To not apologise when I meant what I said?

[MotherOfOlafs]

MIL round for Sunday lunch last week, all very pleasant to start with. MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless. Until during lunch she told us about a woman she’d seen at a restaurant who had some facial hair. She then told us she’d taken a photo of this lady obviously without her knowledge and sent it to some friends who’d then ‘made some very funny comments’. She was laughing her head off while she was telling us this. To be perfectly honest it made me furious and I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.
The rest of the day was spent in silence pretty much. She now won’t speak to any of us (fine with me but DH is upset). He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable.

YANBU for calling her out.
YABU for calling her a name. "Nasty" is really horrible word.

People who gossip do so - in a very misguided way - to create connection with others (the friends who like gossip) and to boost their ego.

You can apologise for the words you used whilst sticking to your content/conviction. You could say you find it a very disrespectful way to relate to others for examples and you're sad to notice that she engages in that sort of behaviour.

Thanks everyone for your replies!
I’ve decided I’m not going to apologise, I feel it was deserved and to me her complete radio silence speaks volumes, if she thinks she doesn’t need to back down then that’s her choice but I won’t stand for that behaviour, not in my home.

Good for you OP, she sounds unbarebly horrendous. I wouldn't want her in my home again. She is a horrible bully and she needed calling out on it!

Don't apologise. And well done for calling out shitty behaviour. I despise people who are nasty to others for entertainment.

I am going against the flow here, but I do think you could have handled this better. To call your MIL a “nasty bully” over a family Sunday lunch is a bit OTT.

You have now caused a family rift which has upset your DH. You could have said something like - it’s a bit unkind to laugh at somebody who may not be able to help their appearance. This should have closed the conversation down. You could have privately discussed this with your DD. As it is you have demonstrated to your daughter that it is reasonable to be rude to others, whereas it might have been better to demonstrate how to halt an unpleasant situation without being rude yourself.

You could get round this by saying - I am sorry I was rude to you MIL, but I do feel very strongly about mocking those who cannot respond nor yet help themselves.

Thank you so much for standing up for the lady with the facial hair and teaching your daughter that bullying is not acceptable. I've suffered from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome for decades and have a full beard. I've tried everything to get rid of it but nothing has worked. I can't shave every day because I have sensitive skin and my neck and chin get very sore if I shave too often. This means there are times I have to go out with my facial hair on show. I am really upset to think that there are adults out there who think it's okay to take secret photos of people so they can ridicule them with their friends. Perhaps you should show this post to your husband and then ask him if he still thinks you should apologise!

You had to say what you did to make a point in front of your daughter that such bullying behaviour is unacceptable and not to be tolerated. Well done.

"He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable..."

Wooooowww... SMH... how can an adult Woman be so unkind and uncompassionate... and as you say, in front of your DD14. Unbelievable... SMH again...

Absolutely not... why should you apologize... you did nothing wrong and you were a good role model for your daughter by showing her that this kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable... nobody should put up with Bigotry...

SMH... 🤷🏼‍♀️

I applaud you OP!!

mylovelytulips · Yesterday 17:37

Eas it a kind thing your MIL did? No it was horrid
But on the other hand it is not bullying. That isnt what bullying means The butt of the joke was an oblivious stranger who will never know,
You do not have to give voice to every thought that enters your head, Everyone there would have formed their own opinion on your MIL's behaviour. You could have just read the room, kept your mouth shut and not spoiled everyone else's afternoon.

this.

You do not apologise

You essentially showed up! And set an example for your daughter that this type of behaviour is NOT OK. Well done you OP! Stick to your guns and remind your DH that you want your daughter to grow up well and not be an utter bitch! He should soon come round and get over it.

MIL should apologise to you, and your daughter for being such a vile twunt about another woman. If she can't apologise then she can stay away.

