DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

I don't think people in these situations care what social services think of them they just need the help. Something has gone really wrong if people feel the need to play games or be strategic with social services. There has been a massive breakdown in trust which helps no one.

It isn’t about being strategic- if you are a good, loving mum who wants and needs support then act like that. Why would you do anything else?

I home Ed my SEND disabled kid- I removed him from school because they didn’t meet his needs, so the LA wanted to send out a safeguarding officer then a person from the home Ed team- I have nothing to hide, and provide a good education for my son- so that’s how I acted. They came, they saw, they went away happy and are actually very helpful with certain things.

Many home Ed families refuse visits (then complain when they don’t know what services are available), and the LA is suspicious about why they are being secretive and don’t let it drop- they ask for reports and it’s generally stressful for families and a waste of resources, all because of paranoia, ignorance and ideas about how things SHOULD be.

My situation wasn't a disabled child but it was very much the case that being honest and polite about our family member got us nowhere. We weren't rude or aggressive to SS but we did, after getting advice, drop the rope and refuse to engage until they stepped in. We shouldn't have had to get this advice, our honesty and willingness to work with them should have been enough.

Was it your minor child who was resident with you? Or was it an adult that they weren’t helping you with?

It was an adult and they weren't resident with any other family which obviously meant we had the option of refusing to answer calls from SS or travel to relative when we came up against the brick wall.

I do get that resources are stretched and it's easier for the SWs caseloads if a family member can just step in and provide care themselves. I think it causes a lot of tension when SS try to coerce families into inappropriate care out of desperation and it's caused a real breakdown in trust between much of the public and SS as is evidenced on this thread.

Social services in my experience always try to park the issue back with the relatives. When my elderly sibling who has epilepsy and autism lived with my even more elderly mum social services were always trying to rope me into his care plan. I remember when they wanted to get him a fall alarm as he falls out of bed most nights and falls over at least every day in the house and garden. The social worker talked me through their plan and asked if I thought it was a good idea. I said yes, sounds great, but who will it alert when he falls? The answer was me!!! I said no, I'm not doing that so why don't you put your private mobile as the contact? Strangely she wasn't keen on this..

Yeah, that is a completely different situation that doesn’t really translate.

The op has PR for her daughter, that responsibility doesn’t just disappear easily.

It does mean that I'd never take the risk of having a vulnerable family member live with me even temporarily. We no longer trust that if it wasn't working out for whatever reason that we would get any help even if the person wasn't safe. I don't think we should be abusive towards SWs but I completely get why people have to resort to difficult behaviour.

@FleurdeLiane
I'm not sure the tag 'abuser' is accurate or helpful. It serves to judge and suggests a level of intent that may not actually be present. Better to describe concerning behaviours, unsafe behaviours etc, and/or to describe the impact upon OP.

I get what you're saying, but I think the issue is that being on the receiving end feels like being abused, even if you recognise that your child isn't deliberately being an abuser.

And you feel trauma from that and are told (in our case) to try mindfulness. Is there any other situation where someone is facing daily violence where that would be the response? Try taking ten minutes out of your day to practice mindfulness to cope with being beaten up and verbally abused.

It’s an incredibly difficult situation for everyone involved. The child in question will also be given similar (daft) advice because there isn’t enough actual help available.

That’s a sensible decision.

Ah op, this sounds incredibly difficult and it sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place.

I also work in supported accommodation and honestly, places are really limited. If your dd could get a place in somewhere similar that's very structured and supported it might not be a bad thing. You could continue to be her advocate and support and love her as her parent but you'd have a proper network around her that can help navigate the challenging parts. Ideally it would also mean she has somewhere secure to live as she starts to move into adult hood. I've worked with a lot of families who waited until their child was in their 20s (and they were too elderly to manage any longer at home) to try and move their child into their own place and it's 100x more difficult and at that point more emergent because they've made the decision at crisis point instead of before.

Your dd needs a secure network and things in her own name outside of you op incase anything ever happened to you. Would it be worth speaking with the social worker about what options are out there in terms of good supported accommodation and what the pathway into that would be and what waiting lists are like? It might give you more info to make a decision on.

In terms of the lie she's told, I have no real advice only a hand hold. But please make sure you're looking after yourself and maybe availing of a support network for parents in similar positions? You deserve to be heard and supported as well op because you're dealing with so much.

I really hope this works out to the best possible outcome for you and your dd.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair - jeez, I think there must be some awful course professionals are going on to regurgitate this. Had the exact same - try and stay mindfully in the moment whilst being attacked so you expand your tolerance and can come to accept it without feeling distressed. No thanks, I'd like you/your colleagues to work with us to help reduce the violence - which I appreciate may take more time and resources than me 'mindfully' accepting it...

You clearly said that this situation may make her understand consequences when her mother has made it quite clear that her suspected autism means she does not understand consequences.

Which is the case with many people until they are hit with actual and significant consequences. But this is hardly relevant any more considering the OP’s latest updates so I don’t see how this quarrelling helps her.

If OP’s DD has ASD/ADHD she won’t magically understand consequences, no matter how significant. All that will happen is that the behaviour will escalate because she will be bewildered. Her behaviour is as a result of her needs not being met. The needs of an actual disability. The more you post, the more you demonstrate that you have no understanding of ND.

Update - had a meeting today with everyone. It’s been NFA’d and I’m so relieved and hopefully we can begin to move on.
It’s going to be telling the next time DD kicks off. We have another meeting next week on exploring the function and what additional support might be useful

Excellent news

Her DD is at home with her. And thinking SW will 'see what she is actually like' and OP will get support is naive.

Completely agree with this. These types of threads always get a tonne of posters who do not have a clue. They only know what they think 'should' happen which does not relate to reality atall.

Don’t forget about the ones who excuse everything because of additional needs and expect people seeking help to be martyrs and just accept their fate.

It's sad given how far we've come at de-normalising intimate partner abuse that women (I know some fathers are involved but a lot of the time it seems to be women) are expected to just cope with the same verbal and physical aggression from their children.

But the behaviour of children who don't have the developmental capacity to behave differently really is not the same, and I think we need to insist on this if our children are not to be grossly unfairly stigmatised and blamed.

What's not OK in the face of some families facing very significant challenges due to disability is the state saying to mothers, suck it up, you're on your own, rather than providing the myriad resources a civilised country would provide to support child development and ensure a decent quality of family life (including the quality of life of individual carers). Instead we are collateral.

I don't think it's about blaming the child with the disability but recognising that it's not a safe and acceptable situation for the carer to be in. Agree that it's like these people are just seen as collateral rather than people.

It’s a different legal and moral position, so it requires a different approach.

You can’t just kick 15 year old disabled children out- it isn’t legally ok. It’s perfectly legal to kick an abusive partner out (or to leave yourself).

Someone HAS to have legal and moral responsibility for children. That is their parents in the first instance, as it should be.

Removing that responsibility/right is a big thing- it can only be done in court by a judge- even if a child is in foster care the parents share PR with the state.

There needs to be better and more understanding and support in situations where the child is showing abusive behaviour towards the parent, but there still has to be a process of getting to the bottom of the situation, and working out what is best for the whole family.

No one actually wants to live in a world where you can just give up PR at a moment’s notice (see- the millions of women enraged because feckless men behave as though they can), or where SS can just remove and terminate PR without going through very fastidious checks and balances, otherwise the system would be open to all sorts of abuses.