That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

Bollocks to this, the NRP can do free fun activities with the kids, or save up from their full time job to take the kids to the cinema once a month. Therapist is talking rubbish

@Notcms , what form should this support take?

Do you buy a bed if there isn’t one?
Do you send them with cinema tickets and snacks? A pre-cooked dinner etc
Or is the therapist suggesting you send this person money?

All sounds a bit dubious to me. If you have them for 12/14, I cannot see any reason for this.

Since you are already paying for all the school things and not claiming maintenance, I would point out you are subsidising the ex.

Make a CMS claim and then pay that money back to NRP...or buy the kids annual passes to something they can do with NRP.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It might be different if NRP couldn't work for health reasons and couldn't feed the kids when in their care etc. You'd want to make sure they're looked after.

But really, the CM you're not claiming should still be used on the kids by the NRP.

How insane! I would claim the CMS and then pay for a cinema and swimming trip per weekend out of it. I bet they still magically manage to find money for heating and food too.

Money is fungible. If you did give him some there's nothing stopping him from just paying his regular bills with it.

Why are you with CAFCASS? How did that come about? Why has there been individual appointments for him but not you? It’s definitely unreasonable for you to be paying for him to have fun time with your kids. You are not financially responsible for someone who you have divorced. Your finances are nothing to do with CAFCASS as they are child related not finance.

Cafcass told my dc exh was great because he handed over a box of sweets.. They would have hugged Fred West for that.

They also admitted their entire case report was 'facts' they got from exh..
Surprisingly he lost his case...

I have been a child in this situation. It wasn’t much fun.

The nrp does not pay cm, and has gone on to have another dc in a subsequent relationship. Finances agreed at divorce, I assume fairly as both parties happy, and also assuming nrp took a fair chunk despite not having the dc due to lower earning capacity?

How has he managed to support new dc (and could he of he was actually paying cms to op?)

Nrp is getting away with not paying maintenance AND working likely less than pt. Assuming kids have everything they NEED as well as little luxuries when with op this doesn't need replicating when with nrp.

Professionals can bog off. Life is shit sometimes, the dc are only 'suffering' 2 days a fortnight. Nrp is a cf.

Are the kids enjoying their time with your ex or are they actually sat around in the ex’s home unable to go anywhere, especially in bad weather?

If the kids’ experience at your ex’s was poor due to a lack of resources and you have enough money that an extra, say, £30 a week wouldn’t make much difference to you, I might be inclined to do it but possibly insist on receipts if i thought the ex was possibly not going to spend the money on the kids (this is sort of nasty in some ways, but at the same time, the ex does not seem to be pulling their weight).

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like it’s fair. That you think your ex has chosen to go on to have another child when they can’t even fund the ones they currently have adequately and that now they’re trying to cadge more money off you. But it’s still your kids lives. If they are spending 2 days in 14 in a really boring way that is a waste of their time, while that won’t kill them, it’s not necessarily ideal for them either. So if I had the money spare, I’d consider funding activities.

I would check out the therapist's credentials and professional body. I think it would be appropriate to raise a formal complaint against the therapist through their professional body, but you would have to consider the wisdom of doing this just at the moment. Did the therapist make this recommendation to you directly in a joint session? It's all kinds of wrong.

That seems most odd that Cafcass is telling you that you should be providing financially for the children when they are with their mum/dad (I’m not sure which from your use of pronouns) despite them being with you most of the time.

I would be tempted to ignore it, however, is their advice going to have an impact on anything? Court decisions? Finance arrangements?

This “professional” sounds off their rockers!
no you do not need to fund your ex to go to cinema etc. you are providing for your children more than fairly and that’s enough. He’s welcome to do fun activities at zero cost like picnic in park, scavenger hunt etc. this isn’t your problem! Under no circumstances should you be handing over money with this set up!!! If he’s unable to care for them, he has to claim benefits or get another job or whatever

I would stick with the original court agreement. Your kids get to see him 52 days out of 365. Nope. If you gave him money as per recommendations there is nothing stopping him from spending it on his new partner and kid. This therapist is working well outside their box and probably needs reporting.

4 nights a month is nit impacting the kids lifestyle at all. I'm sure you don't do activities with them every other day of the month.

The CMS you aren't claiming should be enough to be covering the heat/food/water use and adequate beds etc for them for 4 nights a month.

Thanks all.

I'm questioning myself because we worked previously with the therapist and I really rated them. It's clear NRP has done enough whispers in the ear to get them to think children have an unfair life experience when with NRP.

During the court case cafcass were appointed by the court. As there was food bank involvement at the time I dropped off food....and was called controlling.
I have booked & paid for swimming, theatre etc and when tickets handed over been told no thanks.

Therapist says it's a matter of NRP self esteem and needing to have some say. I feel like it 'beggers cannot be choosers' knowing they were all activities the kids would like - and yes I always buy extra tickets for new child & partner too.

So activities were available - and I pay for the usual soccer clubs for Saturday etc.that we both take the children to on our weekend.

Our finances were shared 50/50 despite the differences in what we brought into the marriage pot, and that I am the RP.

They are your DC. You should do what you think is best for them. Personally, if my children couldn't go to the cinema or do anything fun with their other parent and I could easily afford to pay for them to do so I would.

Would you provide money or buy the tickets?

I'm so conflicted

I wouldn’t do anything based on the therapist saying you should. Given you don’t know the financial situation of your ex it is unreasonable to expect you to give them money - especially as they don’t pay cms.

if your ex can’t make weekends with the kids fun without money then there are more issues there as it’s not unusual. It to have a paid for activity at weekends.

the question really is whether a court would consider that you need to pay more to your ex.

I would give the money provided it didn't negatively affect the lifestyle I could afford to give the children for the other 12 days too much.

Therapist says it's a matter of NRP self esteem

Oh aye. Interesting how the (vast majority) of single parents who are women, with higher earning ex-husbands, never seem to have this sort of thing come up.

Of course I don't know who OP is or who the ex is, but I've read enough threads on here to know it's not something that ever comes up!

when I was a single mum and couldn’t afford the ice skating/ theatre trips ex did I made free or very low cost days out fun.
Could you buy a swimming season ticket? Cinema pass? Junior National Trust membership? I’d be tempted to send a food parcel with the children every fortnight but then I’m a bitch.

Op you don't need to pay anymore. You have the children the majority of the time anyway. If you continue to be overly reasonably then your ex will take advantage and it's clear from what you say that they are already trying to do so. Your ex has another child now, an unusual decision if you can't afford to do "fun" things with the children you already have. There is nothing to stop your partner working more hours if they feel they don't have enough money. It shouldn't be your responsibility.

I would want my children to have a good time and decent standard of living when with their other parent, and if necessary would pay to make sure the home was warm enough, they had decent quality food and perhaps an activity. Also that the home was adequately furnished with beds, bedding, sonewhere to sit and basic standards of comfort. Whether I paid by giving the other parent money or by directly supplying food, tickets or other items would depend on whether I trusted the other parent to use it as intended. If they were an alcoholic or drug user for example, I'd buy items. In most other cases I'd give cash but would be subtly checking in with the DC that they had been given what they needed whilst there.