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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not apologise when I meant what I said?

339 replies

MotherOfOlafs · 05/03/2024 15:02

MIL round for Sunday lunch last week, all very pleasant to start with. MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless. Until during lunch she told us about a woman she’d seen at a restaurant who had some facial hair. She then told us she’d taken a photo of this lady obviously without her knowledge and sent it to some friends who’d then ‘made some very funny comments’. She was laughing her head off while she was telling us this. To be perfectly honest it made me furious and I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.
The rest of the day was spent in silence pretty much. She now won’t speak to any of us (fine with me but DH is upset). He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable.

OP posts:
TheGreatGherkin · 09/03/2024 15:14

Good for you. I bet she has been doing this for years and has never been challenged.

RampantIvy · 09/03/2024 15:25

I'm disappointed at the number of posters sticking up for the MIL's nasty behaviour.

I'm team @MotherOfOlafs
Given the MIL's unpleasant behaviour it sounds like the radio silence is a win for the OP.

ToWhitToWhoo · 09/03/2024 15:59

YANBU. And normally I'm a believer in diplomacy; but there are some things that exceed all limits, and taking pictures of someone without their knowledge and passing these pictures around to ridicule their appearance most definitely does! It is bullying; and perhaps your speaking up about it will encourage your daughter to stand up to other teenagers who practice such forms of bullying.

saraclara · 09/03/2024 16:01

RampantIvy · 09/03/2024 15:25

I'm disappointed at the number of posters sticking up for the MIL's nasty behaviour.

I'm team @MotherOfOlafs
Given the MIL's unpleasant behaviour it sounds like the radio silence is a win for the OP.

Who is sticking up for MIL's behaviour? A few people have said that OP could have made the same point without outright calling her a bully, but I've not seen anyone say that MIL's behaviour was okay.

surreygirl1987 · 09/03/2024 16:34

saraclara · 09/03/2024 16:01

Who is sticking up for MIL's behaviour? A few people have said that OP could have made the same point without outright calling her a bully, but I've not seen anyone say that MIL's behaviour was okay.

Agreed. The MIL's behaviour was obviously unacceptable. But I believe you can call someone out on this without being nasty about it.

rollonretirementfgs · 09/03/2024 16:47

Maybe apologise for snapping but not for what you said? Explain that you would not want your daughter to be modelling such behaviour

MotherOfOlafs · 09/03/2024 17:19

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 09/03/2024 15:08

Then why post in AIBU? You clearly think you were not and are resolved in your course of action.

You've wasted everyone's time

Oh take a day off would you. It was your time to waste, nobody forced you to comment.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 09/03/2024 18:42

@MotherOfOlafs

She's not just a nasty bully but ignorant too. If she had any nous she'd be aware that there are some medical conditions which result in females growing extra hair. And what a poor example to your daughter.

You don't need to apologise, not even this:

Could you do an "I'm sorry my remark upset you" apology for the sake of DH?

but she does and I agree with PP - he's needs to support you and not apologise on your behalf. 🌹

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 09/03/2024 23:42

MotherOfOlafs · 09/03/2024 17:19

Oh take a day off would you. It was your time to waste, nobody forced you to comment.

Nobody forced you to post 🙄

WYTrio · 12/03/2024 12:28

I'm gobsmacked at all the people who seem to think calling bullying bullying is as bad as bullying.

Iwasafool · 12/03/2024 17:27

Some of us are gobsmacked that people don't know what bullying is. This isn't bullying, it is nasty/immature/unpleasant but it isn't bullying. The definition has been posted more than once.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 12/03/2024 18:12

If someone indulges in bullying behaviour, which it is quite clear OP's MiL has form for doing whatever semantic quibble there may be about this particular occasion, then she is a bully. You know, like the school bully or the bully of the fifth or someone in a pub with a reputation as a bully. Noun, not verb.

OP clearly already knew MiL was a bully because of previous verbal attacks on people for in some way not meeting MiL's exacting standards as human beings; it's just that, in her own words, OP had not realised MiL was such a nasty bully.

anon4net · 12/03/2024 18:28

@MotherOfOlafs I think you are wonderful! More bullies need standing up to. What your MIL did is not only poor form, it's abhorrent. When tweens/teens do this it leads to serious mental health issues for the victim and can end up criminal. Not okay just because someone is older.

Personally I also thank you as i have a child with a disability that is visible and this is an issue we've had many times, particularly with older people. "I just want to show my friends" no, no, you can't take a picture of my baby. It's terrible and makes me feel like people liken difference to a circus.

Iwasafool · 12/03/2024 19:30

Quibbling about the actual meaning of a word? I thought newspeak was in 1984 not 2024.

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