Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

One or two years into my marriage (over 20 years ago) my MIL told me I looked better with my glasses on. I don't think she meant it how it sounded but I've worn them all day, everyday ever since even though I don't actually need to.

Another one involving my own DM this time, again 20ish years ago. A year or so after having my youngest we met up with family friends for lunch. One of the friends also had a young child, at the time she wore nice fitted jeans and fitted t - shirts (nothing wrong with this) which meant you could see the change in her body shape. I was always conscious of wanting to hide my shape so wore looser clothing. When we were standing in the car park saying goodbye she looked at me and said “oh you haven't got a muffin top, that's not fair”. Immediately my mum piped up saying “oh she has ”! I was gobsmacked that she would say such a thing. I would imagine it was more to make the friend feel better rather than make me feel bad but still. 🙄

I think it can be taught eg abseiling teaches us to be brave, football teaches us to lose gracefully and play again next week, watching a parent change career after redundancy teaches flexible thinking

Best to focus on effort, not achievement eg if we encourage children to study for an A, they may feel they failed if they get a B. If we encourage them to work hard to achieve their potential, they may be delighted with a B, if that was the best result they could have hoped for

But, horrible people will still say awful things and it's difficult to completely protect against that. All we can hope for is to minimise the impact

It is funny how little comments can haunt you. I was always self conscious of my body as a teenager. I was very skinny, I had no shape and no boobs. I was never bullied but kids at school would ask if I was anorexic, I really was tiny despite eating plenty. My cousin who is a year younger (we were around 14/15) had really big boobs and I overheard my mum and auntie talking downstairs. My aunt said she was worried my cousins boobs were too big for her age, my mum said ‘at least she has boobs, polters hasn’t got any’ then they laughed. My mum is not a cruel person at all and I’d say that’s the only thing I ever heard her say about me negatively but I felt so embarrassed and upset. She’d be devastated if she knew!!

My boss (a consultant rheumatologist) once told me (then a junior doctor) in front of the whole ward round that I was “as thick as pig shit” and needed to “stop being so useless”. I also had undiagnosed ADHD, I was trying my absolute best and it was never good enough. It does stay with you

This is a fascinating thread, OP — all those things that people say that stay with us, even years later.
The thing that amazes me is that even on a thread like this, you get some posters with (hopefully throwaway rather than designed to hurt) comments like ‘I just don’t understand why anyone would let themselves be affected by that; I wouldn’t.’ Well, no, perhaps not, and you’re clearly superior (or think you are!) but everyone’s different…
The thread does make me worry, though, about things I’ve said that might have had a lasting impact on someone. I don’t make a habit of it, at least not intentionally, but I do remember a good friend meeting a boyfriend of mine for the first time and he sided with her about something (can’t remember what now). The next time I saw her, she kept gloating about how he’d ’chosen’ her over me, and in the end, I snapped, and told her what he’d said about her after she left (which wasn’t positive). I apologised later but still feel bad about it. We’ve remained friends though. But there must be other occasions I’ve said things — unwittingly — and hurt people.
The one thing that stays with me is me asking my DM if she thought I was creative; her looking at me and saying of course not; you’ve never created anything. Even now if people suggest I’m creative, I think no I’m not… It’s not bad by the standards of many things on this thread — but it’s certainly stayed with me.

If ever there was a thread that supports the old adage that if you haven't got anything positive to say about someone, don't say anything.
Some are probably not meant to hurt but some of these comments made to people are just vindictive and nasty.

My ex and I lived in a bit of rough area at the time. At the end of our road was a rough pub and there was sometimes fights at kicking out time. My ex was a huge guy who worked on night club doors for extra money sometimes. We were sitting watching a film late one night around pub out time, and I just fancied a little bit of Chocolate. I asked him if wouldn’t mind popping over the little late night shop which was across the main road just behind the houses facing. No biggy if he didn’t want to, I was just asking. He huffed and puffed and asked why couldn’t I go myself. I just looked at him with incredulity and said ‘seriously!’, he said ‘What? you think someone would want to rape you? Why on earth would anyone want to rape YOU!’. If ever I look back and wonder if we could have worked it out. I remember those words!

As a kid I played a lot of basketball and was quite tanned. Each time we visited my relatives in my home country I would be told I was so dark and should avoid the sun! 🤣Fast forward and now I am told I am too pale! With some people you can’t win! 😂

Oh so many... ones which stand out are - to 4yr old me at playgroup, said by one of the adults 'oh RB2 can be one of the ugly sisters'. I remember having the realisation that maybe I was ugly. At age 4 (I was not).

At a friend's birthday party, maybe age 8 - my Mum saying 'don't eat any more, you're fat enough as it is' (infront of all of my friends). Various other weight related comments from my Mum eg 'don't you get really uncomfortable being so overweight in the summer? (I was a size 12).

