There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

MD

It’s Mother’s Day not Grandmothers day… you see your mum, he sees his mum, then you get to spend a little time doing what you would like. Tell him to bore off, when the children have ripped their way out of his vagina he can decide.

I really wonder what all these mums and MILs and grandmothers would do if their kids lived further away and couldn't visit them for Mother's Day.

PS - some of us have birthdays in March, and therefore they often fall on Mother's Day. Surprisingly often.

As for Grandparent's Day I have always ignored its existence.

Ha ha!

Thank you, I didn’t mean to jump on and criticise you, we’re all different and all want different things. I guess I’m just a bit sensitive this year about it all! Whatever you do, I hope you have a wonderful day. And that goes to everyone still lucky enough to spend it with their mums ❤

Loosen up fgs, I think you’ve turned Mother’s day into a stressful monster. Sit down and think about what Mother’s Day actually means. God help you when something actually stressful happens in your life.

It’s ridiculous how many people are pro husband on this.

Your husband can go see his mother for Mother’s Day. She would like to see your kids on Mother’s Day too? Pfft.

You don’t need to go see her as she’s not your mum, you can see yours and obviously you have the right to spend the day with your kids too as YOU are a mother too and this day is all about mothers and their children.

You’re allowed to feel exactly how you feel and if anything, you’re actually being beyond fair, even using your precious time (being a mum is hard) to go with him to see MIL.

As he values this day so much to cause a fight over it to prioritise seeing his mum AND for her to see the grandkids, he should also have some empathy for his partner who is also the mother of his children. I hope he brings you a gift or flowers or just something special for you for being a mum as your kids can’t do it until they’re older.

wtf is the point of having a partner then? Just to breed offspring? consideration and respect are the foundations of a relationship so you have every right to be a bit p’d off.

You should take your own advice and loosen up including the many posters who are resorting to name-calling and ridiculing OP.

All this because a woman wants to spend Mother’s Day with her 2 yo and 7 mo. OP isn’t planning to do this every year.

Good grief. For the many who say they don’t care, you all are putting out a lot of unnecessary energy to begrudge someone who does.

Mils from hell of the future 😂

Your husband is being childish. He can see his mum while you see your mum. If it's a special day for you, take the kids with you, after all it's mother's day and not grandparents day! Your MIL can see the grandchildren any other day. I would do this first thing in the morning so I could enjoy lunch with my DH and my DC. It's your day as well, so don't let him think that it's all about his mother. For me, it's mother's Day every day since my DD was born, I don't make a big deal about the day really, but my husband always make sure to do something nice for me with my daughter after seeing his mum in the morning or on the previous day. You need to break this cicle

I've never really thought about the element of children seeing their grandparents on mothers / fathers day. But I do know that we do make these days all about our mums / dads, rather than ourselves.

Not to say that what you want is wrong, but we never know much longer our parents will be around...and we will hopefully (!) have many, many more years with our children

Your DH is out of line. You can spend Mother's Day with your children. He can spend Mother's Day with his actual mother. Your MIL is not your children's mother, fgs, why does he think she gets to see them at your expense??

If it means so much to him, he can take his mum, your mum and you out to Sunday lunch with your kids and treat you all.

My grandparents didn't see us on Mother's Day and my mum and MIL didn't expect to see our children on MD either. Your DH is being precious and selfish.

My thought exactly! You would have thought it was Christmas 🥴🤣 on top of it all it's MOTHERS DAY. Spend it with your kids and your mom. Your kids spend it with you as you are THEIR mom and you spend it with your mom as she is YOUR mother. He can spend it with his mom. She's got a daughter as well so her kids can spend it with her. I'm so baffled as to how this is an issue. 1st world problems. My best mother's day is getting breakfast in bed from the kids and DH, then everyone leaving me to do exactly what I want all day with no nagging... I live for it! My mom has the same approach as me so it's a massive win. All this infighting just sounds so stressful tbh

This.
His mum really wants to see her own son, she is his mother, after all.

You are not ''The only mum in the village'' to paraphrase the old comedy sketch .

I honestly think it's all a little pathetic. Be grateful you both have parents and arrange it when it best suits everyone.
But, don't be greedy and only see yours.
It's just a day, what's the fucking hoo-rar!!

I don’t understand people saying OP is being unreasonable. Unless she’s stopping the DH from seeing his mum. But it’s not grandparents day, it’s Mother’s Day. For me the fix in this scenario is:
DH sees his MOTHER
OP sees her MOTHER
DCs see their MOTHER (and by proxy also their grandmother - but not because she is their grandmother, but their mothers mother)
oh mother that was a lot of mothers!

I'm really surprised at the amount of hostile comments towards OP here. Are those comments from MILs by any chance? 😂 YANBU, OP. Your children and 2 years old and 7 months old. You're bound to want the day to be about you being with them, especially since you're working. They're so little. Your husband can go and see his mum, as you've already stated. I have a 6 month old DD myself and feel very lucky that my DF is making a point of taking me and our daughter out. If I wasn't still on maternity leave, I know I'd want the day to be with my daughter. Mother's Day is supposed to be about you being celebrated as a mother, and having learnt motherhood myself recently I think you bloody should be celebrated! Being a mother (and a parent in general) is wonderful but also hard work. When you feel ill, especially with young children, you have to soldier on. When you're tired, again, you just have to soldier on. For you being back at work too, with two young children?! That's bloody hard. So yeah. You should do what you want to do on Sunday. Have a lovely day with your children.

Lol, I wrote DF and realised that could be interpreted as Dear Father... I meant Dear Fiancé!

seriously - Show all the mothers in your life some affection. Your MIL hasn't stopped being a mother just because you came along.

We lived too far away from both so saw one the weekend before and the other the weekend after. Mother’s Day was just us and the kids.

Some years my dh would see his mother one evening the week before and I would do the same on another night.

Could you do this instead.

This sounds completely fair to me. Of course your children should be with you on Mother’s Day so if you want to see your mum (as she is your Mother) then why wouldn’t your children come with you? If he wants to see his mum then that is fine as she is his mother but she isn’t yours or your child’s so why would she need to see them on Mother’s Day?

In my experience, daughters in law make mother's day alllll about them which means the son is expected to not see his mother on mother's day.

What this means is that if there's a sister in law, SHE has to do all the mother's days forever because you want to make mother's day all about you.

I'm the sister, I have to do every. single. mother's day because if I don't, no one else does anything ON the day, and my mother just gets neglected.

I never, ever, get a full mother's day because sisters in law want everything to be about them. I deal with it and make it pleasant but I know why I never get a full mother's day.

Yes, YABU.

As I have sons and no daughters I guess it’s looking a bit bleak !

It's so enlightening to see others family dynamics.
My mum and late dad have always been included in Mothers and Fathers day for the GC and GGC, even if it was just an popping in for an hour with a card (mine always asked if they could make an extra hand made one when at primary school) and a small gift (we are a very close family and my parents have done a tremendous amount for the whole family which never goes unappreciated) before or after their plans for the day (if local enough at the time of course) the same obviously always goes for their other GPs too. Neither me or my siblings or any spouses/partners ever felt possessive or enraged that all our parents were included, far from it.

I'm not really here judging how others do it, merely find it intriguing the extreme battles over who sees who on occasions 🤯

This thread is just unpleasant. It takes all the potential joy and love out of the occasion.

OP you and your husband need to take a big step back from this. Work out what’s important to you both and communicate about what really matters in the bigger scheme of things.

You both are making this horrid and some compromise is needed. It really doesn’t have to be like this.