Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

Please tell me you’re leaving that man, @MuchTooTired

@TheMessiahIsMySister I hope to. It’s bloody ridiculous, but classic abuse starts in pregnancy (my DTs are 6) and I’m terrified of leaving. Not because he’ll hurt me, but I can’t keep them safe from his shitty temper if I’m not there, I’m scared leaving will fuck the kids up and scared staying will too. I’m quietly collecting evidence of his behaviour so I’m ready to provide ‘proof’ otherwise he’ll just paint me as mentally ill. But yes, in time I will do. Until then I try to remind myself that I’m not what he says I am, and that even if I do eventually argue back on occasion I’m not abusive, a bully or gaslighting him like he says I am/do.

When I was in college, there was a woman (we were both mature students) who liked to tell me how sexually unattractive I was. She was otherwise very nice to me, and I thought we were friends. 🙄

This happened several times. I never behaved in a sexual manner towards her, or commented on her appearance.

I am not big visibly and no one has ever called me overweight or obese but I have been told by the GP that for health reasons I need to get my BMI below 23 as I am of asian heritage. Once my BMI is below 23, chances are that my insulin resistance will improve and I will move to normal blood sugar rather than pre-diabetic range. So yes, you can be overweight and not look it at all.

Your daughter will know you love her. My own father used to say stuff like this to my mother and everyone thought he was so nice.
She did get fat because he wore her confidence down to nothing and she'd eat to get over the pain.
I get people say things in anger but how are you dealing with it? It's hard to talk to friends as well as once it's in the open people will see him differently.

@Happilyobtuse that's interesting I didn't know that.

Someone at work recently suggested someone else was ‘taking one for the team’ by sitting next to me. They don’t know I heard.

DH is tall and broad shouldered but lean and not particularly muscular beyond what men are ( so more than me but not so you’d gawp/ even comment and certainly not a bodybuilder.) He has always been “obese” yet looks quite a tall thin person.

Meanwhile I am of average to above average height, small hips, wrists etc but always have had shape st the top of my thighs, calves etc ( basically where you have storage fat) yet until last dc was always “ underweight.” Yet DH and I - obese and underweight - were probably very similar in terms of “ obesity.” Obviously it works in the broadest sense that if you put in weight you will move up thd bmi index ( am now well within “normal” 🤨 not underweight as of old !) but I really was fine when it said underweight just what once would have been called “fine build.” Meanwhile the notion DH is obese is just silly. So I think some builds can stretch the sensible application of it without being rugby prop extreme.

If only BMI were a ratio that takes into account height and weight to give its measurement...

A flatmate at uni told me I was an introvert pretending to be an extrovert.

I’m fairly reserved with strangers and probably have slight social anxiety. I have to force myself to actively engage in conversations as otherwise I could easily just not participate. I cringe knowing that someone picked up on the fact these efforts are so obviously put on. Made me regress tbh as I hated the idea of being seen as fake or disingenuous.

Im sure my issues are due to childhood abuse. As a very small child (3-12) I was fairly outgoing.

My ex and father of my child in an email sent with the sole intention of hurting me. In the context of something his 'amazing' new partner had said, he quoted himself as responding with "oh don't worry, I had to deal with that slag in a fucking wheelchair so nothing is more embarrassing than that, believe me". Later that same night, he shared a post to his Facebook about making mistakes and commented our DC's name as being one of them and a so-called friend took a screenshot and sent me it quick as lightning.

Problem is, you can technically still be size 12 and be obese weight-wise. But if you know that it's muscle weight then you shouldn't let it bother you as you know it's not fat

How horrible. Well done on you for pushing through your anxiety , a true friend would have been championing you on the " small wins" not using your insecurities against you.

A schoolfriend dad about 30 years ago said to me "you live and die in that outfit don't you?" ... it was the only outfit I had apart from my school uniform. I felt so ashamed. I was about 10.

A few posters have mentioned the old "Sticks and stones" line

I can never hear it now without thinking of the Tim Minchin line "Sticks and stone may break your bones, but words can break hearts"

I remember once when I was in an exam a teacher while walking between the desks stopped next to me for a while. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and odd at the time but assumed they were looking for cheating.
Later I learned that teachers amuse themselves in exams by challenging each other to stand next to the child who <fill in the blank>. I'm now sure this game is why they were standing there and though I won't ever know what the specific challenge was I very much doubt it was complimentary!

Similar here. I was 9 and in agony due to appendicitis. My Dad, prior to appendicitis being confirmed, told me it was likely due to me eating too much all the time. Having seen photos of myself at the time, I was not in the slightest bit fat, I just wasn't as slender as the rest of my family.

Aged 8 or 9, I went swimming with my then best friend and her mum. We were showering afterwards, when the mum suddenly patted me on the belly and said, "Oh! A little bit chubby there!"
Like, wtf?
Even at that age, I knew that wasn't really an okay thing to say to anyone. But it especially struck me as weird because her own daughter (my friend) was a LOT chubbier than I ever was!

You aren’t called Kellie are you?! My Mum used to do this…and put us both on the scales most weeks to compare!

Then I’d secretly get put on a diet. So toxic.

I’d have been 14 or 15 and it was Christmas Day. My much older brother and his family were coming over for the day. As it was Christmas Day I thought I’d make an effort. I wore a white satin blouse and a cerise pink skirt (well, it was the 80s!) My brother came in, laughed at me and said “What are you all dolled up for?” I felt utterly humiliated and went and got changed.

A throwaway remark that he won’t even remember making, but forty odd years later I still remember how shit he made me feel.

I have lots and lots of others that I will still think about from time to time if I’m feeling low.

Nope. Not a Kellie. It's sad that there's other people out there though who went through the same experience!

Anyone who behaves like that, whether they realised it was you or not, is not your friend.

Haha my brother always says stuff like this or I’ve gotten “dolled up” in the past and he’s said “you look weird”. I just brush it off and stay how I am, it’s probably them thinking you look nice but not knowing how to say so within the confines of your sibling relationship.

Your friend might have just been warning you about it?

When I was a teen, looking aimlessly in the fridge for something to eat, my mum walked through the kitchen and just said “piglet” then walked off.

Shocked how many replies are about parents calling their children overweight / not pretty. My kids are only toddlers but I could never imagine telling them they are anything but beautiful

My ex told me I was abit weighty but he was okay with that as I have a pretty face..