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Original poster

There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

621 replies

Asher09 · 06/03/2024 05:26

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

OP posts:
Hagpie · 07/03/2024 19:37

Santina · 07/03/2024 19:27

You sound like my vile daughter in law, my son will be aloud to come to see me once she has gone to bed, after spending the day with her mum again. I'll just get an hour about 9 at night. I hope your children see the selfish example you are setting and treat you exactly the same when they are older. You will deserve it for the way you are behaving.

Anything else and I would have failed as a mum. Your kid is doing great! Making Mother’s Day about the mum of the house well done 😁

Mintchocco · 07/03/2024 19:37

I don't see how this is ever an argument.

everyone should see their own mother on mothers day if that's what they want.

Mintchocco · 07/03/2024 19:39

And of course you are within your right on Mothers day to want to see your own mum and the children who you mother too. The clue is literally in the name.

He can do what he wants on fathers day.

Original poster
Asher09 · 07/03/2024 19:40

Santina · 07/03/2024 19:27

You sound like my vile daughter in law, my son will be aloud to come to see me once she has gone to bed, after spending the day with her mum again. I'll just get an hour about 9 at night. I hope your children see the selfish example you are setting and treat you exactly the same when they are older. You will deserve it for the way you are behaving.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe you could be a shitty MIL?

If you didnt raise such a doormat of a son then he'd be coming to you on MD as he pleases?

And yes I do hope my DS AND DD see the example I'm setting of not bending over backwards or self sacrificing my needs for others on ONE day - ONE DAY! If my kids did to me what I'm doing right now, I would have raised them right because you CLEARLY have not read my posts.

Stop projecting and get off my post.

OP posts:
Cornflakes44 · 07/03/2024 19:40

I don't understand the hostility on this post. Are a lot of posters resentful MILs who want full access to grandchildren on Mothers Day? How is it entitled and selfish to want to spend Mother's Day with your own kids and your own mother? She not saying her husband can't spend the day with his mother. Why must OP do what she doesn't want to do so DH and MIL get what they want. What does that say about her position in the world?

HansSolo22 · 07/03/2024 19:42

Do you really need a whole day with just your children for Mother’s Day though? I understand having some special time, a meal or a walk or whatever, but a whole day exclusively for you seems a bit excessive, especially as there are other people who want to see you/your children. But then it’s my first Mother’s Day without my mum and I’d do anything to have such things to argue over.

Original poster
Asher09 · 07/03/2024 19:44

Hagpie · 07/03/2024 19:37

Anything else and I would have failed as a mum. Your kid is doing great! Making Mother’s Day about the mum of the house well done 😁

Show quote history

THIS!!! If my DS ever said he's not seeing me on MD because he's making it special for the Mother of his kids.. I'd be so so proud - regardless of what my relationship is like with my DIL.

My god we've got some BITTER MILS on here.

OP posts:
CrazyHedgehogLover · 07/03/2024 19:46

I don’t understand what the problem is here? Can’t you just break the day up.. pop and see his mum with the children for a couple of hours.. after all the “mother in law” term comes from somewhere? It’s literally just popping there, having a brew and a natter letting her see the kids for a couple of hours and then you could go and visit your mum for a couple hours.. then spend the rest of the day chilling out, watching films and have a takeaway as a family!

it doesn’t need to be made into such a big deal, this Mother’s Day we’re dropping off my MILs stuff in the morning, then popping in to my mums on the way through and the rest of the day I’ll spend with my children.. there doesn’t need to be such a song and dance.. compromise on both ends.. we do it like this every year so then any disagreement about it etc won’t happen as it’s all completely fair.

i do agree with him that MIL should be able to see the grandchildren just for a couple of hours, it’s not a lot to ask really 🤷‍♀️.

