To not apologise when I meant what I said?

[MotherOfOlafs]

MIL round for Sunday lunch last week, all very pleasant to start with. MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless. Until during lunch she told us about a woman she’d seen at a restaurant who had some facial hair. She then told us she’d taken a photo of this lady obviously without her knowledge and sent it to some friends who’d then ‘made some very funny comments’. She was laughing her head off while she was telling us this. To be perfectly honest it made me furious and I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.
The rest of the day was spent in silence pretty much. She now won’t speak to any of us (fine with me but DH is upset). He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable.

A 'good person' does not take pictures of others in public of others for people to mock, whether or not the poor person being mocked knows about it! What is wrong with people on this site?! If a man engaged in behaviour like that everyone would be screaming about misogyny and how awful all men are. But when a woman does it, perhaps it was just a funny quirk. Good grief.

You can't sit and think about the exact wording when you're in direct conversation though.

MIL wasn't arsed about people's feelings, OP had every right to call her out on it.

Well according to the pedants you are unreasonable for using the wrong terminology, you should have said ' I didn't realise you were such a nasty piece of work' .

And don't apologise, she isn't likely to keel over because someone else has pulled her up on being such a bitch it won't be the first time

Could you say something like

"I know my comment upset you but I said it because what you did was very unkind and I couldn't bring myself to laugh about mocking a stranger's appearance on social media."

that way you don't have to apologise but you can recognise she was upset, and you're telling her why - and indirectly that you won't ever laugh at something like that. Hopefully it will stop her talking like that when she's with you.

What horrible behaviour, I am not sure that I would want her in my house anymore although I appreciate that you can't do that. Not only did she do this deeply unpleasant thing, she assumed that you would be ok with and join in having a jolly good laugh at the woman whose photo she had no right to take, let alone circulate for others to mock. Makes me wonder what other nasty stuff she gets up to or thinks is acceptable

A 'good person' does not take pictures of others in public of others for people to mock, whether or not the poor person being mocked knows about it! What is wrong with people on this site?! If a man engaged in behaviour like that everyone would be screaming about misogyny and how awful all men are. But when a woman does it, perhaps it was just a funny quirk. Good grief.

@LovelyTheresa

Why do you keep misrepresenting other people's posts?

No-one is saying anything of the kind. Who called it a 'funny quirk'?

Her behaviour was atrocious. OP's comment was not likely to address that in anyway. Calling the behaviour out is totally correct, just not in that way.

HTH.

I agree with you. If you meant it, and you're not sorry, don't apologise.

Sorry cant read all the comments but she sounds vile - absolutely do not apologise and good on you for calling out her bullying in front of your daughter. She should be apologising to the entire family.

Who cares that the OP called it out 'in the wrong way' (according to you, that is!) Not everyone can think of the perfect wording under pressure. I continue to find it bizarre that people are SO hung up on the OP's wording: what counts is that she didn't let this bullshit stand. And saying that 'perhaps MIL is a good person in other ways' is clearly nonsense, as I said.

Exactly. There are a lot of mealy mouthed hypocrites on this site.

Agree. Good for you for tackling it, but no need to make the situation worse than necessary, for your daughter's sake and her relationship with your MIL. Addressing thr behaviour not the person is important. So at school, I'd always explain to a child that his/her behaviour was not acceptable, not that he/she is not acceptable (or a bully).

You mean people who know what bully means?

Anyone who thinks your being unreasonable needs to give their head a wobble. What a horrible thing for your mil to of done to that poor woman

What the OP's MIL was doing WAS bullying. I don't care that people are unable to see that. Why are people excusing her behaviour!? It makes me wonder if you would happily do that yourselves.

It isn't excusing her behaviour. Her behaviour was awful but it wasn't bullying. She deserved to be called out for her behaviour but that doesn't mean she was bullying anyone.

I hate bullying, I have a child who was so badly bullied they were self harming and talking about suicide. I know what bullying is even if you don't.

No it wasn't. It's simple: you can't bully someone who doesn't know they're being bullied. Bullying is applying the behaviour to someone repeatedly.

The MIL's behaviour was repugnant, but not bullying.

I don't think the OP has anything to apologise about, not least because the MIL is unlikely to appreciate the distinction.

Who cares that the OP called it out 'in the wrong way' (according to you, that is!
Well, I do (it's a forum you know).

I happen to believe it was unconstructive. I'm entirely in agreement with OP's viewpoint, it is abhorrent but I stand by focusing on the behaviour & not the person.

what counts is that she didn't let this bullshit stand.

For sure it's great she challenged her but it's unlikely to have achieved anything other than make MIL feel attacked. It's possible (I don't know!) that focusing on the behaviour might have given MIL pause.

Either way, you've totally invented posts here such as posters saying it was a 'funny quirk'.

Why are people bringing up how we would speak to a child? MIL isn’t a child! And I’d love to know if the same people would be so gentle to someone who was this cruel directly to you/a friend/your child

There are a lot of mealy mouthed hypocrites on this site.

On this site? Or this thread?

Who are they? As you are sounding more and more offensive yourself, with every post.

I don't think the OP has anything to apologise about, not least because the MIL is unlikely to appreciate the distinction.

This is true, too.

@Notsuredontknow has said nothing about being gentle. The school analogy is likely to be because that is where the distinction between naming and behaviour is expected.

Why are people bringing up how we would speak to a child? MIL isn’t a child!

The principle is exactly the same. For all people - you focus on the behaviour, not the person. I do it all the time with my team in work. For a variety of reasons, but not least because it just doesn't work to call people names.

And I’d love to know if the same people would be so gentle to someone who was this cruel directly to you/a friend/your child

No-one (well, not me anyway) is advocating being gentle. You can be direct and very strong in your language. And of course if someone was directly in receipt of abuse, they'd react emotionally (that's not the point here).

To say what she did in front of adults is horrible, but you can’t get your head around an adult saying that in front of a 14 year old. Its just pathetic - I cant begin to imagine either of our Mums being so awful about other people in their older years (or ever!).

I hope she or one of her nasty friends reads this and sees how awful they are.

This site. People bend over backwards to excuse toxic female behaviour. If a man had done what MIL had done everyone would have pitchforks out. I don't care if speaking the truth is 'unpleasant'. Perhaps is is for people who can't see in front of their nose!

I think the fact that your DD was there makes it better that you stood up for your opinions and showed it's not ok