There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

This seems like the obvious solution. Enjoy a lunch together (or brunch or afternoon tea or dinner) and then you have the rest of the day to yourselves.

Everyone who suggests everyone gets together for lunch: what about siblings?

In my family it would be me, DP, our children, my mother so then obviously my dad too, his parents; so already we’re at 6 adults and 2 children. But between us we’ve got 3 siblings all with children, so another 3 adults and 6 children – but then if they’re bringing the children their MILs will need to come too, and therefore their partners (and the MILs’ partners!), so that’s another 9 adults, but then also the MILs’ other children, who also have partners and children who also have… etc etc. My SIL is handy as she has one childfree sibling, but BIL’s sister is married to a man with nine siblings, best book a few extra tables for lunch.

Instead of booking an aircraft hanger and a buffet for 317 people and providing name tags for the various mothers for what’s meant to be a simple day, isn’t it easier that OP’s kids see their mum, OP sees her mum, and DH sees his mum? And his mum sees her grandchildren literally any other day of the year than the one day that’s meant to be OP’s choice? OP’s mum is seeing her grandchildren as a side effect of OP seeing her mum, rather than a deliberate up yours to the MIL.

What is all this?
Mother’s day is a completely
commercial non event.
I don’t hear anything from, let alone see my children or grandchildren on that day and it’s no problem at all.
Free yourselves - ignore Mother’s Day!

Not practical for everyone of course but in the OP’s case it doesn’t sound an unfeasibly large number of people. I do agree that people make far too much of the day itself rather than the sentiment behind it. Whether you meet up on the Saturday or Sunday (or a totally different day of your choosing), the point is you spend some time with your mum (or mother figure), with or without the rest of the family. That’s the relationship being celebrated, not the grandparent-grandchild one.

Why does your poor dad not get a look in on fathers day?

I swear to god that people on this site have lost the ability to fucking read. OP, you have the patience of a saint to still be reading and replying to the constant repetition of suggestions you've already considered and that don't address the fundamental issue of your husband wanting to have control of both Mothers and Fathers Day! And his seeming inability to do anything with his own mum unless you and his sister are involved.

@Dontshootthemessengers the OP's DH wants a meet up involving his sister etc. Then to go on the day with the children. His Mother gets two Mother's Day. Both of them have siblings.

@Asher09 you've had some ridiculous replies on here. This is your DH's issue, as you say, your MIL isn't bothered. I do childcare for my DD and I won't be giving up my weekend because I see enough of them! I think that you need to bring up father's day and reiterate that these years don't last long and as you work, you want the opportunity to have a day with your very small children. No day should be set in stone. Christmas, Easter, Birthdays and M/F day etc.

Once we had children Mother’s Day became more about us, as in me, husband & child.

The Saturday we both spend with our own mothers taking them out for lunch etc and alternate taking our DS.

Then on the Sunday it’s just the 3 of us.

it works for us, it may not work for everyone. We are both super close with our mums and one lives local and the other an hour away so we could never really do both in one day without it becoming a bit stressful.

Sorry but I think it is unreasonable of you. Why can't he have the kids with him to visit his mother on Mothers Day and you spend the day with your mum however you please.! It should be year about. Alternatively. You could all meet together for a Mothers Day Lunch.. Celebrate all being mum's together?

Because she is her children's mother and it's mothers day and she wants to be with her children...…

Massively confused at the issue here and why you're getting some of the replies that you are... why on any planet would your MIL need to spend Mother's Day with your children?! They're not her children and she's not their mother, why would this even be a consideration 😂 why on earth should you do as others have suggested and alternate Mother's Day at your mother's house and your MIL, she is literally none of your mothers! YOU may or may not want to spend the day with YOUR mother (totally your choice), your children will want to spend the day with you (as you're THEIR mother), and it doesn't remotely sound like you're stopping DH spending the day with MIL (who is HIS mother) I don't think I've ever been so confused as to why people would think you're being unreasonable, my only answer is that the people making these comments are overbearing and nightmarish MILs themselves. I have a son and when he's old enough to have a family I can't think of anything more embarrassing than having him cart his wife's children off to my house on Mother's Day, I would send him home and ask him why he has brought someone else's children to spend that day with me! Sorry but I just genuinely can't get my head around some of these replies

I literally don't know one person who would insist on their children seeing their grandparents on Mother's Day. It's massively weird. It's exactly like if say "Grandparent's Day" was a thing and a mother insisting on spending that particular day with their child. Weird.

100% this!

Why does OP need to grow up? By wanting to spend Mother's Day with her children?

What example? That a mother would like to spend Mother's Day with her children? God forbid 😂

So so glad I am not the only one completely bemused by this!!

THIS!!!! 😂

You are not being unreasonable at all here and I think a lot of posters have completely misread what you are saying. You are not telling him not to visit his mum on Mother’s Day or that it has to be about your mum, your saying when it comes to your kids it should be about YOU, and you are completely right. It is NOT grandmothers day, it is Mother’s Day, and YOUR children should be with you. If he wants to see his mum on Mother’s Day he can, but by the same logic you should get to have your children with you.

This with bells on!! The MIL’s can have their sons on mothers days, the same way the DIL’s can have their children!

Mother's Day is not a day made up by Hallmark or anyone else for commercial purposes (although they may have hijacked it somewhat!). It is part of the CofE church calendar and has been since the 16th century if Google is to be believed.

Cwymyoy - I've literally never done that, I must be abnormal then

Much as Mother’s Day seems to be very important to you AND to your DH, I think this isn’t about that at all. It’s about you and DH not making the time to understand where the other is coming from and reach an agreement that works for both of you. Sit down and talk about each of your core needs and priorities and why they are important to each of you. And come up with workable ideas and solutions together. I think you are taking the approach that it’s YOUR day and his needs can’t be considered, but that’s not working. He clearly has placed a high importance on Mother’s Day and maybe not so much on Father’s Day (probably because of his own family of origin dynamics).

You’re saying, ‘I get my day, you get yours.’

He’s saying, ‘You’re not hearing me. I care about what happens on Mother’s Day.’

Annoying as it is for you, maybe if you show more curiosity, you can find out more about why he feels the way he does and find a way forward.

You sound unfair OP.. yes you are a mum now so mothers day is for you too BUT you need to consider DH's feelings, his mums circumstances etc. I mean is DH mum mobile? Your mum works, does his? Your mum sounds great still working etc so surely your mum can visit you and the kids for a change or how about you all - (you, DH, MIL, kiddie(s) and your mum) all have a nice little informal gathering at your house?

That kills Two birds with one stone and DH will be happy about his mum getting to see HIS child(ren) they are half his which you seemed to have forgotten referring to them as "my kids" which i found a little disturbing but at least all 3 of you mothers can all be spoilt by DH and the children together!! YABU and a tad bit selfish

That is what happens but OP’s husband seems to think the DC shouldn’t be with their mother on Mother’s Day…. Of course the rules change on Father’s Day though!