That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

Well obviously a nrp should contribute fairly to the upbringing/costs of their child.

Clearly, that's totally different to when a nrp only works part time, only has the children 2 days a fortnight and doesn't pay cms.

Try to answer Qs.

Post divorce - fair financial settlement was made and both parties happy.

NRP has gone on to another relationship and has a new child.

No idea how many hours they work - but part-full time is what the children are told, and the phone isn't generally answered in working hours.

The professional involved is a family therapist advised by carcass post court case for children.

NRP has met individually several times with the therapist, and in our first joint meeting I was told that I should financially provide for the children while in NRP care.

The children have food, heating etc but NRP is unable to 'do nice things like cinema, swimming etc'

I should say everything for the children is paid for by me, no requests are made to the NRP for school stuff or extracurricular activities.

I genuinely can't decide if this is CF, or if IABU.

Is the other parent claiming the Child Benefit? I am resident parent but when my income increased above the threshold, I agreed he could claim the CB - it's for our child so one of us may as well claim it. By agreement he doesn't pay any maintenance, she sees him several times a week so it pays towards food etc. He's not on mw and works full time but his money management is atrocious - one of the many reasons I divorced him.

Well, no, surely all they have to provide is a warm enough home and some food for two days? They have their own clothes and you take them on holiday. What more do they want?

For the sake of the children I'd be willing to take a closer look at why this is being suggested.

• Is the NRP home too cold?
• Do the children have suitable sleeping space and bedding?
• Do the children have access to suitable amounts and types of food?

As a parent I'd do whatever was reasonably within my power to support ensuring my children are in an environment that meets their basic needs when they're not with me.

But I wouldn't be drawn into a tit for tat arrangement. It's OK for children to experience different things in different settings. Apart from anything else, it will teach the children a valuable lesson about being accountable for themselves and their own comfort in the future rather than expecting things to magically transform because of someone else.

Sounds like CF then.

I suspect they want to use the money on both children.

I would say no.

Why can't he work full time out of interest?

I was in a similar situation my stance was NRP had made their choices and had to live with how those choices influenced their relationship withDC. Saying that DC love a at .trip to the park, a walk etc so all free things.
With therapist I would say the finances were settled in the divorce taking into account where the children spent their time. You have no legal or moral obligation to continue to assist your Ex particularly in view of the fact that you have forgone the CM that your Ex is legal obliged to

Not claiming CMS is already supporting them financially. They are effectively being given the CMS amount each month.

Also, who gets the child benefit (if entitled)?

Lol no. He can take them to the beach/park/ any of the things other people with no cash do with their kids. I wish I could afford to take my kids swimming all the time!

There isn't anything here to suggest NRP is definitely a 'he' I don't think....

But you ARE supporting them financially.

You haven't asked for child maintenance, you haven't asked for a contribution towards uniform and clothes etc... so the amount not requested is extra money that they then have to spend on the kids and do fun things with them.

If they are going to be pedantic about this, then ask for £20 a week child maintenance then offer them £40 on their fortnightly weekend to take the kids to do something nice.

It's exactly the same amount of money but some people can't see beyond the end of their nose.

No hence all the theying. But I suspect it's a man. It's fairly unusual for women to be the lower earning NRP.

No, you are already subsidising her (or him) by not claiming the child support you are entitled to.

I'd be pointing that out for a start. Tell them to use what they should be paying you to do those things. 🤷.

No - I earn $100k+ and my exH earns maybe a quarter of that. My DD is here 24 out of 30 nights a month and I cover all kiddy sickness, holidays etc I pay for all uniform, trips, clubs, hair cuts, everything. If I ask exH to take DD to get something (I once asked him to take her to buy school shoes) I send the money to cover the item. I don't pay my exH any maintenance. I send clothes to my exHs and provide DDs toiletries as she wants some specific and expensive stuff. He takes her for the odd pizza or a day out on his EOW, buys her a Xmas present and a birthday present and takes her to his mums for 1 week in the summer. He would do nothing different if I showered him with $$$$$$$$$.

Edited to add: I wouldn't dream of asking him for child support.

Maybe the therapist can chip in if they’re so concerned. Ridiculous.

I just thought the same. I bet if the OP turns out to be a bloke the responses will turn on a sixpence.

Thank you ip for the detail. Yanbu and the therapist wants to relinquish their qualification. No way should a licensed therapist be advising on financial aspects nor really giving any personal opinions. That's not their role.

You'd be ridiculous to pay any heed to this nonsense

Is NRP hoping that the extra cash will also pay for the 'new' child too?

''The children have food, heating etc but NRP is unable to 'do nice things like cinema, swimming etc' ''

Tough titty. (non legal term)

They can take them to the park. The kids will have nice warm clothes YOU have paid for and they'll be fine.

It's 2 days out of 14 and not your problem if NRP can't find a way once every two weeks to do something with a couple of kids!

Out of interest i was picturing OP as a man actually.

My reaction would be the same which ever way, or for same sex couples.

I don't think so. As they were married the NRP would have had their financial settlement as part of the divorce, so asking for money beyond that is unreasonable when you're the NRP, whether you're male or female.

No you don't have to fund your ex. You could claim maintenance but you are not.

i’m not sure. I’m the resident parent, and this has never been my situation, but if the poverty of my ex meant he could never do nice things with the kids? I suspect I would have given him £100 a month for that. It’s not fair on the kids, is it? Just like it’s not fair on the kids never to be able to do nice things with the impoverished resident parent when the NRP is swimming in it.

I’m not saying you’re unreasonable, that just how I think I feel about it.