OhmygodDont · 07/03/2024 19:46

Santina · 07/03/2024 19:27

You sound like my vile daughter in law, my son will be aloud to come to see me once she has gone to bed, after spending the day with her mum again. I'll just get an hour about 9 at night. I hope your children see the selfish example you are setting and treat you exactly the same when they are older. You will deserve it for the way you are behaving.

You mean your son priorities his wife and children over you. That’s a problem you might have with your son. But unless she’s abusing him, it’s his free will when and if to come see you.

Disappeared · 07/03/2024 19:46

he takes the kids to his mums you and your mum go go out for drinks and food

SoOriginal · 07/03/2024 19:48

If you had just said that you want to spend each year with your children and your husband is free to spend the day each year with his mum, then I would have said YANBU... BUT there is something quite unfair about your mum seeing the grandkids each year and your MIL being left out, I expect this is your DH issue.

OhmygodDont · 07/03/2024 19:52

SoOriginal · 07/03/2024 19:48

If you had just said that you want to spend each year with your children and your husband is free to spend the day each year with his mum, then I would have said YANBU... BUT there is something quite unfair about your mum seeing the grandkids each year and your MIL being left out, I expect this is your DH issue.

But his father and as a by product get them every Father’s Day..

Ops mother only gets them on Mother’s Day if op decides to visit as a by product of her wanting to spend her day Mother’s Day with her children. Its not a slight it’s a mum spending a day how she wishes with her children.

Same thing happens when on mat leave, mils complain that the other gp is getting more time… yeah because she’s having a coffee with her mum, not because she’s gone purely to take the children/baby to her mum, just the children are with her. If you didn’t have a pop in coffee chat relationship before babies with your dil you can’t magically expect one once babies arrive. If your dil didn’t spend Mother’s Day with you pre children you can’t suddenly expect her to once she has children.

Bernardo1 · 07/03/2024 19:52

nappyvalley2024 · 06/03/2024 05:32

I do think you are being a bit unfair. It all seems to be about your feelings and wants. Have you thought about how your MIL might feel?

This!

Bernardo1 · 07/03/2024 19:52

Agree.

Jumpers4goalposts · 07/03/2024 19:56

Send DH and kids around to MIL’s for breakfast while you have a lovely chill out and lay in, then spend the day together with or without your mum.

phoenixrosehere · 07/03/2024 19:58

HansSolo22 · 07/03/2024 19:42

Do you really need a whole day with just your children for Mother’s Day though? I understand having some special time, a meal or a walk or whatever, but a whole day exclusively for you seems a bit excessive, especially as there are other people who want to see you/your children. But then it’s my first Mother’s Day without my mum and I’d do anything to have such things to argue over.

Why is it excessive when her mum and MIL will be seen the day before?

I’m really struggling to understand why some posters have an issue with OP wanting to spend actual Mother’s Day with her kids considering they’re only 2 yo and 7 months.

It’s Mother’s Day, OP is their mother and she wants to spend it with them. She has spent her first and second with her mum and MIL and now she wants to spend it with just her young children this year. Why is that such an issue?

MdNdD · 07/03/2024 20:02

Mother’s Day etc shouldn’t be dictated by a specific day in the calendar that Tesco wants us to buy chocolates and cutesy pjs.

If the date is important to you, why don’t you create your own family events to celebrate - like Grandmother's Day, just for his mum.

He will never understand that she is not your children’s mother, from what you have said. He’s being a bit of a childish d’k it seems. You cannot also expect him to have the same values that you do around Father’s Day. Just because you prioritise him, sadly you can’t expect him to prioritise you (in my experience).

She might enjoy a special day in the calendar just for her.

i’m a divorced single mum. I don’t bother with Mother’s Day, at all, if I ever showed any care for it, my ex husband would be straight to court to ensure his mother got alternate mothers days and his girlfriend got the other!

Original poster
Asher09 · 07/03/2024 20:08

HansSolo22 · 07/03/2024 19:42

Do you really need a whole day with just your children for Mother’s Day though? I understand having some special time, a meal or a walk or whatever, but a whole day exclusively for you seems a bit excessive, especially as there are other people who want to see you/your children. But then it’s my first Mother’s Day without my mum and I’d do anything to have such things to argue over.

