That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

So the kids need households that are equal? Offer to work a mw job part time. That's equal then.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous. This will give your kids a perspective they would never see if they were with you full time. In any case the other parent can get a full time job, you cope when you have the kids 12 days out of 14!

The expectations of your ex sound strange. I think you have no requirement to cough up at all and would be annoyed at the cheekiness of it, but personally I would speak to the children and be led by them.

Perhaps cinema vouchers or restaurant vouchers, season passes to a particular place etc would be a better way of paying for something you children can directly benefit from whilst avoiding controlling days and times like with the theater trip.

I wouldn’t be parting with my money unless I had concrete evidence of their earnings and working hours which for transparency reasons is fair and the least I’d expect. That would only happen also IF NRP hadn’t decided to have another child which would limit the money available for your DC to have treats which is all this is about being able to be a Disney parent. Why should you effectively contribute towards someone else’s child because on the surface at least it would be logical to assume more money would be available had NRP not had another child. I know that’s your DC sibling but if the shoe was on the other foot would NRP give you extra because you had another child? I doubt it. You don’t claim CM which id be firmly reminding said “therapist” about although legally you could. If it’s not court ordered I wouldn’t especially after previous gestures had been thrown in your face. I’d not be wasting any more of my hard earned money on this therapist anymore, is it ordered that you must use them because they sound terribly unprofessional? As PP have suggested, If you’re feeling generous I’d look into annual passes etc that they could enjoy both with yourself and NRP and then you know it’s definitely being used for your DC and not for NRP and their partner. My DC father and his partner are both very high earners who EOW set up. I’m a NMW earner but I wouldn’t dream of being so cheeky as to demand more money from them because of the lifestyle differences. If I want to take my DC somewhere I save for it like everyone else. The whole suggestion in my mind that you stump up when you put the hours and work in for your wage is madness to me.

Nah your ex is being ridiculous. You offer to pay for activities purchased in advance, but they want the money? Too poor to pay for activities but ok to have another child. You’re already funding your child for the majority of everything. You don’t need to fund your ex as well. Would be different if you didn’t have majority custody.

The ex sounds like a CF and deliberately difficult. I would ask the kids how they're doing there, and give them spending money. I don't see that you owe the ex anything at all.

This was exactly my thought. Many of my childhood memories are of being at home and making “dens” out of chairs tables and blankets or other activities like playing, baking or crafting at home/ playing in the garden, having a picnic in the garden/ visiting the local park. Or a combination of craft and nature - collecting fallen leaves or petals and making mixed media “art” using the nature as well as drawing and painting. It mostly looked like a mess, but was good fun! Also making “perfume” by collecting some rose petals from the garden and mixing with water!!!

I am not sure why the activities have to be paid for, and even less sure why they should be paid for by someone else!!!

I doubt it, here’s a thread where a man is paying less CM because he has a new child and the majority agree with him.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5023363-ex-partner-reducing-maintenance-because-he-has-other-children

@Notcms

I read your initial post wondering if you were male, female or were in a same sex relationship : and questioned whether my answer would differ.

I actually think it would. If you were male/same sex I’d say you should pay more. If female then no.

The reason being that typically one person in the relationship (usually the female) tend to take a career back seat for maternity leave etc. Also the unfairness of gender pay gap etc. Did childcare once impact the non resident parents ability to climb the career ladder?

The difference in amount of childcare is significant, and would the other parent see more of their child if they could afford to?

It depends if the extra money DOES go directly on the children/their welfare : and how it’s possible to check that this happens. I can see that maybe the non resident parent doesn’t want to be ‘told’ how to spend money for days out : and maybe wants more control, so long as it goes directly on the child.

You had an equitable court ordered divorce. Your ex is with another partner it's up to them to manage their money. Giving extra will be the road to entitlement. They have a weekend every fortnight. Save for your kids if you feel guilty. I'm not sure this therapist has seen what they (he?) got from divorce? Maybe time to get them to step up. What do they want to do with children? How can that be supported? If they want to request specific price of extra tickets or other thing they should ask each time. Don't just start paying an amount, you'll get no thanks.

Yes this! The NRP can do museums and parks ffs.

if you can’t afford nice days out then why on earth have another child?

is the 3rd child missing out?

Or is this a case of 3rd child gets priority from shared parent and first two children get breadcrumbs when there and you are guilt tripped?

Sounds like CF to me, and I don't think YABU.

I think YANBU, OP.

If the NRP needs money they owe you a level of transparency that has not been forthcoming. Without it, I would do no more than provide cinema tickets, pocket money for treats for the DC, etc. The NRP does not sound fully trustworthy. For a therapist to side with them as you have described does not sound professional

It's up to the NRP how they spend THEIR money on the DC.

If the OP is male, are you going to start criticising the mother for not being the RP?

N/A

Unless the kids are being neglected (which I would get SS involved), then I absolutely would not hand over any money to her or pay for things like the cinema etc.

I am actually quite shocked the therapist said this and I’d suspicious and think they maybe friends with the exW.

The kids do not need to go to the cinema etc to have a good relationship with their partner, I think that’s a ridiculous thing to say.

I raised my DC as a single parent with no financial help from the father and I’ve been on benefits and NMW.
Of course money makes life a lot easier but my child was shown love regardless and we always did fun things, they would just be free or very cheap.

Get a new therapist.

I'm baffled how your ex giving you extra money when you're already not paying child support is good for your self esteem.

If it was me, I'd be ashamed I wasn't paying my fair share. Best thing for my self esteem? Paying my child support.

The so called therapist sounds a pita, creating problems where there doesn't need to be any.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable!

They have a partner and another child. If they couldn't afford that child, shouldn't have had it. They need to work full time to do the best for both children, and use childcare like everyone else does!

If they were single, and unable to work due to disability, then I may have considered it. But they have two adults who can work. This is not down to you. 💐

What sort of lifestyle does the new child get? Is it only your children who aren’t taken for nice things?

it’s seems odd that you are expected to pay everything for two of his children with no contribution, and also pay for nice trips for him, his new partner their joint child and your two children.

Of this couple is relying on food banks then the extra cash he wants from you surely won’t be spent on luxuries for your children to enjoy every other week - it will be spent on food, clothes and heating to provide a basic standard of living for the child who is on the home full time.

I can absolutely understand why this is hard. Your ex is living in poverty (he claims). That must be distressing for your children to see and even worse for his third child. But it’s not for you to support his new family.

Why

I dont care if op is male or female, or the nrp is male or female.

If 1 parent has the dc for 12 out of 14 days, why on earth should they pay anything at all. The only reason they should possibly is if the nrp supported rp to get the bigger salary

Not sure, but the shitty "they" is as bad as godawful drip feeds and reverses

Give me strength. YANBU and I'd just stop paying for things and offering the tickets. The children do not need to do things that cost money when they're with the NRP. They do not need to go to the cinema every week. They can have a movie night at home, or go out for a walk together or whatever. There is zero reason why quality family time needs to cost anything much at all. We're a high income household and we do not partake in activities that cost money every weekend, even though we could well afford it, because we're not in the business of wasting our hard earned money. Seems this "professional" that has been advising the NRP knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing, as my grandma used to say. I'd ignore and carry on as you were. Teach your children that spending money isn't the be all and end all.

Not the point, but I’m confused about part-full time. I’m only familiar with part time or full time.

I would not give him cash. No way.

If the family therapist is taking sides then you should stop using their services. Their job is to help the two of you reach an amicable position if possible. It is not to put pressure on you. It sounds like your ex is getting a good deal as it is.