To not apologise when I meant what I said?

[MotherOfOlafs]

MIL round for Sunday lunch last week, all very pleasant to start with. MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless. Until during lunch she told us about a woman she’d seen at a restaurant who had some facial hair. She then told us she’d taken a photo of this lady obviously without her knowledge and sent it to some friends who’d then ‘made some very funny comments’. She was laughing her head off while she was telling us this. To be perfectly honest it made me furious and I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.
The rest of the day was spent in silence pretty much. She now won’t speak to any of us (fine with me but DH is upset). He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable.

My SIL is one of the most wonderful, kind people I know. She has PCOS and does shave/wax but also often has quite a bit of facial hair. I can't imagine some nasty bully of a bitch taking a picture of her to mock her to their friends.

No fucking way would I apologise and if anybody brings it up again, you say I was stating a fact - MIL is a nasty bully for doing that, it was despicable to make fun of that poor woman like that.

Your DH is being a spineless idiot for asking you to apologise. I'd be telling him to give his head a wobble and ask him why on earth he thinks you should apologise for calling up MIL on her behaviour. You did great confronting her, especially to demonstrate to your DD what is OK or not.

Do not back down.

What a dreadful thing to do to someone. It's good that you shut her down.

I hope the photo doesn't go further than her friends. She could find herself in a very difficult situation.

Explain how I wanted the moral high ground if you please?

Well you were more blunt than I would have been but YANBU. People who bully like this generally have low self esteem so like to bring down others to make them feel better about themselves. You say she does this a lot? That's a really negative influence to have around your daughter.

Because it's hurting her Dh?

This. It doesn’t sound like you’re sorry anyway! Not that you should do -she sounds dreadful

Exactly! At no point did she engage her brain or stop to think about how dreadful her behaviour was. Even after sharing, she’s proudly spreading what she’s done.

If the OP backs down she’ll just revert to being smug in her nastiness.

What about "I'm sorry you were upset that I pulled you up for being a horrible bully"? Well done for teaching your dd to stand up to nastiness, my MIL and SIL do this sort of thing, but I just bitch about it afterwards to my dd. I prefer your direct approach.

Your MiL sounds horrible and so do her friends. Well done for setting the example to your daughter that bullies must be called out.

Half of me would be tempted to do an apology that is actually a dig. Something like “I’m sorry you were upset to hear that taking pictures of strangers to laugh at their bodies is nasty bullying”. But it isn’t going to help and would likely only make things worse. So no I would not be apologising.

Also, if she generally behaves like a nasty bully then I'd be going very low contact with her and protecting your DD from her. If your DD is a teen, imagine if she is self-conscious about something and then MIL makes a nasty comment, what will that do to her self-esteem?

Very similar situation here. A friend’s husband was in hospital and took a photo of an older man on his ward who he said kept ‘farting’ and posted it on to his Facebook wall with some graffiti decals like ‘Sniff ‘ and ‘Stink’ over the top of the photo. A photo of a gentleman in a backless gown, at his most vulnerable.

I was so angry and responded to the post with “Taking photos on a hospital ward is not ok and you don’t know what issues this poor chap is suffering.”

He deleted his whole Facebook account and his wife (my friend) said in a private message to me: “Oh he’s really upset, maybe you shouldn’t have said that in public.” I responded: “I responded in public because he posted in public, how would you feel if that was your grandfather?”

He’s since reinstated his Facebook and not added me a friend to his account, just as well as I am not keen to be a moral guardian for people who make fun of older people. Or anyone for that matter.

You’re not wrong, but sometimes it’s hard to be in the ‘this isn’t a joke’ corner, hang on in there, sometimes people need to have the mirror held to their face.

No he’s just had years of her slime in one ear or the other.
She once made a comment about me putting on weight and he shut that down straightaway. I didn’t really give a toss as I had put on weight lol

I'd say:
"MIL, you told me that in front of your 14 year old granddaughter. This kind of social media shaming is what teenage girls do. I don't want her thinking that it's acceptable and I'd be horrified if a gang of girls shared photos of her with nasty bullying comments.. Teenagers have taken their lives because of this kind of bullying. So I can't apologise for what I said. DD needed to hear it"

Sara that is exactly what the ops mil should be told.

Laughing at someone’s appearance and actively taking photos and sharing it with other people to make fun of them is vile and disgusting and is setting awful examples to your children. You were correct to call her out.

But she’s not sorry her remark upset her (rightly so!) so why would she say that?
If a child displayed this kind of behaviour and you pulled them up in it you then wouldn’t apologise to the child for telling them off

If she said anything to DD she wouldn’t have a head left on her shoulders.
To be honest she wouldn’t dare as DH isn’t DDs dad so there’s a fine line there I guess.

I'd say this but also add in "you should be ashamed of yourself for taking the photo, sending it onto your friends and making fun of that poor woman".

Perhaps it hurts OP that her grown up husband can't stand up to his mother!

This is the only thing she deserves to hear.

A passive aggressive apology serves no useful purpose. ’

Bloody hell. I’m not sure I would have found my voice for shock - I think you reacted very well especially as your daughter was there.

Brene Brown writes how damaging humiliation is and how important it is to stand up when we see it. Your MIL was being disgusting and it did need calling out .

Just wanted to say that DD is DH’s stepdaughter. They don’t have a grandmother/granddaughter relationship but they are friendly to each other

So bullies shouldn’t be called out because they won’t change their behaviour, so what you suggesting just leave all the bullies to go around doing as they please and no consequences?