Looking back I can now see my Mum has had lifelong struggles with body issues which she projected onto me. Sure, I had an early growth spurt around 12 and was taller and bigger than many my age, but by the time I was 14/15 I was no bigger than anyone else. Words matter and will be remembered for a lifetime.

Though lots of these comments are from women .... I have noticed many times how such a percentage of men feel they are absolutely automatically entitled to judge and assess and comment on women's looks; while they look rather less than Adonis like themselves (and are often way older).

It's a bizarre facet of male behaviour, alongside things like thinking that women young enough to be their daughters and grand daughters are fair game and would be interested in them etc.

My DD is tall (6'4" father) for her age - but not even the tallest in her class; since she was a toddler women of all ages have said in her hearing at toddler groups, musical groups, in shops, pretty much everywhere "she tall for her age isn't she, she's a big girl, isn't she, she's what age?!" Etc etc etc Ad nauseum.

She must have heard it over 100 times now and she's 6 years old.

With me, it was "she's small, she's fine, she's really small" ad nauseum. I took it in and it did affect me.

They act like the kids can't hear them, or are not sentient or something.

It's like they're too dumb to talk about anything other than size and looks.
And too dumb to realise that the children are absolutely hearing and taking it in
.

He clearly had a strong grasp of the dynamics of rape.

But then door men arent generally famous for their intellect.

@AHalfWarmedFish I hope you stayed in medicine? What a horrible man 🤬

For the most part, my mum did an amazing job and we’ve always been close (particularly now I have DC). Can’t fault 99.9% of her parenting, she did her best. BUT when I was maybe 6-8 years old she went through a patch of telling me I had a blobby nose several times a year. I honestly had no idea what that even meant, I just knew there was something about my nose she thought was very unattractive. When I was maybe 8, I remember she put her hand over the lower half of my face, covering the bottom of my nose and mouth (I did have bad teeth as a child which I later got fixed with braces) and said “you’d be so pretty like this”… what, with just the top half of my face???

I felt insecure for YEARS about the bottom half of my face, even after I had gotten my teeth fixed. It was only after I stopped caring so much how I looked that I realised the bottom half of my face IS SO NORMAL. Literally nothing remarkable or notable about it.

she would be mortified if she knew I remembered that (she probably doesn’t!!!) and how much of an impact it had on me. When we had to wear face masks during the pandemic, I thought “self conscious 15 year old me would have loved this - only the best half of my face on display” 🤣🤣

My DD has had this for years. She is the tallest in her class at age 12 and 5ft8. I had to eventually speak to family members and friends to ask them to stop mentioning her height.

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid adults can be when discussing children’s appearance

I did stay in medicine, became a GP and have worked as one for the past 6 years. I did a good job clinically and was well liked by patients…. colleagues however were never a massive fan of my terrible time management and organisational fuck ups 😂
Unfortunately I burnt out badly and resigned last year, and whilst off work I got my adhd diagnosis…. Everything starting to make sense. So many issues since childhood all suddenly clicking. I think I want to retrain as a therapist/counsellor now instead of going back to GP 😊

But people already know they are overweight, without the GP mentioning it.
They're not stupid.

And if they go to the GP for something else....ingrown toenail, eczema, ear pain etc. there's no point mentioning something they didn't ask for help with.

GPs are busy enough sealing with things people DO ask for advice with.

@AHalfWarmedFish I wish you well ❤️

I really didn't think my post would get so much traction. It's really saddening to see how many people have been affected by flippant comments (some definitely not flippant!) Words have such power behind them. They can manifest deep within our souls years later and ultimately shape our outlook on ourselves, our confidence and life in general. I just hope that this thread makes people realise how deeply their comments on others looks and personality can affect others and makes us all take stock and think before speaking a little. I'd absolutely hate to think that something I'd said to someone had affected them so badly they carried my words in their mind constantly with me oblivious 😔

Yes it's really good to have a reminder @HoorayFriday .

A collegue once told me she would kill for my confidence because sometimes I posted selfies and "not everybody would post themselves having huge noses, it's amazing you're so accepting of yourself".

Well, I didn't know I was "accepting of myself" before that and I certainly wasn't after. Took me years of subtle editing of my nose with Photodiva before I decided I didn't want to care anymore.

This does not still sting, it makes me ;laugh really.

I wish I had your confidence not to care about my appearance.

Thanks 😊 if you are also a medic I hope it’s treating you well xx

I agree with PPs that worrying about image and these kinds of comments isn’t new, if anyone has read Anne of Green Gables (I know it’s fiction but still) Marilla remembers a comment made to her as a child so people were thinking about these things way back in 1880 or whenever it was set.

@Deathraystare I would have been equally upset if a woman had said that too me. I was married at the time so wasn't upset that he didn't find me attractive. It's upsetting that anyone can just out of the blue say something so horrible to someone.