There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

To be fair @Everythinggreen you have expressed how very close your family are, which is great. You also stated that your parents have done a huge amount for you. Again, this is amazing. However, it shouldn't be enlightening or mind-blowing to know, that it isn't always clear-cut for everybody. Relationships are unique, different with varying levels of involvement, dysfunction, etc. Your family sound wonderful, but a lot of people do not have the fortune of those dynamics.

Same, same. I read threads like this and think exactly the same, cos you just never know.

The OP doesn't express any dysfunction, in fact she stated she does like MIL, just appears not on Mothers Day specifically.
When someone does have a turbulent relationship on the daily it's understandable, but most of these threads are not about that. It's only issues on specific occasions.

In my experience, daughters in law make mother's day alllll about them which means the son is expected to not see his mother on mother's day.

OP is not doing that though! She has said repeatedly that her DH can see his mother if he desires on Mother’s Day. She is not stopping him from seeing his mother whatsoever.

There is a ridiculous amount of projection and a major lack of reading comprehension which is a bit depressing considering the age group.

Btw, the SIL in OP’s post is the one that her DH plans things around so not the same thing.

See your mum the day before.

Have a breakfast in the morning with your children and send him off to his mum's with the kids the rest of the day while you have some time to yourself and do something you enjoy.

But he does all the arrangements and mental load and deals with his sister and mum. You don't get involved at all.

On father's day you do the same, breakfast with him then off to your dad's with the kids.

Make sure you match the effort he puts in to arranging your MD breakfast exactly.

That's what I'd do but I'm a petty bitch ha ha

Wow fancy Mother’s Day being about what a mum wants & not a dad …
Even on Mother’s Day women are supposed to bend over backward to please a man!

This is the most sensible comment I've read so far!
I imagine Hallmark make a healthy profit out of mothers day - as do florists, places which do afternoon tea etc etc - there's a big commercial element to it. But if your mother-in-law is kind enough to help with childcare so that you can work I'd think it worth finding a way to show your appreciation to both the grandmothers.

I would simply tell him that it’s MOTHERS DAY… that the children will be spending MOTHERS DAY with their MOTHER!!
He is welcome to spend Mother’s Day with his mum and you will pop and see your mother….. but the kids come with you because it’s Mothering Sunday and not grandparents day!!

Or put it to him that if the kids are going with him on Mother’s Day then they will also be going with you this year on Father’s Day to see your dad!!

if Mother’s Day is shared 3 ways then so is Father’s Day!!

I always made a fuss on Father’s Day and it was never returned…. I vowed to put the same effort into Father’s Day and birthdays as I got for mine……. Which was absolutely nothing!!… although I couldn’t actually bring myself to not bother at all, so always bought a token gift and cards …
Sadly a lot of men seem to prioritise themselves. Yours seems to think that because you’re not his mum he doesn’t have to put in any effort for you

But she is making it all about her.

"Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that."

According to the post, her mother in law can be celebrated the day before mothers day, not alternating, not sharing the burden of the actual day.

Her own mother celebrated ON the day and herself ON the day. Yes she's given permission for her husband to see his mother but he's not allowed to take his children. Ugh!

Why are people saying that op is being unreasonable? If my kid has children with a woman when they grow up I'd hope that they would appreciate them and create a mother's day for them rather than me. I've had lots of wonderful mothers days with my child and husband,and i'd want that for them too.

Surely you go to see your mother on Mothers’ Day with your children, and your husband goes to see his mother alone. Then on Fathers’ Day he takes the kids to see his dad and you go to see yours alone? I thought that’s how it’s supposed to work?

Why should he take the children though? It’s Mothers’ Day, not Grandparents’ Day. Children spend the day with their own mothers, and if none of your children are mothers themselves then you can’t expect to spend the day with your grandchildren.

The OP is being petty. Mother's day means a nice morning, some gifts and perhaps breakfast in bed. It should be fun. After that there are things to do. If OP wants the WHOLE day to be ALLLL about her well, the word princess comes to mind.

