place, not sleeping in your own bed, and usually not being able to cook your own choice of food. Eating out every night isn't much fun when you have to do it every night and you have to eat cheaply.
Just sayin'.

Oh blimey.

If it makes you feel better - this incredible single parent pretty much crushed the side of the car against a concrete post in a car park.
Go out and do something my Mum said 😂.
My eldest is a father now. I'm not expecting anything from him as he should be putting his time and effort into granddaughters mum.
I hope he does!
One year I got a card saying 'To My Lovely Step Mum' with step crossed out 🤣🤣.

My teenage daughter on the other hand goes all in bless her.

Have you got some peace and quiet now? Hope so.

Assume Dh is home now as almost 9pm

How old is baby and if was that worried should have called 111 and got off thread

YANBU! It comes down to the fact the children should be his first priority, followed by you, especially when children or you are unwell! It’s not what he was doing instead of being at home, it’s that he’s not got to see his children before bed for the 3rd/4th night in a row. I’d be devastated if id been away from my DC for a couple of nights and didn’t make it home before bedtime!
I’d be exactly the same if my DH did this.

YABU
You are probably wiped out and exhausted counting down for him to walk through the door to finally relieve you.
But he is popping to see his mum to give her a mother's day gift as he won't see her on actual mothers day.

Tbh fair play to him I think she raised him well and he obviously loves her. She gets him for an hour or two...suck it up. He will be home you can sleep and all will be forgiven by morning. I bet he treats you wonderfully on Sunday too.

I'm not sure why you're getting so much judgement...3 days alone with a poorly baby is really hard, albeit variable depending on the baby and the illness. And you then said you have another child so sounds really tough. He's not necessarily being totally unreasonable to go (depends on the exact circumstances and options), but you're not at all unreasonable.

All the people saying you're a parent so get on with it...what is he then??? I sniff a bit of double standards here personally. Even if you're on mat leave or sahm, it's a 24/7 job especially with illness and multiple children. I hope you have cut yourself some slack and sacked off any non life threatening jobs.

Full disclosure: am on mat leave with a sick baby right now and husband gets baby the minute he walks in the door because I am DONE with the fussing and crying all day - he's not a sleepy cuddly baby he's unhappy at EVERYTHING (and up frequently in the night with it too). I then use the evening to cook dinner and do a load of housework that is impossible to get done with the baby around. It's not a one person job. It can be done, but it's not easy when any nap time is used cleaning food off the floor, wiping up sick, washing up and preparing the next meal that is going to also get dropped all over (8 month old here).

rainbowsunsgold · Today 19:37

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · Today 19:36

The children have no clean clothes, but you have been on this thread for 3 hours so you could have gathered up the dirty clothes, put on the washing machine - a wash would be completed by now, and hung it up or put it in the tumble drier, even with a baby in your arms.
So why the dismay that the children have no clean clothes.

Well yes I could if I hadn’t had the baby.

you obiv missed my 2nd last line...' even with a baby in your arms.'

as you have managed to reply on this post for 4 hours + with a baby in your arms

We are on day 4 of a sick toddler so I am in the YANBU camp. Absolutely exhausted, thanks to 3 nights very broken sleep, the house is a state as they want to be held all day, I am so behind on work I don't even know where to begin trying to catch up. One thing that has lifted little ones moods is dada coming home.

If I was in your position, DH would come home as his DM would understand. She's been in this position and knows how hard it is. She wouldn't mind a belated present.

OP I think everyone who has said YABU doesn’t currently have a baby and has forgotten how exhausting and awful it is when they are poorly. YANBU. Hang in there!

I agree OP I think he should have come home so you could have some time to yourself. If his mum is going to be away on Sunday then surely he could drop around next week. I don't think it's the worst offence but certainly not very understanding of how difficult it is to be at home with small babies particularly when one is sick.

OP, solidarity.
I'd be fucking furious if my DP did this.

How do you think single parents manage? YABU

You sound deeply unpleasant and very irritating. Your 7 month old won't have a clue they haven't seen their dad in 2 days. He's been at work working to provide for you all and it's a few hrs.

So much drama from other posters . Ask him to get up with baby in the night tonight. Just ask. Ask him to put a wash on. Bring in a takeaway etc. You're now coming across as a martyr with all the it's easier to do it myself stuff. Yes that might be true but you can't them complain. It's his mum for heavens sake.