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

No I dont need the whole day at all and appreciate how much me and the GC are loved... its more about the expectation every year of having my kids see my MIL. I make the day before super special for her, she sees the kids then. I encourage my DH to see her on MD so she doesn't feel neglected. All I ask in return is that my plans and desires be a priority. I ask for a little understanding from my DH when I DO want my kids around.

Every year my wants and needs will change. Some years just me and the kids, some years just us and my mum, some years no kids, and yes some years my MIL - the issue is just a lack of understanding and the crazy expectation.

OP posts:
ftp · 07/03/2024 20:09

Solution 1: Be mum on mother's day, sending flowers, and do the visits on grandmother's day
Solution 2: Get hubby to do a big pot of something and have MIL, SIL and mum all over to yours
Solution 3: If yo live close enough, you ALL go to one for brunch and the other for afternoon tea. SIL will just have to fit in - if she is single the she gets to adjust

Original poster
Asher09 · 07/03/2024 20:22

MdNdD · 07/03/2024 20:02

Mother’s Day etc shouldn’t be dictated by a specific day in the calendar that Tesco wants us to buy chocolates and cutesy pjs.

If the date is important to you, why don’t you create your own family events to celebrate - like Grandmother's Day, just for his mum.

He will never understand that she is not your children’s mother, from what you have said. He’s being a bit of a childish d’k it seems. You cannot also expect him to have the same values that you do around Father’s Day. Just because you prioritise him, sadly you can’t expect him to prioritise you (in my experience).

She might enjoy a special day in the calendar just for her.

i’m a divorced single mum. I don’t bother with Mother’s Day, at all, if I ever showed any care for it, my ex husband would be straight to court to ensure his mother got alternate mothers days and his girlfriend got the other!

Yes I completely get what you're saying!
.... I'm sorry that you have to deal with such issues with your ex husband and hope you get some nice MDs when you want x

OP posts:
Harry12345 · 07/03/2024 20:24

ettieb · 07/03/2024 18:24

I really hope you have a son and that his wife thinks like you. Your poor DH and MIL. You are sooo unreasonable

Wtaf, how is it a shame for them? I’m so confused!

Original poster
Asher09 · 07/03/2024 20:28

Jumpers4goalposts · 07/03/2024 19:56

Send DH and kids around to MIL’s for breakfast while you have a lovely chill out and lay in, then spend the day together with or without your mum.

Yes I do like this idea - defo one for the coming years!

OP posts:
Islandgirl68 · 07/03/2024 20:35

I don't under stand why he needs the kids to go to see their granny on Mothers day. You are a mother too and your kids should be spending the day with you. He can pop to his mum and visit her. You could visit both mums quickly in the morning, then the rest of the day is your's.

Noicant · 07/03/2024 20:38

Santina · 07/03/2024 19:27

You sound like my vile daughter in law, my son will be aloud to come to see me once she has gone to bed, after spending the day with her mum again. I'll just get an hour about 9 at night. I hope your children see the selfish example you are setting and treat you exactly the same when they are older. You will deserve it for the way you are behaving.

If your son doesn’t want to see you on mother day thats on him not her. People spend the day with their mothers. In OP’s case her children spend time with her and she spends time with her mother. Her MIL is neither her mum nor her children’s mum.

I don’t understand why it’s anymore complicated than that.

puzzledout · 07/03/2024 20:42

No I dont need the whole day at all and appreciate how much me and the GC are loved... it's more about the expectation every year of having my kids see my MIL. I make the day before super special for her, she sees the kids then. I encourage my DH to see her on MD so she doesn't feel neglected. All I ask in return is that my plans and desires be a priority. I ask for a little understanding from my DH when I DO want my kids around.

How many times has she seen the kids on ND?