That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

It might make a difference to some posters but not all. I can see how the thread could derail though

we are only hearing one side but regardless, this isn’t the therapists job and if the nrp has financial need this surely should go through mediation/lawyers

How old are your children? Could you ensure THEY have some cash if they are old enough to organise swimming etc.

Aren’t you clever. Yes absolutely assuming that. Though not unheard of for the DF to be RP, it’s not common.

Hands up, I’ll admit it’s very biased of me and not outside the realms of possibility for a DF RP ex to be the one who bought cinema tickets for the kids, for the ex, ex’s new partner and ex’s new child, but yes I would be surprised. Happy to be surprised in fact as I’ve never witnessed this in RL.

If I was you and I was going to do anything, I would buy the tickets, I wouldn’t be handing over money. Especially when you should actually be claiming child maintenance from them!

Or OP and NRP could both be female.

I have booked & paid for swimming, theatre etc and when tickets handed over been told no thanks.

I wouldn’t just turn up at someone’s house with tickets for a particular show performance or have paid for swimming for that day, no. They might already have plans, might not want to swim that day or even want see that particular show.

But I think this person is talking bollocks and it’s not up to you to pay for your ex wife/husband’s household to do nice things. If they want to do nice things, they need to pay for them themselves.

This

True.

There is clearly a discrepancy, but the NRP has made the choice to have additional children which has presumably had an impact on how much they have to spend on their pre-existing child. It is not up to you to fund their life decisions.

It would be lovely if the children could have the same experiences while with the parent who has them for all of 4 days every month, however since that parent is not paying to put food in their childrens mouths, clothes on their backs, shoes on their feet, etc etc for the time they are not with that parent, they are ALREADY being heavily subsidised by YOU and I cannot see a reason to do it even more. You have already allowed them to save money by not paying for all of those things, so my question would be: where is that money and why isn't it automatically being allocated to doing nice things for the 4 days the NRP has the children? You have ALREADY PAID as far as I can see and the NRP is apparently failing to recognice this. It all sounds a bit manipulative.

Can't your kids go 2 days a fortnight without going swimming or to the cinema? Must they always be doing something that costs money?

The therapist shouldn't be saying this and as long as the kids are safe, fed and watered for those 2 days then that's all that's needed.
Plenty of activities that don't cost money can be planned by the NRP and the new partner that involves all 3 kids!

I wouldn't pay anything.

Neither!

It’s like this parent sees their child as a guest that they need to entertain and that you need to facilitate that.

Don’t get into this dynamic. Once you start, the requests will get bigger and you’ll find yourself paying for their holidays.

The tickets have been offered via email prior to the day of contact. Normally no answer so on the day of contact it's a no thanks....and i already paid for them in the hope the kids would get to go.
No skin off my nose, and I never tell the kids so they don't know what they are missing.

Therapist says it's a matter of NRP self esteem and needing to have some say. I feel like it 'beggers cannot be choosers' knowing they were all activities the kids would like - and yes I always buy extra tickets for new child & partner too.

So this parent chose their pride over doing activities with their child? I bet any money you hand over will NOT be spent on your child.

Don’t fall for the manipulation.

Nope! Plenty of time to take on an extra job. I would not be funding their weekends! It’s only 4 days a month! Your children’s “lifestyle” is not going to be affected that much. Plenty of children don’t go to the cinema or swimming with their parents it doesn’t hurt them.

Does the therapist know you don't claim cms?

I think it's beyond belief that they would advise you to continue to fund a nrp.

How does the therapist even know details of your income? You're the rp... you don't owe ex anything. Including details of your income.

Just goes to show how 'professional' some professionals are...

Has the professional ever explained why the first remedy should not be the NRP working more regularly so that they can afford these things for themselves? If the issue is the NRP's self-respect, surely that's infinitely better than taking handouts from. you?

im guessing the nrp can’t work more because they are looking after their other child. Which isn’t the ops problem

do your kids have a nice time when they go to NRP? Do they complain about not having money to do things etc?

I would help if they were complaining

It’s not really a matter of asking opinions on this. Put the details into the CMS calculator and see what it comes up with.

Yeah - you can tell the therapist to pull the other one as it has bells on!! Your exes self esteem is not your problem. The kids are your problem and you have made generous well intention offers to allow the kids to do fun things with their dad and he turned them down (because his ego!) so you are no longer required to do more. The judge didn't order you to pay spousal maintenance so you are not required to cough up anything. Your ex gets a good deal as he doesn't pay any parenting expenses (uniform, trips, clubs) or maintenance.

I have paid for specific activities for my exH and DD to do together (e.g. a trip to a London show when they went there for the weekend). I ask him if he would like me to get them tickets for X as DD really fancies going and he says yes (or occasionally no). If you start giving him 100quid a month or something that creates a precedent and you'll just end up feeling grumpy when he doesn't do any fun things with them anyway and just pockets the cash

Yes is ex PT because of new baby or is their partner who has the baby?
Because if they are just PT then they need to work more obviously.

Honestly they sound upset in the difference in circumstances but that’s not your problem to solve. You aren’t claiming CS. If you aren’t getting child benefit you could let them, it would only be for a second child for them though? But plenty to do something for the small amount of time they are there?
How old is DC as the younger they are there are plenty of cheaper things to do. Are they only seeing them 2 days in 14 as that seems very little unless there is a good reason (like distance) not to do tea once a week.

Tell the therapist you have and the nrp didn't reply

Tell the therapist to pay then! What a cf.

Same I’ve assumed male but my view would be the same either way. If you only see your kid 2 out of 14 days and don’t pay CM then why the hell would the rp have to pay you for extras.

How old are the children? I would probably give them spending money to take with them because I would like them to have a good time while they are away, but I would not give cash money directly to the ex.