That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

Im wondering why OP is being vague about genders.

Read the OP from the perspective of this being a financially abusive high earning man who has left their ex-wife with very little earning potential, screwed her over financially AND taken her children from her by making her look unable to provide a stable life for the children. Now he’s continuing the controlling behaviour by refusing financial help that he is easily able to give but instead dictating exactly what they should eat and do on the weekends she has her children.

Whether it is a man or a woman my advice is the same. Think of what is best for the children. And that is impossible to tell when we are only hearing one side of the story.
Maybe the other parent is being picky when they reject tickets. Maybe OP is only buying tickets for things they think the children should go to even though they hate those things. Maybe the other parent does not have the money to get transport to the attraction OP has bought tickets for.
It is impossible to know.

And if the op is a woman? Would you also decide they are controlling and financially abusive or would their ex be the one at fault?

I’m just wondering why be deliberately vague about genders on a woman’s forum? To gain sympathy. I think the ex is a woman, the OP may or may not be a man.

Hell no, not a chance should you be paying them. They can get off their arse and work more. Lazy person attempting to sponge. This makes me so mad!

I'd be tempted to file a CMS claim if the ex tried to push this. The kids could have that as their spending money when they go there.

So he wants you to pay for things for kids but decline when you offer it 🤔 how do you know that he would even spend it on the kids?
I'd claim the cms to see what he's actually earning.. could be a pity me party. You could take it off and give him it back each month and tell these "professionals" that you take what you're "entitled" to in order to support the children but give it back to him as a contribution. Unreliable

@Notcms I don't think you are obliged to provide anything for them whilst they are not in your care.
I don't think it is cf, since the ncp has not requested anything. If they have all they physically and emotionally need at ncp, then 2 days from 14 with no extra activities won't hurt them. Unless you want your children to have an occasional treat whilst not with you, then no don't pay.

Do they just want some extra money and have decided they could get it from you using the children as an excuse. If they have tickets for things sent to them and they say no thanks, but are happy to take money so make their own plans, would they actually do anything with the kids? I’m guessing they won’t want to ask you for money to do a certain activity that week so are expecting a regular payment maybe?

Personally I wouldn’t do it. It sounds like you pay for enough. Activities with the kids don’t need to cost anything and if they really wanted to be able to do some good things with the kids, they could have accepted your tickets.

I’d stop seeing this therapist tbh.

I don’t know if it’s a man or woman but I’m sensing a hint of misogyny here. If the roles were reversed this would not have been said. How often do women with custody of the kids have to practically beg for the minimum. I’m actually quite angry that a ‘professional’ is encouraging this. His self-esteem isn’t your responsibility but I suspect it would improve massively if he got a proper job.

I think the therapist is confused about what being separated means. It means that you are just that, separated, & no longer have responsibility for your ex partner

OP is it possible that Ex’s wife resents money spent on your DC and nags Ex about it? She may be complaining about the larger amount spent on groceries once a fortnight etc.
There might also be jealousy because they can’t afford the same standard of living for their own DC rather than the fact that your DC’s standard may be lower — after all it would be scarcely noticeable over a mere 2 days in a different environment.
Seems Ex wants to be compensated for his life choices and to keep his wife happy rather than to be worried about your children’s welfare.

I do pay for these things (theatre, soft play, theme park, swimming) etc when NRP has my son because they plead poverty and I want my son to have these activities and it also gives me a break of going.

Yes, it's not ideal but if you have the money it would be a nice gesture for your children if you could book some activities for the NRP to take them on.

NRP is an absolute pisstaker.

Not contributing to the cost of raising her children or doing 90% of the care but expecting you to give her cash in hand to take them swimming once or twice a month! It’s absolutely disgraceful she had another child without making sure she could provide for and parent the ones she already had.

I assume there are MH issues with one or both of the DC and that is why a therapist is involved? If the child is happy with the therapist and if changing therapist would negatively affect them, I suggest you have no further joint sessions with your ex. Keep separate sessions and at your next one, tell the therapist very clearly that you will not tolerate them encouraging your ex to use you as an ATM and will enter into no further discussion about it.