I’m firmly in the “mothers of young children get priority on Mothers’ Day” camp, and really your DP should be centring you, and not his mother.

I appreciate that not everyone agrees the above, and thinks all mothers are equal on the day, but in this case nobody is stopping OP’s DP from seeing his mother.

Actively prioritizing grandmother, over mother, on Mother’s Day by taking the kids to grandmother, against mother’s wishes? Nope, that’s BS.

Again, the children will see MIL the day before. What is so wrong with that? They are 2 yo and 7 mo.

OP’s DH gets to do what he wants on Fathee’s Day but OP can’t on Mother’s Day this year? Why?

To you it means that. It doesn’t mean that to everyone else. You call OP petty and being a princess yet you can’t accept that others view Mother’s Day different than you? Sounds like someone is being a princess and petty and it isn’t OP.

Mothering Sunday was originally planned to honour your mother church on the middle Sunday of Lent.

Then gradually it has shifted towards celebration of your mother.

i find the whole day over commercial. I work for a supermarket and the day before MD (ie tomorrow) third worst Saturday in the year after Easter Saturday (people panic as we are closed but Tesco Express, Spar, Sainsbury’s Local etc are open) and Saturday before Xmas.

its nicer to celebrate your mother on other days than being forced by the media, retail etc. Just as the same as Valentines Day. It’s more romantic and nicer to be given random surprises other times of the year.

Also MD is busier than Father’s Day as 90% of people with one parent either alive or in contact is the mother.

I get told off by my mum if I buy more than a card.

Lost my grandmother last month and fed up with my email inbox clogged up with ideal Mother’s Day gifts. One time it was a £850 iPad! I don’t think I have spent that much money on my mum over the years

Mil has had decades of Mother's days. Husband can see her on Mother's day or go the day before with the dc. He doesn't want the latter and OP says her husband doesn't allow OP or their dc to visit OP's dad on Father's Day.

I guess there’s another way of looking at that which is new mums have not done the 30 years of mothering.And have many more years of them to come. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s Mother’s Day, NOT grandma’s day. It’s about you and you seeing your mum, he should go and see his mum if he wishes and leave the kids out of it!!
maybe this year you could just suggest he takes the kids and sees his mum?

tbh I think it’s ridiculous that such a big thing is made of Mother’s Day on both sides. The same goes with Xmas and valentines, not worth having family feuds over?!

Mil has had decades of Mother's days.

So has OP's mum by the same logic 🤷‍♀️

And MIL is continuing to get Mother’s Day with her child, OP’s DH. OP’s mum continues to get Mother’s Day with her child, OP. Following that pattern, OP gets Mother’s Day with her children.

There needs to be compromise , I know as Mother's we want to just spend Mothers day doing what we want but really, we get to see our kids everyday. Awkward that your husband doesn't want to take his mum.out without his sister, ( not that he needs to take her out, just be there) but it's not fair on your MIL to just make it about you and your Mum either. My Mum and MIL lived 150 miles apart so I spent a few years living near my mum and then 20 near my MIL , moving back for last 5 years with my Mum ( my First Mothers day this year without My Mum 😢) so they at least both got time with grandkids over the years, Bite the bullet and just go see your MIL or let husband take them and you go see yours, Can you not go see them both on Sunday? You then need to make a planned arrangement for future years
Edited to say I spent a lot of Mothers days over years watching my lads play football So generally Mothers day went out window anyway lol

Everyone is being unreasonable. When did Mother’s Day become anything more than a badly scrawled card made at school and a posy of spring flowers? This ‘me me me’ and commercialisation sets my teeth on edge and I am a Mum! Each to his own and all, but when it causes stress and arguments, the point has been lost.

Why don’t you all go out for lunch together on Mother’s Day? Or invite both sets of parents round to you? Your children will remember these family get togethers in the future. Make sure your DH does his fair share of the prep, maybe ask people to bring a course each.