That I don't need to pay

[Notcms]

Opinions pls as I don't not know anymore if IABU.
I am a resident parent whose children go to other parent 2 nights every 14.
I am a high earner, and non-resident parent is a mw earner who works part-full time.
I am being told by professionals involved with the children that the difference in the childrens lifestyle is not fair, and I should be financially supporting the non resident parent.
I do not claim CMS or anything from the other parent although obviously I am entitled to.
Aibu to not hand over money to non resident parent who say they are struggling....or should I pay something?

You have no idea of what they are working or if full or part time but you are meant to just hand over money. To hell with that.

If what I am reading is correct:
You claim no maintenance
Pay for all necessities (clothing, school trips etc)
Children are comfortable, fed and warm at the NRP house (ie not living in poverty)
Have offered to pay for days out- not only for your children but also ex and their own children
You give the children spending money to do as they wish

You owe your ex nothing.

2 days in 14 where there are no cinema trips surely won’t affect the kids? They can go to the park! I wouldn’t hand over cash, bet it ends up just going into their family pot for the new kid.

I am not sure why it should be up to you to boost the NRP's self esteem?

How about boosting their self esteem by sending flowers and a card saying ‘you’re doing such a great job. Keep smiling!’

YANBU. Unless your ex is struggling to feed extra mouths every other weekend then no it’s definitely not your responsibility to finance their weekends with your DC. They don’t need days out/activities to make the most of the time they spend with NRP.

Suggest that if they continue to push this narrative you’ll pursue CMS payments.

YANBU and I would book a private session with the therapist to say you think they are being unprofessional and that you have done all you can to facilitate trips etc with NRP. You are not handing over cash that can just go into their general living expenses/ new child. They have turned your trips etc down. The therapist is being very unprofessional.

No, you’ve offered things and it’s been declined so I don’t think you should be giving NRP money. They aren’t paying maintenance and at the end of the day kids shouldn’t have to be going out all the time when they are there, it’s fine for them to just fit into family life there.

So the payments would not, in fact, be for your children, but for your ex’s self-esteem. Fuck that.

Yeah, funny how their self-esteem is boosted by cold, hard cash but dented by some cinema tickets 🤣

Yep...it could be suggested maybe someone trying to get out of something

Just for some context...did/does NRP want to be RP? Do they feel that you pushed to be RP to ensure you didn't have to pay maintenance?

I appreciate you don't know much about NRP work, but the assumption here is that they could work more but choose not to? Is it possible that they are working all the hours they can (potentially full time) around their other childcare responsibilities?

Was there any accusations of control in the relationship/during the divorce? If so I can see why they're turning down theatre tickets etc.

Doesn't sound like you're under any obligation to actually pay NRP anything anyway.

It depends if the reason for the NRP being a minimum wage earner is connected to decisions or events that happened during the time you were together.

If without their relationship with you they would have had a good shot at developing a well-paid career then that would be a good reason for there to be a modest amount of support. It's difficult to reboot a stalled career after decades where you didn't need to.

I can see that there would be a self esteem issue for the NRP
But I don't see how that's for you to fox by giving them money.
It's fine for them to say, actually when you give us food or tickets that makes us feel.shit so please stop....its not OK to say but please give us the cash so I can feel good about myself.

YANBU and I doubt a professional told you that. Did that come via NRP? It is not for you to help their self esteem by giving them cash instead of tickets to the cinema etc which I would not do either. You already do not claim CMS so that is your contribution to the NRP who has another partner and a new child.

I wouldn't offer cash/money.

I think you offering to pay for tickets or activities and them being refused is telling. If it's mentioned in future by the therapist I'd just reiterate you've offered to pay for events and activities and the nrp has declined. 🤷

The nrp is a two parent household. At least one of the adults works. They only have your DC's two days a fortnight. There's no reason you should be handing over cash! Does the therapist realise you could be claiming maintenance and aren't?!

I'd stop worrying about this tbh.

If the kids ask you, or mention they'd like to do something while there say you're happy to arrange tickets/book stuff for them and the rest of the nrp household. TBH though surely most kids wouldn't think to ask you to? It's a very odd situation.

@Cornishclio
A therapist told me that in our first joint session.
I told them that our finances were settled in court and I would discuss it no further.

Other parent kept coming back to the issue and I was asked to 'have a think about it' by the therapist.

@YireosDodeAver
No the other parents career was not affected by our relationship - they have always chosen to work in the field they do, and never chosen to progress a career.

@ReindeerLamp No the NRP was offered more contact, 50:50 if wanted, but it was them who decided 2 nights per fortnight.
Yes it is possible they are working every hour they can.

BTW this isn't being driven by the children, they are happy to do films, read books, cooking/baking, crafts, park, riding bikes and have hours of screen time - which is fine by me as long as they are happy.

The next time finances are raised I would reiterate that it was decided by the court and if any change is expected it needs to be discussed in court and not with the therapist. If therapist persists ask them what qualifications they have in financial mediation

it sounds like a hellish situation. How long have you been divorced?

Times are hard at the moment for everyone.

But the important thing is that the children have time with you. Not ice-creams, and bought stuff.

I wouldn't worry. You are divorced, it has been decided. If my kids went to their grandparents for a weekend I might give the grandparents some money towards food. £20, or something.

I guess you could consider that.

Perhaps also a change of therapist?!

Quote: "Surely it’s up to the NRP how they spend the money on the DC."

You mean "how they spend YOUR money"?

and no. OP doesn't have to give the every other weekend parent money to spend how they like - whether that parent is mum or dad. (or other mum/other dad makes no difference).

Why are you bothering with mediation. You are divorced and have both moved on. It’s just dragging it out unnecessarily. They are remarried or with someone else with another kid. They shouldn’t be relying on you.

You are not being unreasonable you have the kids 12 out of 14 days and don't claim anything from the other parent. Sounds like they are just trying to get money of you. I wound ignore the therapist an stop seeing them. You had tried to pay for stuff and they where not happy about it. If the kids are happy just spending time at home with the other parent that's all that matters.

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Jamie Eddolls