To not apologise when I meant what I said?

[MotherOfOlafs]

MIL round for Sunday lunch last week, all very pleasant to start with. MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless. Until during lunch she told us about a woman she’d seen at a restaurant who had some facial hair. She then told us she’d taken a photo of this lady obviously without her knowledge and sent it to some friends who’d then ‘made some very funny comments’. She was laughing her head off while she was telling us this. To be perfectly honest it made me furious and I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.
The rest of the day was spent in silence pretty much. She now won’t speak to any of us (fine with me but DH is upset). He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable.

She sounds horrendous, I would be keeping the kids away definitely.

She sounds really unpleasant, good for you, I wouldn’t be tolerating that in my house either. Tbh as well sometimes someones behaviour is so shocking that you don’t have exactly the right words for it. Good for your Dd as well, it show’s her that it’s ok to speak up regardless of who it is.

Wow what a vile old witch! She sounds horrible OP. I feel sad for you, I would really struggle to have a relationship with someone who behaved like that!

You were right, so I wouldn’t apologise. It’s probably not going to impact you if she chooses not to speak to you, so win win really.

What are you insinuating? That I’m to blame for this behaviour? Or enabling it? I’ve said during this thread that when she makes her usual comments we just ignore it, because it’s not worth giving it any attention. But this is different, it’s beyond talking shit to us and it’s the taking of photos without permission to share in a group for others to insult.

As someone with PCOS who gets facial hair, yes I remove it (waxing) but you have to allow regrowth before the next wax, mine more than most as it is stubborn and tough to remove, can I just say thank you, OP?

Plucking is a no go other than the odd stray hair - I'd be at it for at least an hour every day. Can't shave for obvious reasons, causes ingrown painful hairs and massive lumps in my face.

So thank you for standing up for this lady. Life with these sorts of problems really is hard enough, self esteem lowering, often painful, and to be frank, absolutely soul destroying enough without having to deal with people taking photos of us and laughing at us. We can't help it, and didn't ask for it.

You don’t think referring to her neighbours “fat arse” or strangers “disgusting thighs” as sufficiently bad enough to say something to her?

No wonder she carries on saying these vile things if those around her have hitherto just “ignored” the comments

Taking a stealthy picture in hope you would agree and be like her”oh it’s so funny”. Awful I’m glad you pulled her out she is a bully. Good on you! Bullies don’t like being called out. You are setting the standard and to be honest your daughter already has that standard through you. Go you!

This

There's a big difference about making those comments to OP and boasting about sharing an actual photo of someone with her friends, for them to mock together.

I would say "why did you think it was OK to show everyone in front of your granddaughter, who is 14 and may model her behaviour on yours? Do you think I would let that fly with you ...if i would not let her say such things?! You should be an example ...a role model...not someone who bullies strangers ...."

You are absolutely right, she is a bully and now she is trying to bully an apology out of you, don’t let her get away with it.

"MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless"

My impression is being polite makes no impact on her and an occasional stinging remark might actually get her attention.

But it also causes upset and drama.

People like OP's MIL do not change. They will use the 'bully' remark and say they were targeted and it was unfair, just a joke etc. Make your point but do not burn bridges.

from the sounds of it, she doesn't give voice to every thought that enters her head
and she is trying to form her daughter's opinion, hence speaking out.

Well her comments cause upset and drama, and why not set fire to a bridge occasionally? ‘The standard you walk past is the standard you accept’.

Good on you for calling her out and she should not be talking like that in front of your children and how nasty are her and her friends. Better off without her annoying gossipy ass at your table.

I don't think you should have called her a bully. Maybe " I don't think it's right to photograph someone without their permission MIL. It is unkind to laugh at someone behind their back about something they can't help". Then you are calling her out but not calling her names.

I’m surprised neither of you have challenged her on previous occasions and I’m not sure why you’ve essentially let her get away with such unpleasant behaviour. And I wouldn’t have called her a bully, either. I would instead have spoken up and said her actions and comments were vile and totally unacceptable.

So maybe say you were sorry you called her a bully, but you were shocked by her disgusting behaviour. And that you have had enough of it, and won’t be tolerating it any more.

Well done on pulling her up. I think more people pulled bullies up when they open their mouth and spew vile garbage, they would be more hesitant to do it.

I would never apologize to the mean old cow.

If she wants peaceful relations and she needs to contribute to keeping peaceful relations, which means keeping her trap shut.

Don't apologise. The woman sounds vile.

I’d tell husband this will be your comment to MIL & ask if he still wants you to call her!!
I wouldn’t be apologising, her behaviour is disgraceful and surely your DH can see that and doesn’t want your teenager subjected to that??
Would he also stand by and not pull her up if she was fat shaming or being racist about strangers?!?!
DH needs to leave her to sulk and when she finally calls to moan he needs to back you up and tell her she is supposed to be a role model and needs to stop with the horrible comments!!

She has behaved appallingly including being a poor role model to your DD.

You were absolutely right not to tolerate this vile attitude and if anyone is apologising it’s her.

Surely in this situation the moral high ground belongs to anyone who doesn’t take photos of a woman without her knowledge in order to share her image and make cruel comments and then report this as if it’s good fun?

@MotherOfOlafs is not responsible for her MiL’s behaviour change but she is absolutely right to let her know it’s nasty. I’m all for separating the person from their behaviour as a rule but sometimes sharpness is warranted. If the MiL is upset by being called out then perhaps she will quietly reflect on whether OP is right; she might be feeling a bit ashamed.

Absolutely not unreasonable. Don’t apologise. She’s awful! Saying something - cruel - and taking a picture and posting it to her friends is another level!