For context I am a single mum of 4 , I work permanent nights and all four of my children plus me have had flue over the past 3 WEEKS!! Not competition but perspective for goodness sake

Have you been working and also trying to look after a sick child? It’s not quite clear if you have been juggling both working and caring?

also you say you expected he would be home at 8 which is pretty early after a day at work so I don’t get the problem?!

re your dp, if that’s your attitude re how he should behave to his mother just remember that when your babies are grown up that you should expect them to treat you as you are expecting your dp to treat his mother.

This.

You are being very unreasonable. I don’t really see this as ever being about ‘a he sick child taking precedent.’ The sick child has the sniffles and has you there to look after them. Dad being home won’t make a difference to anyone other than you really, which is what this is really about. You want a break from dealing with the sick child.

Try and put in to perspective that he has been away on a work trip, not on a lads holiday. I’m also gathering that you haven’t been working while caring for the child, and that has been your sole focus.

He is also not dodging coming home to go to the pub. He’s going to visit his mother to give her a gift, with this being his only chance to do so before Mother’s Day. You might not see the value in Mother’s Day, but I’m sure a quick visit from her son with a gift will make her week/month/year depending on how often she gets to see him.

He has done the right thing, you’re tired and want a break, have him take childcare duties through the night, and you’ll wake up tomorrow feeling very silly that you caused a fuss about this.

I understand OP - it doesn’t feel like a big deal for him to be a bit later than expected but when you just want to share the load, it probably feels frustrating. Don’t worry about the snide posts - hope your baby feels better soon.

I think your husband should have come home immediately. It is not the end of the world if his mum had to wait for a mothers day card and he should have explained that your baby is ill and you have been coping with them single handed for the last three days.

Seriously though it sounds like he needs to be more hands on anyway. We had a small age gap between our two children - 18 months and my husband worked long hours but I did sometimes suspect he stayed out later supposedly for work than he needed too when they were small. He wasn't hands on at all and I was a SAHM as childcare for 2 was too expensive. I decided to get a Saturday job to get me out of the house and earn some money. My husband did not work Saturdays and initially was not happy as it ate into his relaxing time and time spent with each other which was normally me doing everything anyway. After a few weeks of him looking after the children single handed on a Saturday he was much more understanding of why I wanted him home from work earlier. He was much more hands on after that. Maybe your DH needs a spell of single handedly coping with two young children on his own too to appreciate how difficult it is.

What the hell!! You need to book threee nights away as soon as you feel able to leave baby.

That is wild to me and I breastfed both of my kids. My partner was still on hand for night waking, even if it was to support me. As soon as I could leave baby I’ve been on nights away for hen dos etc. never begrudged.

I think the reaction to him seeing his mum is quite rightly a reflection of his cumulative shitness. Not that you resent him seeing his mum at all which some PPs seem to take umbrage at.

Hi, OP. I hope DH is back now?

I think this is a good opportunity to change certain things in your relationship so you can feel more supported going forward. If you are the SAHP then, unfortunately, some men see that role as something which never enters into their sphere. Let's face it, you're not gonna rock up to his work and help with Admin are you? Silly example, I know, but a family is just that, and if after 3 kids he's still a bit useless it won't improve unless you actively work at trying to improve things.

Good luck with baby tonight!

I think he should have come home op.

What is it with all these posts telling mums to suck it up when apparently it's so important that other adults are considered?

And yes single parents have it hard but it's not a race to the bottom. We should expect higher standards from men in general and dads in particular. And yet on the divorce threads all the posters are out saying crap like 'they're his kids too' and 'who says he doesn't love them the same as you'. It's pretty clear there's a big difference between mums and dads. I've never known a mum who after working away would go and see their own family and therefore miss out on seeing their kids for the third night running - esp if one of them was sick!

why couldn't your H see his mum on one of the nights he was staying away if where he was working was close to them?

YANBU!!! Shocked by all the people on here.

‘But YoU CaN LoOk AfTeR ThE SiCk KiD AnD HiS BeInG a GoOd SoN.’ 🤪

Being alone with children for days (especially with a sick one) is absolutely mentally draining. The fact he has been away working and then thinks it’s reasonable to be gone an extra 4+ hours (even if it’s to see his mum) would make me RAGEY.

Sometimes, I count down the minutes till DP is home so I can sit in the garden and stare at the bastard sky without worrying they’re going to kill themselves unsupervised!

People saying YABU either don’t have kids or have forgotten what it’s like when they’re young/sick.

How lovely for him to be able to have a choice on what to do when he finishes work! OP probably doesn’t have a choice about when she goes for a piss!