Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

Frog eyes unite! It was girls at high school that said this to me, but yes, large, green, and probably one of my better features whatever they said.

This kind of thing regularly happened to me and I so much fear it happening to my daughter, who is also the class tall kid, which is not surprising as she's one of the oldest in the yeargroup as well as having an early growth spurt ans puberty (as I did). I've never criticised my body in her hearing and CERTAINLY never passed any judgement on hers, but I've no control over what stupid things others may say. And I think they sometimes do, from hints I'm picking up. It's a hard balance to tread. I'm hoping in another few years the other girls will have caught up.

Large green eyes are my absolute dream!

Yes, I agree that my mother's generation and older were very against people thinking too highly of themselves.
Don't worry what you look like, you are clean and kind - Who's looking at you?
I remember a story about the late Queen, about how her own grandmother told her she was acting pompous in a shop and how, upon reflection, she had been thinking of herself as an enormously pleasing princess.

Pride comes before a fall.

Posing in the mirror was not on.
My father once said my skirt was as short as the skirts worn by the girls drumming for business down on the corner.
It was true.

It was amoral to think oneself beautiful or above one's station or better than the next person. Being a good looser and a non boastful winner were of equal importance.
Finding and making use of your talents for the benefit of others was what was admired.
Self depricating humour was rife and normal. My mother would repeat the "Girls in glasses don't get passes" too. She wore glasses.
People laughed at themselves.
They got through the war years and coped with little.

I think we have all been the brunt of a shocking criticism but perhaps today's youngsters are too image focused and thus could be marred for life by hearing a negative comment. Whereas I think I gained character and humility, hearing that I was not the centre of the universe.

@user1492757084 while you're right about attitudes changing, I don't think this is entirely a generational thing - I recall my mother (1950s childhood) and my great-aunt (1930s/40s childhood) both remembered and told me about comments which had cut them deeply. Neither is/was a particularly fragile soul.

My great-aunt was told she would never find a husband as she had unrealistically romantic ideas for a plain girl!

Whenever I took seconds at dinner or a sweet biscuit for my coffee my Dad would say to me “There you go piggy”. He’s dead now and I’m 51 and I still want to smash his face in for that.

They all pretty much didn't like me. I was the weird kid with divorced parents, shite clothes and who had no clue how to integrate socially. I thought they were my friends, but they really weren't. Found my tribe (for a while) outside of school.

It left me with decades long anxiety around "fitting in" and socialising. I struggled right up until I went to a 12 step fellowship and someone told me (not in relation to this) the "Not everyone has to like me, just as I don't have to like everyone - and thats ok!"

So sorry this is happening to your daughter, the only advice I can give, well two bits really..

1. help her to find her tribe - might mean some out of the box ideas on clubs etc.
2. keep building her self esteem, the more she can recognise the good qualities in herself, the less other peoples opinions matter.

And tell her, I said that weirdo/uncool friends are the best!

Oh, nose-picker, I presume someone who hadn't been picked as the 3 bestie names would have been put in with her. I kinda felt sorry for her myself at the time.

My mum was beautiful. Startlingly beautiful.
When she was 12, they added captions underneath all the photos in the yearbook. Under Mum’s, they wrote, “pleasingly plump.”
At 95, she was still affected by that, still telling me how offended she was by those two words. How they all thought she was “fat.”
She died a year later.
I honestly don’t think they wrote it out of malice, but it followed her her entire life.

When I announced the news that I had gotten engaged and showed my ring to my parents, my father said.."Oh at least this one might stick around!"

I had chosen to leave my ex partner five years earlier and I had no other failed relationships.

When I got an eyebrow ring as a 17 year old in college, he said I looked like "an innercity slut".

I have forgiven him but the words still sting.

As a young teenager on a nightout I was told by an older guy I would be nearly ok without glasses, have hated wearing them ever since. Can barely try them on in the opticians when I have to get new ones and wear contacts to work or socialising. I know it's ridiculous as I love glasses on other people, I just see myself as disgusting when I look in the mirror.

My ex partners dad used to tell me ‘you could have a good body if you did more exercise’ - baring in mind, I was a size 6 at that point 🙃 (he used to say it in-front of everyone, around the dinner table too)

Also had a dreadful time at school, lots of shit at home to deal with and bad mental health problems meant I had poor attendance. My friends knew this.

I miraculously got into uni and was absolutely ecstatic that my life was about to change. Instead of saying congratulations, one of my friends said ‘you’ll have to go to classes now you’re paying for them’ with a smug look. I’m sure it was nothing, but it stuck with me

You should have asked why she laughs like a witch. Annoying woman.

Username tracks…

In my early 20s on a night out a random man was vile to me (for no reason) and I can’t remember any of the other abuse except he called me Santa as I was wearing a black belt on a red dress - sounds funny typing it out now, but it made me sooo paranoid about my tummy! 🤣 I was a slim 10/12!

