To not apologise when I meant what I said?

[MotherOfOlafs]

MIL round for Sunday lunch last week, all very pleasant to start with. MIL always has a lot of comments about others appearances which we tend to ignore as rising to it just seems pointless. Until during lunch she told us about a woman she’d seen at a restaurant who had some facial hair. She then told us she’d taken a photo of this lady obviously without her knowledge and sent it to some friends who’d then ‘made some very funny comments’. She was laughing her head off while she was telling us this. To be perfectly honest it made me furious and I replied ‘I didn’t realise you were such a nasty bully MIL’.
The rest of the day was spent in silence pretty much. She now won’t speak to any of us (fine with me but DH is upset). He’s asked if I’ll consider apologising. I honestly don’t think I should, especially as this all went on in front of DD14 and I would never want her to think this behaviour is excusable.

She's a "nasty bully" all the time? Or was what she did an example of behaviour that was nasty, and bullying ?

To call someone -to define someone in the way you did - as a "nasty bully" is itself nasty unhelpful and divisive. Your MIL will simply shut down to evade and deny your judgement of her.

Explain why the behaviour was "nasty" and "bullying" and she just might listen think and change.

Name calling is NOT "calling out" the behaviour". It is the opposite. Call out THE BEHAVIOUR not the person and you might just get somewhere

If your MIL was able to see facial hair on someone seated on another table it must have been very visible, actually I am not sure I believe this could happen. If it is true that makes that woman’s situation all the more distressing and the comments all the more unpleasant.

If there is any apology due it’s from your MIL but in your shoes I would be using this incident to cease contact if that behaviour isn’t unusual and let your DH visit her

This! Spot on Enko, I think you need to consider the relationship your DH and dd have with her even if you don’t care about your own. You were absolutely correct to pull her up it was an awful spiteful thing to do but you could have been a bit more diplomatic on behalf of your family. Although I get that it just happens in the moment and once it’s out you can’t unsay it.

OMG! I cannot believe that people are nitpicking the OP on word choice or the fact she didn't call it out before.

Sometimes we put up with family and their bad traits until we cannot any more, or they cross a line. Admittedly, a line in our own heads, but we all have them.

And getting your words perfect in the heat of the moment is nigh on impossible.

OP, well done. I think if you had called out the behaviour, not called her a bully, some people would still find SOMETHING you did wrong or could've done differently.

I think you did the right thing. And in the right way.

Hey. Maybe just say you were on the fence about apologising, but only for DH sake and not because you thought it was the right thing to do. Therefore you were conflicted and so asked Mumsneters for their advice who overwhelmingly said you were in the right. If she asks you can share the thread and reactions to your post.

So she thinks it’s funny laughing at people like me! One day I hope she is the one who’s the butt of the joke. I’m not a mean person at all usually because I know exactly what it feels like, it’s painful and it’s embarrassing, but what makes it even worse is when I was out with my 3 year old grandson and a group of middle aged women pointing it out rather loudly and laughing about it, then trying to explain to my grandson how sometimes people aren’t very nice about other people but that was their problem and not grandma’s fault.

I really feel sorry for you having to put up with a family member who is a bully and I for one, thank you for pulling her up about it.

one is vile
the other is positively sickening

most people wouldn’t ignore either

How old is your MiL? Most people over 50 get some sort of facial hairs. Perhaps she's suffering from this herself and takes inordinate measures to keep hers in control

This! My daughter has pcos too and if I ever caught anyone mocking her or taking pictures of her, I would lose my shit. Big time.

I hope you don’t ever do this. Absolutely not.

you have nothing to apologise for! In fact MIL should apologise for setting such a bad example in front of your 14 DD, and your husband should apologise to you and your daughter for having to put up with that crap for so long. By calling out MIL’s bullying you have given your daughter a wonderful example of how to be a good person and not tolerate cruelty and bullying. MIL not welcome until she apologises and means it.

You could apologise by saying I’m sorry if I upset you, I can’t control what you talk about with your friends, but it’s important that our children know it is completely unacceptable for them to make fun of people based on how they look or to get to tether in a group to make fun of people so I had to say something to make it clear to our children about how they should behave’

not sure it’ll get you out the doghouse though! 😂

Absolutely do not apologise Well done for not continuing to ignore her vile behaviour which she has escalated You have taught your daughter a valuable lesson in the process!

What on earth would be the point of me making this up? You can see from other peoples stories on this thread that this does indeed happen. God what a weird thing to say!

I’m so sorry this happened to you x

Although, as I've already said, I agree with the OP for calling out her MIL's nasty behaviour, the manner in which she did this is also important for her 14 year old to witness. Calling someone out in a calm, firm but non-insulting way is way more powerful than name-calling and getting angry. That is assertive behaviour which many of us (myself included) struggle with and if her young daughter witnesses this it will be a great example for her. This is not nit-picking as some other posters have said.

I said she was potentially making it up not that you were.

Sorry that wasn’t very clear. But she didn’t make it up, as much as I was angry by it all I wasn’t surprised in the slightest

Bullies DON'T deserve having their bullying pointed out "in a nice way". OP did their MIL a favor by calling her out on her horrible behavior in a way that is sure to be remembered. Sometimes the shock of being called a bully is enough for someone to change their behavior.

Well it will be remembered but it may damage the relationship beyond repair. You can get the same message across in different ways.

You don't see any issue with burning a bridge with a MIL?

From the sound of this one, no.

See it from another point of view. The relationship was damaged beyond repair by what she said. I do not wish to continue a relationship with someone who does those kind of things. If it were a friend or acquaintance I would cut all ties. Being family doesn’t give you a pass on acting this way.

If you intended to cut her out of your life at that moment, then fair enough. If you intended to keep her in your life, then I
agree with the other poster that you could have made your point less aggressively, for the sake of maintaining a relationship (especially for your daughter).

What i dont understand though is that you day: 'I do not wish to continue a relationship with someone who does those kind of things' - fair enough- but then say 'If it were a friend or acquaintance I would cut all ties'. So... you're NOT cutting ties with her, and DO intend to maintain some sort of relationship? I don't think you can have it both ways!

Then why post in AIBU? You clearly think you were not and are resolved in your course of action.

You've wasted everyone's time