That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

It's not clear how many hours they work. Never been truthful about it.

Well this is ridiculous. Of course YANBU. They obviously had enough money to have another child. The children can go swimming when with you. They can go to a park or a woodland walk when with the other parent. Plenty of free/cheap activities.

I think I would be very wary of taking the suggestion of the therapist.

Unless the request for funding whilst at NRPs has come directly from the NRP, this could just be some rather fanciful thinking from the therapist, who may not have considered the implications or the the current set up.

It is possible that they have suggested doing stuff like cinema or swimming to the NRP, and NRP has mentioned cost being a barrier, so the therapist has thought that asking you might remove that barrier. NRP may have other reasons not to do such activities, and may have no idea that this has been put to you.

Do you and NRP have a good co-parenting relationship?

From what you have written, it sounds like your child has opportunities to enjoy regular, positive time with their NRP, that does not have to cost money beyond food, heating, bedding basics. It's primarily about their relationship.

I’d ask the therapist if it comes up again how much money they suggest the NRP get from you to buy their children’s love 🤨 <—while making that face.

The children have food, heating etc but NRP is unable to 'do nice things like cinema, swimming etc

Based on this info - Non RP is a CF

You are not obliged to pay the NRP to entertain the DC.
If they are fed and doing fine then the therapist can suggest anything they want but you are under no obligation to provide and no court would force you to do this in a financial order. Again assuming the NRP can feed, heat etc the kids.
If they keep pressing the point then say you will claim CMS and then offset one against th other!

I see what you're saying, but is it really 'not fair' though?

Firstly lots of families haven't the money to do something involving cash every single weekend. That's a life lesson for the kids.

Secondly - if the case is more that the NRP is not bothering to do anything with them (while having even more kids) i think that will teach them more about that parent and life in general than their resident parent forking out to cover the NRPs failures every two weeks ...

The kids are fed and warm and safe while with the other parent. If that other parent is just a lazy sod when it comes to providing anything more then the kids will work that out as they get older and put 2 and 2 together. You reap what you sow - the NRP will learn that.

Speaking from experience.

So the therapist made this suggestion not the NRP?

No you're not being unreasonable!
What they're saying is madness.

You've worked hard to get to where you are in your profession with the salary you are getting if NRP wants the same lifestyle as you then NRP can go out and work more hours / change their job / retrain for a better paying job if they want a better lifestyle and to have more disposable income to do "fun" things with the children that cost money.
Shouldn't have had more kids while being on a mw job then should they then maybe the lifestyles would be similar. Why should you have to fund him and your children's time with him - when you already have to fund your own time with the children.

You can do plenty of things that are free or low cost with children and have fun - park / beach / forest / kids cinema mornings / city farms / open days etc

This

Going against the grain here but...

I think it'd be good - if you can easily afford it - to provide a bit of money for nice activities like cinema. Even if the other child benefits too.

Just to avoid unintentional parental alienation type issues.

All depends a lot on your facts, though... only you know OP how much of a CF the other parent is. If they are going out for spa treatments all the time and then "can't afford" craft materials then obviously that would make a difference...

He?

I think the post is deliberately ambiguous?

What professionals??? They are only with the other parent for 4 days a month? Why would it mater, you could be claiming CMS as you say. CMS don't give a shit about people's situation. Other parent needs to work more or get a better job if they are struggling. Not up to you to pay for them to have a better life

I wouldn’t provide cash but I would potentially provide a season ticket to a local attraction or two, or offer to book tickets to some events/cinema etc.
Only if I could afford it and the other parent genuinely couldn’t.
This just seems in the best interest of your child in my opinion.
Also if it takes the pressure off you and you can have some quieter weekends without the pressure making up for the ones with NRP it probably evens out the same(ish) money.

Not enough info to feel certain about this, OP. If I was on £300k pa and the NRP was earning £35k working FT I might feel annoyed but wouldn't worry about sending £20 per night (say) each time the children went to NRP. I'd do it for the children, not for the NRP, and I'd want the children to have some say about what that money was spent on.

But if the gap between your salaries is much less pronounced, and if the NRP isn't actually working FT, then I'd be annoyed. And I would seriously question the judgment of the therapist. I wonder if s/he's had some buttons pushed there.

I might still consider sending the children with enough money to go to the cinema or swimming, nevertheless. If I was the NRP I'd be mortified to be working PT and also asking for swimming money.

There's the legal/ fairness position on it, and then there's the getting through with as little hassle as possible aspect — and if £80 a month for swimming sessions or the cinema solved the problem, I'd probably opt for that. And grit my teeth and remind myself this won't go on for ever.

One thing I wouldn't do is provide food for them. It should be something that a parent wants to do, to make sure their child has enough to eat. I'd think they were a pretty crap parent if they couldn't do that every couple of weeks.

But you do financially contribute to the NRP - by not claiming your entitlement to maintenance from them you are allowing them to have more money than if they were paying you maintenance for your joint children.

If NRP wants more income, they can work for it, like everyone else has too.

I'd struggle not to tell the 'professional' to fuck off if I was you.

The professional can fuck off

Cross posted

Tbh I assumed with the careful wording to avoid indicating the sex of either parent that the op is a man or they are both women. That tends to be the case when a poster avoids using he/she.
But what matters here is not he/she, it's rp/nrp.

How can a non resident parent claim child benefit? surely if the resident parents income is above the threshold it is not an entitlement?

If a therapist suggested it I'd be inclined to try and step back from the idea you are being asked to support the other parent and look instead at why this has been suggested. In what ways are your children suffering right now that has led to this recommendation?

If they are, genuinely, suffering hardship from this and it is within your power to negate that hardship then I would find it very hard to deny them this help. Though the help does not need to be in the form of direct money. Maybe you could get them cinema club memberhsips or leisure centre memberships that could be used with NRP on their days (as well as used by the children at other times).

If they are not suffering from it, hen why has the therapist suggested it?

@Notcms I genuinely can't decide if this is CF, or if IABU

oh I can. They are CF. If you agreed for spousal support for example and they’re in a new relationship with another kid, that could trigger the payment to stop.

your ex could work more- they don’t want to

your ex could have found a higher paid partner - they didn’t

they don’t have your child for the majority of the time and it’s actually fair of you not to demand child maintenance

there a couple of ways to deal with this

a. ignore it. It’s fucking bonkers

B. Tell ex that actually as NRP, THEY should be contributing to the costs etc for dc, but as a gesture of goodwill you’re NOT to demand that.

c. I’d also remind them it’s their business how much they work and that will determine their income but that’s their business. Be clear that you’re not going to be a source of additional income for them as you’re already bearing all of the costs of your child’s upbringing alone.

then refuse to engage.

Did the NRP do all the early years heavy lifting? Did you progress your career because your ex has there to raise your children?
How old are the kids?
Do they chose to live with you because of closeness to school &friends?
Do you have a significantly bigger house than the ex?
Most teens would take the big house rather than room sharing in a small flat.
Was the ex forced to leave the marital home?
Does the NRP generally organise clothes, uniform, etc have you taken this on, is it successful.
You both took a chance in your marriage, it's a shame it broke down, money is a blunt tool because people often sacrifice a lot that can't be measured.

I’d tell the therapist that their remit is to focus on the wellbeing of the dc, and that your dc is well looked after, provided for and is happy to see their NRP

that if they engage in this line of thinking that it will cause unnecessary animosity and will impact on the dc. If this doesn’t stop, you’ll be withdrawing your support for this therapy