Also another one - when it recently engaged and showing a “friend” my engagement ring - her comment was “oh I thought it would be bigger” pretty sure this was jealousy as she so wanted her OH to propose but he didn’t for years!

I’d rather today’s youngsters be image conscience than hear the sexist crap you seem to be advocating for in your post. Funny how it’s all directed at women, not men, eh?

My father once said my skirt was as short as the skirts worn by the girls drumming for business down on the corner.
It was true.

Your father’s comment was vile.

As was @Danfromdownunder ’s father’s comment. She’s 51 not a ‘youngster’ but still hurt by her father saying ‘there you go piggy’ when she ate a biscuit.

I had it more recently with a friend who was making lots of passive comments every time we saw one another. She ended up going on a huge rant at me, told me I'd changed and she didn't like the person I was now and then ghosted me and we didn't speak for 2 years.

She was my oldest friend and i was devastated. Flip to now and she came grovelling. Told me she was going through a hard time at home and was projecting. Looking back I was always the underdog in our relationship; poor family, smaller house, had to work through school and college etc yet I was the one who has a successful career and my DH is a high earner and we have 3 DC. I think she felt uncomfortable with the change to circumstances for us and it made her resentful.

We're still not the same and won't ever be unfortunately. Too much was said and done.

After having DD I had friends and family over visiting to see DD. I heard someone ask a friend, who was holding DD, do you think she's cute". The friend responded no she's not cute. I felt so heartbroken for my DD as she was holding her and I didn't stick up for her or take my DD from her. I promised myself going forward I will always stick up for my DD and cried for days after that I never stuck up for her.

Not a fleeting comment but when I was 19 I was on the bus alone going into my local town for a night out. Some boys I’d gone to school with relentlessly ripped the shit out of me for being fat, ugly, weird (yes, I am probably on the side of unconventional looking but still). I never got over it and years later my friend ended up dating a friend of the boys and saw the main one and told him what he’d done. He was mortified and apologised so much - but why you’d do it in the first place is beyond me

White van men shouting to my ex when we were together “I don’t fancy yours much” they thought it hilarious so did my ex.
I was in early pregnancy and felt like shit as it was so that really helped 😏

I had been unwell for a few weeks, but was feeling much better and meeting up with a friend. I had done my hair, make up and dressed nicely, I was feeling good. As soon as friend saw me, she said, “You’re not right still, are you, you don’t look well and your eyes are red”. I checked in the mirror and my eyes weren’t red at all, I don’t know why she said it and everytime I see her now I feel anxious that she is going to say something about my appearance again.

That's great, but then why are you still bothered by this comment? I have a lot of "you need to loose weight, you need facelift, you need whatever" from my family - but I literally could not care less. For some people looks are the most important thing ever, and your friend simply reiterated this. You, and I, know its great to be good looking but its not the end of the world if you are not perfect. Just laugh it of, stand your ground and hold your head high! x

My mum said the same thing when I was struggling as an undiagnosed autistic teenager, and acting out because of it. I was already convinced that no one liked me, so to hear my mum say that broke my heart and it still weighs on my mind decades later. It’s really such an unpleasant thing to say to anyone, let alone your own child!

Hahaha! So true! My mum always says I look like CZJ when I am thin. With the weight on, you have described it perfectly! We could be twins! 😂🤣

I think that’s really true and , while it doesn’t ease the hurt of a nasty comment, I really don’t think people who truly feel good in themselves make nasty comments. I think a lot of people hurt a lot. 🥺

I have numerous examples of random men in the street calling me ugly, making dog howling/barking noises in my direction and so on. It happened so often when I was younger (I'm now middle aged and blessedly invisible) that I came to expect it; I would tense up if I was passing a group of men, bracing myself for any comments.

Along with others on this thread, I also have a dad one. I was complaining to my dad about being bullied in school when I was in my early teens - I was relentlessly bullied, name-calling and being slapped/shoved in corridors. My dad impatiently said "What's the problem; you're bigger than most of them, aren't you?"

Firstly, I wasn't particularly big, I was a 1980s size 12, and as a second year about 5' tall, certainly not bigger in any sense than the group of fifth years who had singled me out. But what he said conjured up this horrible image of an enormous version of myself lumbering around like a tank shoving my assailants out of the way while they sneered at me. In no sense would it have helped my cause to be 'bigger' than anyone.

I suppose he might have been thinking of his own days at a boys' grammar school in the 1950s when physical size/strength might have been seen as an advantage.

But for me, the comment added insult to injury. It was never any use complaining about bullying in those days; even if you were taken seriously you were expected just to 'ignore' it or 'stay out of their way' (as if you'd seek them out!).