To wonder if DINKs will be more lonely when older?

[Aintbaint]

Ok, so hear me out. This isn’t an US v Them thread …
I have a lot of Double Income No Kids friends - for various reasons, mostly choice.
So for most career has been their main focus, followed by their partner… Most have been very financially comfortable, travelled a lot, able to afford holiday homes, successful work wise etc basically all the benefits of no kids!

But now we’re all in our late 40s and 50s and slowed down a bit, retired early, separated or divorced, Quite a few just seem to to have lost focus, seem a bit depressed or unhappy, and don’t have the same focal point that having kids can bring.
I stupidly thought that kids would get older and we’d have our independence back but obvs kids are always there in someways - you never stop worrying or thinking about them or doing stuff with them. So still that focal point in many ways and Indaynthat as someone who does have a FT job they like and hobbies…

YABU - of course DINKs are just as happy and not lonely etc

YANBU - it’s harder as you get older when it’s just you or you+partner and work isn’t as important or you retire

Children are no guarantee you won't be lonely in old age. Ffs.

Ask anyone who works in a care home.

My mum's best friend is 80 and has two sons. Who never bother to visit her (unless they are angling for something). Where does my mum's friend spend Christmas every year? At our house, as her son's don't bother.
Having kids isn't a guarantee that they will be there for your when your older.

There's no guarantee that having kids will mean you're not lonely. They could choose to live on the other side of the world, could be the kind of person not to contact you very often etc. Nobody can assume that they will be best friends with their kids and be in contact with them every day. Having children for your own companionship is so unfair. They need to be able to grow up and live their own lives.

Hobbies and social groups are the key. Filling some of your time is important, but also having time completely to yourself shouldn't be feared.

I have no kids of my own - one stepson but he keeps his distance (because we don't approve of his drug habits and won't let him smoke in the house and he can't take it even for the length of a visit). Me and DP have a couple of hobbies, shared and individual, which keep us really busy, don't have an age limit, and mean we have lots of friends. I can't 100% guarantee I won't have kids as I'm still of the age where I can, but I think I'm too selfish, in that I can't imagine having someone rely on me. I don't think I'd be a good mum, so I can't, in good conscience, contemplate having a child right now.

If you currently don't have hobbies and you're feeling lonely, try a knit and natter, a choir, a sports class - there are SO many things you can do, and there is no need for anyone to be lonely. Music is fabulous for socialising. Learn an instrument, it'll be the best thing you ever do!

You said it wasn't Usvthem and yet your entire OP is making assumptions about a group of people who made different choices to you.

I'm not even a DINK, I'm a SINK as my last relationship was some time ago. I am a bit lonely because of that and would prefer to have a partner. Maybe I will again, maybe I'll find peace and stay single, I don't know.

What doesn't, and never has, made me lonely is the absence of kids and that is because I have never wanted them and never will want them. I do not lack a child focus in my life because I've never wanted a child focus in my life.

I don't feel the need to do volunteering or work my arse off to serve a community that has no time for women like me. I am fulfilled enough with my quiet life, my job, my hobbies and my friends.

I have achieved a lot in my career and that pleases me. I have travelled widely and that also pleases me. I'm financially secure and own my own home. I have a dog and I love him and he brings me a lot of joy. Like a pp's sister I prefer animals to children. That does not make me selfish, none of the reasons why I don't have children involve my selfishness or lack, thereof. I'm just different to some of you and have made different choices in my life.

If parents really do want to understand the lives of childfree women then maybe the first thing to do is to stop stereotyping us and making patronising comments.

And some people will have kids and regret it too. Regret isn't confined to the childfree.

@theemmadilemma
This.

Lol no. I could do without being peri and the random bereavements but that's got nothing to do with my childed status. I can imagine that those who have got divorced would be feeling a bit depressed, who wouldn't, but again that's going to be the case for anyone regardless of if they have children or not.

Life challenges aside, we're still very into each other, and still enjoying the freedom and financial advantages that our life decisions have brought us.

From my parents friends I'd say that women seem to do perfectly well with lots of hobbies, interests, travelling, socialising and an assortment of nieces, nephews, godchildren and friend kids.

Men without seem to lean on their partner for all this. And without a partner are totally lost and tend to just drink a lot.

I guess what it comes down to is if you decide you want children, even if you are older you can always foster prevent adopt, spend time looking after somebody else's kids, take somebody under your wing etc even maybe a younger adult who doesn't have much family. You can expand part other parts of your social group, as well and meet new friends, new romantic partners etc.

You can't however get rid of a kid once you have one. You are absolutely locked in. Wether you like it or not. You have no choice or control after that point, you are a parent and always will be. I suppose if you don't absolutely love it you just have to make do as best you can, but there's no going back to random nights out and trips away, all your time and money being your own.

Ah OP you've got kids! Good for you, well done!

FFS

You seen to have just discounted anything that isn't a child or a job. Forget about hobbies, extended families, friends. All there is to life os babies or work

but there's no going back to random nights out and trips away, all your time and money being your own.

@Anotherparkingthread Based on my experience, the random nights out return when they’re mid-teens, trips away when they’re 17/18. The money part will hopefully return when they’re in their 20’s. 🤣

My Gran had DC so she’d have someone to look after her in her old age, this caused a lot of crap between her and DM and now my gran feels lonely because her life and relationship with her child isn’t how she imagined it to be.
Having children doesn’t guarantee you won’t be lonely and it’s a pretty shit reason to have children.
My Gran has a friend who is single and lives alone but she’s constantly filling her days with things, visiting friends, going to church etc and seems much less lonely than Gran.

What a ridiculous, narrow-minded view.

OP if you were hoping to create a bun fight it seems you failed. Everyone is at more balanced than you come across

It's probably not because she doesn't want to have a relationship with your children, it's probably that she doesn't want to have a relationship with their mum who is the kind of arsehole who calls her very selfish for choosing not to have children. Hope that helps!

I'm a SINK, should I just shuffle off to dignitas now to save myself? 😒

Anyone who spends time comparing themselves to others, is never fully happy. If you're happy with your lot, whatever that may be, you don't feel the need to try to make your lifestyle look superior. I bet you're one of the #soblessed brigade OP.

No, @SoRainbowRhythms PM some of us and we’ll have a night out instead. 😂

No. I’m a parent but still understand there are plenty of ways to have love and companionship in your life that aren’t children.

And you get many parents who have strained relationships with their children as they get older. Nothing is guaranteed.

I'd say it has more to do with personality than anything else. At one end of the scale, a person will be more prone to loneliness and dissatisfaction with life, regardless of age, employment, or parent/non-parent status. Someone at the other end will more easily find ways to enjoy life and experience fewer feelings of loneliness. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle and will muddle through somehow.

Us childfree women are not aliens who shuttle off to their own planet once their working life is done to die alone. We have many hobbies and friends and more importantly we have a life to live and enjoy! Why would it be lonely just because a child is not in it? You say it isn't a 'us v them' debate but it clearly is because you've brought it up and asked the question when there isn't a question to be asked. I am sure a lot of women who have children can feel lonely, why wasn't that a question to ask?

DH's parents are in their 70s now. His Dad has 3 sons, his mum has 1. They have no contact with any of them. I don't think they're any less lonely than DINKs, although they're probably poorer, DHs' mum never really went back to work.

A twenty year hit is quite the hit though! Especially during your prime, years you won't get back. And then I suppose there's the risk of them asking for money to help them out well into adulthood. If they have financial issues or want help buying a house, or need help while at uni. Then they could have kids of their own and expect baby sitting etc. I don't think being a parent ever really ends.

🙄 😴