You owe her nothing but she owes you a lot!

You’ve got to be a man as can’t imagine a woman being guilt tripped like this by a therapist!

I bet you’re paying for this therapist too!

no way. If they can't afford to do the nice things they believe their kids need to experience then why did they have another kid?

Sorry but no way should you send cash, Surely if they can’t afford to look after the children they shouldn’t have had another ? Or can just do free days out, play cards etc.
It’s a joke that they have DC 4 days a month and expect you to pay them!!
why do you need to continue seeing this professional?!… your separated, they’ve remarried, had another child.. that’s it..

I think you should say to this therapist that perhaps they need to find your ex another therapist who can genuinely help them with their self esteem or whatever it is without demanding money off you, since you pay for everything in your childrens lives and they do not go without. You could also say that perhaps they can gently nudge your ex to an understanding that if they clearly lie about their activities etc, that you don’t know if they work full time or not and they reject things you offer then make demands m that maybe they can be helped to understand you can’t trust them.

therapist sounds shit, and possibly unprofessional too.

Some therapists are absolutely awful. The whole profession needs an overhaul and more regulation. Therapists shouldn’t be telling their clients to hand over their money.

That ridiculous. You pay for everything 12 days out of 14. If they didn't have food I'd send them with some but that would be it.

I grew up in a family of six with very little money. My dad worked in a low paid job and my mam was ill so there were times we went without stuff but during school holidays and weekends we always had fun.

They took us to places that were free and we took our own food. We went to the beach, parks and forests, river walks, museums and brought our own picnic. We even camped in the back garden a few times.

Two chances that I would be subsidising his life choices.

I actually think it's a really good message to send your children that hard work often means nicer things generally. It's definitely a better message than find a rich partner and make them pay even when we're not together anymore .

🤣all this.

This has to be the most ridiculous thing on this thread.

The Op is subsidising the NRP. Because Op has the kids most of the time, pays for their clothes, extras, school things, food, heating etc when they are with them. AND doesn’t claim CMS. The NRP is paying practically nothing towards their children. Apart from some food costs for 4 days out of the month.

You really believe a parent who is shouldering the vast majority of costs for the children, should have to pay the NRP, because that parent has made decisions that have lowered their own standard of living?

what if the NRP decided to give up work? What if the NRP doesn’t have as nice a house for the kids to stay in? Should the resident bare the cost of that as well?

So what if you can’t take it with you? What does that have to do with anything? Who says Op thinks they can take it with them? Of course Op can’t. But what they can do is secure their own children financial future. Secure their own. Enjoy the money they earn while they are here. Eventually, if a very high earner, make sure their grandkids have savings. Leave enough to make a huge difference in their kids and grandkids lives.

it’s not going to war with someone to refuse to further subside them, their new partner and new child. If the NRP really cared about the life they can give the kids, they wouldn’t make decisions that negatively impact their financial situation. Such as having more children. The responsibility to change the situation lays with the NRP. Not the person who is already shouldering 99% of the cost of their children already.

You might be right Op is a man. But I don’t think it’s because a woman wouldn’t be guilt tripped by a therapist.

I have been on the receiving end of a therapist who blamed me for emotional and financial abuse I suffered towards the end of my marriage. Told me I caused it. By having a job. Me having a job was a perfectly valid reason for him tracking, following me, kicking off if I was 5 mins late home, locking me the house, demanding to see my bank statements and make me justify and produce receipts for every transaction and so on.

I never cheated. Never even came close. But he had her convinced his abuse wasn’t abuse, it was a reaction to me lying and hiding things that caused him to act the way he did. Except I didn’t lie and didn’t hide anything. Even when being told that, she still tried to tell me that to make the marriage work I had to work harder to meet his needs.

The kids even got to an age where they stopped seeing him because they got fed up of him telling them how awful I was (I never did the same about him) and how I had ruined his life.

NRP has gone on to have another child whilst not being able to provide for joint children. CF I'd say. Let the court decide.

I think the previous use of a food bank might count as evidence of lacking food, warmth, bedding, etc. on the two days a fortnight they are with the NRP.