I agree with your sentiment - good for you for saying it's not OK to laugh at people. Perhaps in the heat of the moment you ended up stoking conflict which took amunition from your own response. I understand why you did so because stuff like that is nasty and horrible and I imagine you felt really angry. Unfortunately you lost the moral high ground by calling MIL names - especially as someone has pointed out - it wasn't technically bullying because there has to be a victim involved for bullying. Something like -'If you can't say anything nice about someone please don't say anything at all.' 'Or really MIL that is cruel. I'm sorry I just don't find this funny. The poor woman with facial hair - it might be hard for her.' I know it's easy to think of these phrases with a cool head. You could say I'm sorry I called you a nasty bully, but I really did find what you said genuinely upsetting and offensive. For me it's not OK to laugh at people behind their backs and I don't want DD to hear this kind of stuff. I saw red when you were telling that story so couldn't tell you calmly. ' ie the message was right but maybe the tone was wrong?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, the only thing you need to do now is revel in your new legend status, your daughter will remember it forever. An apology now will only compromise that. Bravo 👏

I have PCOS and in my early 20s I had a problem with facial hair. I was deeply ashamed and had low self esteem. Then I saw that a friend had sent a text to my bf referring to me as "fat bearded bitch" amd it utterly destroyed me. For years.

Some women have taken the very brave step of embracing their excess hair and I have nothing but admiration for them.

People like your MIL are foul, disgusting people.

I think you were too easy on her and I thank you for calling her out, on behalf of all PCOS sufferers.

The victim of this disgusting behaviour could very easily find out what OP's nasty MIL has done, one of MIL's friends could very easily share it with someone else and it becomes viral worldwide just like what happened with the woman climbing in the window and her boobs fell out of her dress.

Well done OP

I agree with @ImCamembertTheBigCheese - you were very aggressive in how you went about your response and showed your DD that it's OK to be aggressive to family members you disagree with.

You should have said something like "MIL, that's really not kind behaviour, especially not something I'd want my DC copying". Instead you were quite rude, stooping almost to her level.

I'd apologise for how you delivered it, rather than for the content of what you said. Say you're sorry you were so harsh to her but in the moment you were just shocked by what she'd done and how she set such a mean example to DD.

I recall "calling out your bros" was a thing we demanded men do when they are displaying misogyny to their friends.

We absolutely should do the same when other women do it too.

1. Very few people have the perfect words to respond to unpleasant people, and put them instantaneously down, as much as you think you have in hindsight. 2) So now that you realise how uncomfortable you are, why don't you sit down discuss with MIL, now that you've thought through your point of view.

I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.

Yes you did, you had just chosen to ignore it before

MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless

He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising.

shudder

As someone who has suffered from facial hair for decades (I don't have pcos) I thank you for standing up for that poor woman. I did have laser treatment 20 years ago but that only helped for a few years. I get waxing every few weeks and now I am older the hairs are not dark so a bit less noticeable.

If I had found out that some stranger had photographed my facial hair and shared it with her friends and put it on social media I would have been totally devastated.

I don’t see how you can apologise really. That is appalling behaviour. It would be dire in a teenager. In an adult it’s breathtakingly cruel.

I spose she could argue it’s not bullying as the woman didn’t know

‘ I’m sorry I called you a bully, technically I suppose you’re just a really nasty person’

I’m not sure that’s what your DH is after..

I don’t think you have any option but to stand firm.

quite

the OP posted this in her other thread about her MIL

The issue I have is her obsession with other peoples weight. Every time we see her she makes remarks about her neighbours ‘fat arse’ or a random strangers ‘disgusting thighs’.

and unfathomably you have only decided not to ignore it when she mentioned facial hair

I agree, there are better ways to show your daughter right and wrong than calling their Grandmother names, it's lowering yourself to her level.

I have had to have words several times with my Dc's Grandparents and have let them know in no uncertain terms that I will not tolerate certain language and behaviour in earshot of the kids. But name calling is never going to have a good result, unless your goal is to limit contact.

And agree, it is not bullying, it was cruel and insensitive behaviour. Meanings are important. Accusations of bullying are used too much these days and it takes away from real bullying.