That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

Also what are the ages of the children involved? If ex is working reduced hours to provide childcare but their partner is working full time off the back of that, how are they contributing?

it’s far too complex for the therapist to comment and you are not responsible for your ex’s self esteem. What would happen if you withdrew from the therapy?

Stop being so bloody generous! He’s a grabby git and the therapist is deluded. He needs to adult up. His self esteem is absolutely not your responsibility and it isn’t your problem either. This shit would be laughed out of court.

They are only there for 2 out of 14 days, the NRP is basically not having to spend money on raising their own child for the majority of time and also not paying CM. Do they want to be paid for the only 2 days they are looking after their own kid. CF, definitely CF.

It's all down to choices. NRP chose to have another child. NRP is vague about their work hours. Why is it up to you to boost their 'self esteem?'

I’d be so tempted to put in a child maintenance claim for this kind of nonsense. Make them have a good hard think about how lucky they are they aren’t being asked to significantly contribute to raising their own kid.

Choosing to have another child when they cannot afford to do activities with their existing children appears irresponsible, unless something changed in their household. I would not give anything unless you fully understand what is going on.

Would you provide money or buy the tickets?

Neither. I would take them swimming and to the cinema myself.

children go to other parent 2 nights every 14

They do not need to be doing anything special every day. Like any parent, there will be days when it's park and a picnic, or tv and hot chocolate. Simple things that don't cost.

Why is your ex's self esteem your problem? Why would you giving them money fix that? Surely earning for and providing for yourself and your own children would boost self esteem, not getting a hand out.

Don't give them any money, as long as the children are fed and warm.

And @Notcms has given tickets and booked things and been told ‘no thanks”

they don’t want the swimming/cinema etc, they want cash to spend on themselves

don’t be so naive to fall for this bs

Firstly, what sort of "therapist" says that? Financial arrangements are none of their business and I am stunned that they'd think it's appropriate to comment. I don't think you have to pay anything. They can get a better job surely? I think you're being asked to subsidise their lifestyle. Frankly, he's a CF, he doesn't pay a penny in maintenance! Absolute madness!

So would I! Cheeky bastard!

Well said. If they don’t go out and do something AMAZING 2 days in a fortnight it’s nothing to do with the rp. My ds would have been delighted to just see his father once in a blue moon, he didn’t want expensive ( or dirt cheap ) entertainment.

No advice,but it reminded me off the time my ex didn't pay any CM,yet went to court, and asked for me to pay the bus fare so he could pick said child up.Funnily enough,that was laughed out of court 😂

They only go there 2 days in 14. It's hardly any time at all. You aren't making him pay maintenance so u are already being generous in that sense.

I wouldn't provide money absolutely not. I think the offer and bookings u have made in the past has been very kind and the most I wld be willing to do too. Especially if he has a partner plus another child and doesn't always work full time.

They get to do nice things with mum frequently so this isn't a case of the kids never get to go out anywhere and do anything.

If there is issues with providing food and heating the house then I wld reconsider. I wldnt want my kids to be cold and hungry but doesn't sound like that's the case.

You don't have to give them anything, clearly.

I would say it's purely a matter between you and your children. Do you think they feel like they are suffering for not going swimming/to the cinema etc.?

When I was a kid, weekends at my dad's house were mostly spent in a pokey, damp flat, with the occasional trip into town to pay bills, but I didn't mind, we always had a fun time just hanging out with our dad. I always did loads of reading, writing, drawing and practising my musical instrument on weekends with my dad, and I was perfectly happy.

However, if you think it would do them good to go to the cinema, then I'd pay it. You're doing it for your kids, not the NRP. And if you do choose to pay, I'd give the NRP the cash, not buy the tickets, as I can see how that would be annoying. What if they've already made other plans, or the time just doesn't suit them?

That's absolutely ridiculous. And really unprofessional of the therapist.

You've done enough and gone beyond what you should do by buying tickets for them all. Maybe they need to be reminded of the saying 'Don't look a gifthorse in the mouth' when they are complaining about their self-esteem to the therapist. They sound selfish and stupid. You don't need to chuck money into a bottomless pit.

Bloody cheek.

The problem here though is that the NRP wants cash ‘for their self esteem’ - this doesn’t sound like they are thinking of the kids

this is a manipulation which is why the therapist is the wrong route to address this.

Are people assuming the OP is female and NRP male?

This^^

I’ve had friends and family whose ex’s have told them to go on benefits if they’re struggling to pay as the RP, ex’s who always underpaid on CM and would respond with ‘so sue me’ when the RP (mum) pointed this out and also know of many cases in my social circle where the ex DHs hid marital assets during divorce. So I’m with you on never seeing this ‘equalising’ even mentioned by any professional involved in those instances. The advice was rather ‘get a job’.

This therapist is a CF unless the kids are starving and living in a freezing house for their two days. But if it has to do the ex’s ‘ego’, it’d be a swift no from me. There are many fun activities that you can do for free. Why isn’t he doing those?

We don’t know what sex either the op or ex is but it doesn’t make a difference does it?

No.
Tbh I'm assuming the op is male.

It doesn't change the situation either way.

Same.

And NRP is a CF.

So when you bought food and paid for activities on their weekend you were told you were controlling. You can't win with an arsehole like that.

I'd put a claim in for CMS just to remind the NRP exactly how generous you have been.

It does on MN. Women are always saints and men are always wrong.

Shall I use my invisibility for good or for evil 🤔🤔