Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

If anyone said anything vaguely nice about me in front of my mother she'd tell to to stop it 'in case it gives her ideas'.

Fuck knows what that meant.

I think we all need to learn the art of not giving a fk.
We are who we are, let others think of us as they will. We could ALL sit and pick fault with absolutely EVERYONE we know, because absolutely none of us are perfect on every level. I guess those people who are insecure about those certain aspects of themselves that they aren't comfortable or happy with, project it onto others, in some psychological way making them feel better about their own issues deep within them.?Maybe it's learned behaviour? Maybe they're just nasty humans who get enjoyment watching others squirm? Maybe it's glee from pointing out our failures to 'counteract' their own?
We all have one life, maybe we shouldn't let the thoughts of others rule how happy we are in that one life. Maybe we should just be ourselves and fk what they think!
Reading all the replies to my post, makes me so deeply sad how others words have shaped people's lives or made them cry. Plus those very things are probably what many others love about us and we should probably learn to love them too, because it's what makes us who we are 🥰

It's interesting you say this.

Over lockdown I was contacted by a junior school friend of mine, on FB messenger. She apologised for bullying me - I don't think she had, or not that badly, to me maybe there was one or two comments but certainly nothing memorable to me (but obvs to her). There was another girl in her class who I shared mutual friends with, who used to make worse nasty comments but obvs I've long gotten over those! Obviously this friend felt bad now, had grown up and wanted to rectify it, which I appreciated but was kind of confused as to why. She's a TA, so maybe she sees this where she works. Now she's a really good friend, it helps that she knows other friends of mine so I know she's not just saying sorry for the sake of it. She's obviously mulled it over, whereas I'd completely forgotten and it didn't figure high on my agenda.

Surprisingly a lot of people don’t realise they are overweight. I know of quite a number of people who visible look quite fit but weight wise they are overweight as most of their fat is around the mid section. Their BMI is actually overweight but you wouldn’t guess by looking at them. These people are often prone to have diabetes, heart disease etc. So yes, it is the GP’s job to highlight it so that people can work on it and make themselves healthier. The biggest crisis the NHS is facing is obesity and it’s related health issues! Maybe read up on it!

She's a decent person to own what she clearly knew was wrong. Maybe she knew at the time and was showing off or trying to fit in with her peers. She's obviously carried remorse over this and has come forward to apologise to you.
She sounds like a good person.

She is so lovely, such a good decent person. She's the TA at a long time friend of mine's school where their DS goes who's ND and she's so good with all the pupils.

Having had one school friend apologise (and wasn't sincere) for similar behaviour a few years ago it's really nice and refreshing/reassuring to have someone sincerely apologise.

@Happilyobtuse when I was a practice nurse we'd do BMI as part of various things. I was often surprised when the measurements showed someone to be obese when to my eye they were just a bit chunky, solid or other similar description. You read it on here all the time with those who are 3 stone overweight as being cuddly, chunky, well-built etc when in reality (depending on height) then at 3 stone overweight they are likely to be obese or pushing obese.

This thread was a sad read last night. So many nasty comments made to people that have affected lives.

@trytopullyoursocksup that's terrible. You should find that bitch and tell her how horrible she was (and probably still is)

Exactly my point. I would never ever make a comment about anyone’s weight or looks etc. But when you go to a health professional and they state a fact, I would accept it and work on it and not take it personally.

My mum told me long ago that when someone says something which hurts your feelings, it is ok to feel sad. But always think about what was said and see if there is any truth to it, if it is something you need to work on then work on that and if not, just let it go, like water off a ducks back. I have lived by that and it has always made me respond sensibly even when I don’t like what is being said.

1996, 5 months pregnant with my 3rd child (a boy) Sadly I miscarried at home, he was very tiny but fully formed. Paramedic to me "Do you have a bucket or carrier bag to put IT in?" meaning my baby 😥 I was bleeding heavily and in shock. Just absolutely awful.

BMI is acknowledged to be a very rough estimate of overweight/ obesity. There are lots of things it cannot factor in like muscle.

That was such an inconsiderate thing for them to say when you were going through something so devastating. I'm so sorry 💐

@SwoopingIsBad Thank you 🫶 It was almost 30 years ago but I'll never forget that remark. I'd like to think health professionals are more aware of language used around miscarriage/baby loss.

I have no words for this. I can't begin to imagine how that felt 💐

@Calliopespa no professional athletes or bodybuilders were patients of mine. No extra muscle. Just overweight/obese.

@PineapplePomPom did you or anyone report the paramedic?
I had to report a midwife when a workmate MC. It was during COVID and the girl was alone. She was made to feel like shit. The girl's DM didn't make much fuss but I was fuming.

Agreed, but BMI is still a pretty good estimate for most people by and large except professional athletes, body builders etc. Also I am 10.5 stone, 5 ft 6”, don’t really look unfit but I am overweight for ppl of asian heritage, my BMI is 23.8 and I am still in the pre-diabetic range. I walk 5-6 miles daily and work out for half an hour with weights and also run a few days a week. I have now been told to lose more weight by my GP. So I am taking it seriously.

@Ulysees No I didn't, it was all very rushed as they needed to get me to hospital quickly. In hindsight, I don't think it was malicious, it was all very rushed and DH was trying to arrange childcare for other DC. I can't remember what they did put my baby in to take to hospital. (It certainly wasn't a bucket or carrier bag) The hospital staff were lovely though, they washed him and put him in a tiny basket and took Polaroids and hand and footprints. It was just a very careless and crass question from the paramedic at the time.

@PineapplePomPom thank goodness for that ❤️

@Happilyobtuse you don't sound very big at all and BMI is good??

What a hideous, hideous thing to say. There's just no excuses are there 💕💕💕

BMI is a blunt instrument.

But it’s pretty obvious on first glance if someone is overweight because they’re a bodybuilder or an All Black prop, or they’re obese.

Yes, someone remarked that Marilla was 'homely' and it took 50 years for the sting to go away. Perhaps a similar thing had happened to the author.

Aged about 14, my male friend said that his mate had referred to me as “the elephant woman”.

At a similar age, my mum used to take me shopping and when I had tried on a few things and they didn’t fit / look flattering, insisted on my looking in the maternity section. I will never, ever forget it. I was slightly puppy fatty but a size 12. 😰

My friends were singing nursery rhymes for some reason, and I couldn’t remember the words. Upon telling them that, one said to me that it’s just as well I don’t have kids, I’d make a terrible mother. I’d been struggling with infertility for years, she knew it, and just stuck the boot in.

More recently, ‘D’H shouted at me that I’m fucking fat, a shit wife and utterly shit in bed, that I fuck everything up and told our DD that he loves her and he’s sure that I love her in my own way. The last one stabbed me through the heart, the idea of my little girl being told that and potentially remembering that.